


The Mistakes We Made

by Smart_heart



Category: Hilda (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, F/F, homophobic parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2020-10-25 09:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 57,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20722112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smart_heart/pseuds/Smart_heart
Summary: When her high school girlfriend comes back to town after two years with a baby and a terrible story she won’t tell, the Librarian has to deal with the feelings she had worked so hard to keep at bay.





	1. Ghosts from the past

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Hilda fandom! I’m terribly sorry it took so long for me to come up with more content. I know I already have one WiP that I haven’t updated in forever (and also, if you’re reading this David, know that I haven’t forgotten about our art trade. Your fic is still on my writing list!), but I found an angsty prompt list and I just had to write this.
> 
> I’ve never written angst before, and this is a subject that kind of disagrees with themes on Hilda, so be easy on me okay? Hope you enjoy!
> 
> (The number of chapters is more of an estimate; it might change as the story goes on)

There she was. With her lightly tanned skin and large, hopeful eyes, with her beautiful chocolate curls gleaming in the pink dusk sun. Johanna looked exactly like she had when she left the town, just two years before.

How dare she, the librarian wondered, how dare she come back to town without as much as bothering to send her a letter asking to talk to her once she arrived, without claiming to have a plausible explanation for what she did to her? Maven exhaled forcefully through her nose. She didn’t care. It didn’t matter. She was over Johanna.

But oh, how _dare_ she come to _their_ place, their special spot, the cafe where they had spent so many good hours talking about everything and anything, the cafe where they had slowly fallen _in love_?

Maven was so transfixed by the figure of her lost love, as beautiful as ever, entering the empty Poet’s Retreat with the sun shining behind her and making her look like an angel, that she barely noticed the black stroller she was carrying.

Her heart sank somewhere near her stomach. A child. She had a child. Maven’s teacup rattled in her hand, and she was proud of herself just for the fact that she hadn’t dropped it. Of course she knew Johanna wasn’t hers to love anymore, but a child made it much more real. It also meant that her husband couldn’t be too far behind. 

Tears threatened to leak from her eyes and realization hit her: her childhood best friend hadn’t bothered to tell her she’d _given birth_. 

But it didn’t matter, Maven told herself as Johanna pulled the stroller inside and went to the counter to place her order. After all, she was over it.

_#_#_#_

Johanna thought she ought to be thriving to be back in Trollberg. After all, the best moments of her life had been spent there. She should be noticing all the little changes and all the familiar people that walked by her. But it seemed like that was a hard thing to do when you car was parked just a few blocks away, packed with everything she owned, her baby having just fallen asleep after a tantrum, and no place to stay at all.

So, instead of rejoicing in her forced homecoming, of trying to convince herself that what happened was for the best, she entered automatic mode and let her feet take her to a place that always seemed to put her heart at peace.

She was barely registering what was in front of her eyes, thus the reason she didn’t see a very familiar face, the only one in Poet’s Retreat that evening, even through the big, open windows. 

As she reached the door, Johanna’s stomach growled, and she became more aware of her surroundings. She suddenly had a craving for a cinnamon roll, and well, she was already there, wasn’t she? Walking to the counter where the barista was waiting with a smile, she placed her order for the sweet and a coffee. An extra large one. She needed it.

She reached inside her purse for her wallet and paid for the goods, pulling the stroller back so that she could walk over to a table and wait for her snack. She only wanted to sit down and relax for a minute, to let the stress and misery of the day weight down on her so that she could eventually be rid of it.

But, as she turned to head to the table she was used to sitting at, her breath caught on her throat as her own eyes met the ones that had haunted her every single night. The pale skin that felt so cold but hid such warmth. The raven hair with purple ends that covered her lovely angular face like a curtain. To Johanna’s desperate, beaten down heart, Maven couldn’t look more like an angel. 

And so she came closer. They had never been good at staying away, anyway.

_#_#_#_

Maven could swear her heart was trying to beat right out of her mouth as Johanna looked at her, straight in the eye, and approached. She should have, she knew it, but she wasn’t able to tear her gaze away from hers. Something was so different and so utterly wrong in her eyes. Sadness. Johanna’s eyes were filled with the ghosts of scarring experiences, and it had taken the place of the laughter and optimism she so clearly remembered in those brown pools. She felt utterly shocked at this. Wasn’t Johanna supposed to be overflowing with joy, finally having the perfect family?

Now that she looked at her in the eyes, Maven thought she looked so _broken_. And that wasn’t right. She had always been the broken one in that relationship.

She put the teacup down on the table before Johanna realized how bad she was shaking. She pulled the sleeves of her gray cardigan to cover her hands, suddenly feeling cold.

Maven finally broke the eye contact, not being able to stand the tension between them, and looked down at her berries tea. A few seconds that felt like an eternity passed before one of them was brave enough to speak.

“Is this seat free?”

_It has been ever since you left_, she felt like answering, but held herself back and simply nodded. Johanna sat down slowly, as if Maven was a wild animal and the wrong move could send her into a rage. And if she was being honest to herself, that was quite the case.

“I didn’t know you were coming to town.”

Johanna inhaled. If Maven didn’t know better, she’d think she had offended her. But she did know better, and she knew that this sigh meant she was gathering strength.

“I didn’t really tell anyone.” Johanna said as the barista brought her order over. Maven didn’t answer, and so Johanna began eating her cinnamon roll, if only to pretend that this wasn’t the most tense conversation she’d ever had and to have something to do with her hands.

When Johanna was in the middle of the sticky bun, Hilda stirred and made a soft snoring noise in her stroller. Her mother smiled at her. At least she had her. 

At the sound, Maven tore her eyes away from her tea, cold already, to look at the baby. Tears stung in the back of her eyes. It couldn’t be older than seven months, and it had her mother’s gentle face. Unfortunately, the librarian thought as she held back a sneer, the baby had her no good father’s hair.

“I suppose you ‘didn’t really tell anyone’ about _that_ either.”

Their eyes met again. For her part, Johanna looked like she was having a hard time with this too. “I… didn’t, actually.”

“Oh, spare me the excuses!” Maven raised her tone, just low enough to not wake up the baby, and got up from her chair. “You had a kid with the guy you love and you’re telling me you didn’t parade around with her? You’re telling me half the town didn’t drive to the middle of the forest just to swear their undying devotion to this child?”

Johanna got up too, nearly spilling her coffee on the table, and put an arm in front of the stroller, her first instinct being “protect Hilda at all costs.” Maven noticed it, and laughed bitterly.

“Please, Johanna, you don’t need to do this. I’m not going to hurt your little one! I’m not a monster! But that’s what you see me as, isn’t it?” Maven sounded nearly maniacal now, and if it weren’t for the tears in her eyes indicating she really meant what she was saying, Johanna would have fled the establishment in that exact moment.

“See?!” Maven exclaimed. She knew her friend better than anyone. The instinct to flee didn’t go unnoticed. “You do think I’m a monster that is going to snatch away your happy ending!”

The librarian sat down again and let one lone tear fall inside her cup, before she cleared her face with her sleeves. Her heart burned with jealousy, with hurt, and she hated herself for caring so much. Caring only led to pain. Johanna had taught her that much.

“I’m not here to argue with you.” Johanna stated calmly, falling into her chair herself.

“What are you here for, then?”

She pulled a rebel chestnut curl behind her ear. “I- help, I think.” She didn’t actually _think_, she hadn’t taken one action based on rational thought since she got out of the car to take her daughter for a much needed stroll after hours of traveling. But here Maven was, in all her mysterious, alluring glory, and Johanna couldn’t even begin to ask her for everything she wanted from her. It was easier to ask for a hand than for forgiveness. And so she did.

“I didn’t lie. My parents don’t know about her.” She said as she looked at the stroller. “I have nowhere to be for the night.

Maven’s jaw went slack. After two years without any news, she came to visit town and the first thing she talked to her about was asking her to shelter her family for the night because she also couldn’t bother to tell her parents? The librarian wasn’t sure if her anger was justified or truly out of place, but it sure as heck was there.

“_Really_, Johanna?” She snapped. “Can you hear yourself right now?! I haven’t had any news from you since _forever_, and now you’re back, and you have the gal to tell me that your perfect little family, made of the most loved people in this town, has nowhere to stay?! What is it you want? Do you just want to rub your happiness in my face?”

Maven became fully aware that she was being childish and irrational when even the barista left the counter and went inside the kitchen to give them some privacy.

Understanding dawned on Johanna’s eyes. The person in front of her was so _not Maven_ that it took a moment to understand why her calm, analytical love was being so emotive and irrational, and downright paranoid.

“You… you haven’t moved on, have you?”

The question was so soft and tentative, and it felt like a knife to Maven’s heart. Her vision was blurred from her tears now. She nearly sent the chair to the floor as she got up and her heart forced her mind to accept the truth she had tried so hard to deny.

And through clenched teeth, she whispered bitterly:

“Do I look like I’ve moved on?”

With only one last look to Johanna’s perfect eyes, she ran out of the cafe and into the streets.


	2. Subtle changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So *clears throat*  
I think we can all agree that the Librarian has terribly little screen time. So I don’t really know how she’d react to things and such.
> 
> Basically, I’m very sorry if the characterization is bad. Both for her and Johanna, but I don’t have an excuse for getting Johanna wrong. 
> 
> Oh well, I hope you enjoy.

Johanna took a deep breath as Maven ran away from the cafe. This wasn’t just a matter of asking for help anymore. There were too many broken things between them, and she had to fix this.

“A little help over here?” Johanna asked as she knocked into the kitchen door. “Can you just watch my baby for a minute?” She asked the barista when she poked her head through the door.

It was not the same woman that had worked in the cafe for as long as she remembered, she realized. This one had thin, blond hair, and Johanna was sure that the girl had been one or two years before her in school, as opposed to the old barista, a woman in her late thirties with flowing brown hair. She briefly wondered what had happened to her.

When the barista nodded, Johanna bolted out of the establishment to look for her friend. The sun had already set, and the sky was beautifully dotted with stars. As she stepped into the chilly street, she realized she felt pleased, and even _happy_ that Maven hadn’t gotten over her. The feeling was so selfish that she tried to squash it down, but without success. She couldn’t help being glad that she wasn’t the only one nursing a broken heart.

The streets were empty, so she could easily make out her silhouette by the lamplight, wearing an oversized cardigan, black jeans and dark blue boots. She looked so damn beautiful.

“Maven, wait!” Johanna shouted as she ran after her. “Please, let me talk to you!”

The raven haired woman stopped dead on her tracks. She looked up at the waning moon as she did whenever she needed strength and filled her lungs with the cold air. Johanna slowly approached her as she breathed in and out, suddenly realizing how ridiculous her outburst had been. 

Maven turned around to her old friend, the wind messing her hair and the moon shining above her head, and even though her face was wet with tears, Johanna thought she had never looked so strong.

“I’m sorry.” She began. “That was childish. If you need a place to stay, of course I’ll help you.” _Even if it hurts_, she added to herself.

“I know you will.” Johanna said calmly. “I know the kind of person you are. And I’m sorry too. I never meant to make you hurt.”

Maven knew she was talking about what had happened five minutes ago, but her mind couldn’t help but take her to three years earlier, when everything had began to crumble.

“Neither did I.” She whispered into the wind.

“Look.” Johanna rubbed at the back of her neck in exhaustion. “Can I at least pay you a coffee? For old times’ sake?”

The corner of the librarian’s mouth twitched for a moment. She wasn’t feeling like tea anymore.

_#_#_#_

Once back in the cafe, Johanna ran to the stroller which the barista had kept by her side in front of the counter, making Maven feel a sting of guilt at having made Johanna leave her baby with a stranger. Well, Johanna hadn’t em>had to run after her, she told herself in order to feel less like an irresponsible, selfish idiot.

After securing that her baby was fine and still sleeping, the mother turned to Maven. “Can you take her back to our table? I’ll join you right away.”

The librarian did as she was asked, parking the stroller just beside the seat Johanna had used earlier. Sitting on her chair and propping her head on her hand, she took a better look at the child. It looked so peaceful and adorable that way. Maven sighed sadly. The baby was a perfect little angel. Nothing less than what Johanna deserved.

She had been so amused by the twitchings of the baby’s face as it slept that she only noticed Johanna coming closer when she placed a small coffee in front of her. She was looking at her in a funny way, and Maven blushed. She had probably caught her staring longingly at the child.

“You didn’t have to! You didn’t- I didn’t just come back here for the coffee!”

“I know.” The brunette chuckled. “But it’s the least I can do.”

They spent a minute or two in relatively comfortable silence as they both drank their coffee. Maven realized Johanna hadn’t ordered any sugar or cream for her cup. She still remembered how Maven took it. 

“So.” Maven finally broke the silence. “What’s the name.” She asked, nodding in the baby’s direction.

“Oh! Hilda. Her name is Hilda.” Johanna smiled. “She’s such a beautiful girl…”

Suddenly, Johanna’s face clouded up. With sadness or anger, Maven couldn’t tell, but like every emotion other than happiness, it didn’t belong there.

“Yes, she is.” Maven said, truthfully but also in an attempt to take Johanna away from whatever memory she had just buried herself in. However, she was so distracted with the baby, and the funny little expressions she did in her sleep, that she only realized that Johanna had began crying when she heard a sob.

“Jo-“ she barely had time to say her friend’s name before she cut her off.

“How am I going to take care of her now?” The brunette cried. “Look at me! I can barely take care of myself! Hell, we’re even homeless!”

Maven leaned forward and took Johanna’s hands in her own, forcing them away from her face so that she’d look at her. “What are you talking about? You’re married!” Surely her husband would be somewhere nearby to help her with whatever he could, and didn’t they live in his cottage in the woods?

Johanna chuckled darkly between her sobs. “Oh, I was until last night!” She said, looking away from both Hilda and Maven in shame. She took a few deep breaths, trying her hardest to regain her composure. She experienced a brief moment of panic when she realized the information that she had let out, but quickly told herself that it was okay. She could trust Maven. If she had trusted Maven from the beginning of it all, she wouldn’t be in this situation at the moment.

“Would you excuse me for a minute? I need to throw some water on my face.” As she got up, the librarian did too, but Johanna was quick to ask her to stay and watch over Hilda. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come along?” Maven asked, genuinely worried for her friend. The sight of Johanna so obviously distressed made her nervous and she didn’t like it.

“Yes. It will be alright.” The brunette tried to smile in a reassuring way, but the result was something unnatural and slightly creepy. As she walked away, Maven tried to process the new information. They had broken up? The last time she saw Johanna, she had seemed like she couldn’t be happier with the man by her side, so what had happened? Maven couldn’t honestly imagine anyone being stupid enough to just let Johanna slip through their fingers if they had her love. She was just too damn precious. 

A terrible hypothesis formed on her mind. Maven had always known that her friend’s husband was a “bad boy” on the literal sense, even if he had made the rest of the town believe otherwise, but he wouldn’t be terrible enough to abuse her, would he? Johanna didn’t seem to bear any damage aside from emotional, though Maven supposed she couldn’t really tell since her friend was wearing long sleeves and pants. The thought made her restless, and she promised herself that she’d ask as soon as she had the chance.

Johanna emerged from the toilet few moments later. Her shoulders were still slumped, and she kept her head down, but her face looked better, even if a little puffed and red.

She stopped before the stroller, looking down at her child, but her next words were directed at Maven. “Can we go home now? Please?”

“Of course.” Maven got up quickly. There was nothing that Johanna could ask in that small, sad voice the Maven wouldn’t grant within the second. “Do you want me to take the stroller?” She asked, not wanting Johanna to tire herself more than absolutely necessary.

“No, it’s fine.”

They walked out of the cafe, Maven leading the way. Even if she didn’t know the first thing about Johanna’s current situation, she had a feeling that she wouldn’t want to be seen by a lot of people at them moment. Trollberg wasn’t exactly a small town, but it had the mentality of one, and news traveled fast in it. So given the current situation, staying off the beaten path seemed like the best option.

The narrow little passages that Maven was so used to using began getting darker, as no street lights had been put there. The only light was that coming out of the windows from the houses they passed by and the moon.

Johanna hadn’t been thinking about the route much. Maven had lived in the same place her whole life, she surely knew where she was going even if these streets seemed a bit seedy. Even though she too had lived in Trollberg since ever, she only recognized the place they were in when the trio passed the front door of the Hoodoo shop everyone in town knew existed yet no one talked about. It belonged to Maven’s twice removed cousin, if Johanna’s memory wasn’t failing her. 

Straight ahead of them, in the end of the street, there wasn’t a shop or house and a bifurcation like there had been on the other streets they passed through, but they could see an open field dotted with stones. The cemetery.

Stopping in front of the last door to the right, Maven reached into her pant’s pocket, and took an old iron key out of it. She unlocked her house and put the key back in her pocket.

“Come on in.” Maven opened the door wide for Johanna, waiting by the frame in case she needed help with the stroller.

“Wait!” Johanna whispered. “What about your mother? Are you sure she wouldn’t tell anyone?”

“Oh” Maven’s eyes widened, though not with insecurity about her mother’s ability to keep a secret. “My mother has died over an year ago.”

Johanna gaped at her, feeling a blush rise at her face. Mrs. Amaris… was dead? True, the old cemetery caretaker had never felt quite real to her, with her whispers to the wind and love struck gazing at the moon, but she wasn’t judgemental, she was wise like no one else, she knew how to comfort with few to no words, and now she was… dead. 

This felt even less real than the woman herself had felt.

“Maven.. I’m so sorry. I- I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay. I know you didn’t.” Maven gave her a forced, small smile, trying to offer Johanna the comfort that Johanna should be offering _her_. “It was all quite sudden. But I’m okay. I have the means to be economically stable and I know my mother hasn’t left me. As long as I keep her memory, she’ll be here. Now come inside. It’s getting cold.”

_#_#_#_

It was ridiculous how much better one could feel after a warm bath, Johanna mused. Maven had let her stay in her mother’s old bedroom, that aside from a view to the cemetery and the fact that it’s former owner was dead (“don’t worry, I cleansed the room with sage”, Maven had said. Although Johanna didn’t really know much about the Amaris family’s Wicca traditions, the statement had put Johanna relatively at ease.) was a way better place to be spending the night then whichever place Johanna would have been able to find on her own. She had a comfortable bed and a bathtub, which was a far improvement from any of the inns Trollberg had.

While Johanna soaked on her bath after a long, exhausting day, Maven had taken her car keys and walked back to the area surrounding the Poet’s Retreat and driven her car to a much closer spot, though one hidden by the cemetery storage house, so as not to raise suspicions. And if this wasn’t enough, she even got the trunks with Johanna and Hilda’s most essential belongings and brought them inside the house. She considered for a moment that Maven was doing all of this to apologize for her earlier tantrum in a way, before feeling ashamed of the thought. Maven had always been this good to her. She just had always taken it for granted.

Now, they all sat in the sofas in the living room before a small fireplace. Johanna had happily drunk the soup that Maven had offered to share with her and was now feeding her little Hilda, while the librarian drank camomile tea, staring at the roaring fire in her cotton sleeping pants and shirt.

The only sounds were those of the flames and of the baby making a mess of her meal, until Maven broke the silence. 

“What happened?” She asked, sounding so utterly curious that Johanna knew she must have been holding that question back for hours. “Between you and Torrin, I mean.”

Maven kept her gloomy theory out of her question - Johanna wore shorts and an old t-shirt to bed, and Maven had been relieved to find no marks upon her skin - but still regretted asking the moment she did. She really didn’t like the way Johanna’s eyes darkened.

In that moment, Hilda finished her milk and Johanna dabbed at her little mouth with a piece of white cloth. Kissing her baby’s forehead gently, Johanna sat her down on the stroller and took a deep breath.

“Maven… you have no idea of how much you’re helping me right now. I’d truly be lost without you, so I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but… I’m not ready to talk about this. I- I think I need to sort of… make sense of what happened in my head before I tell it to someone else, you know?”

Johanna lifted her head to see that Maven had stood up and placed her tea cup on the small round table in front of them. “Is that okay?”

Maven sighed. She was dying to know what on earth was going on, but she would never force Johanna to tell her something she wasn’t ready to. She was hit by the realization that, two years ago, Johanna wouldn’t have asked if it was okay. She would stick to what she thought was best for her well being. 

What had changed, Maven wondered. What had happened in those two years her friend had been away?

“Of course it is.” She answered, picking up her teacup and getting up. “I’ll just wash the dishes and go to my bedroom, then.”

Just as she finished speaking, soft weeping sounds came from the stroller.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *makes puppy eyes* fandom, can you let me know your thoughts? Pretty please?
> 
> I already have the third chapter ready, but I only plan on posting it when I write the fourth one - same thing from last time, you know the drill.


	3. All was golden when day met night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everybody! Before you begin reading, let me just explain some things about this fic  
So, I’m aware that Hilda is set in Scandinavia (or at least it hints a lot at it), so this fic is set in Scandinavia too. However, for angst purposes (and because I’ve no idea of how school in Scandinavia works), I’m using a school system more similar to that of the US. HOWEVER, I’m Brazilian, so what I know of the US school system comes from movies and people complaining about student debt in the internet. The result is... probably very bad, but this is a fic, I’m under no obligation to write something realistic :D
> 
> Second thing is, I know that Trollberg is probably a really wholesome place, with nice people and all, but also for angst purposes, and because this is a little bit of a vent fic for me and I’m kind of copying my hometown, this Trollberg will be kinda small minded and bigoted, ok? Please don’t hate me

_The bell rang loudly, interrupting Mrs. Kavindi’s speech about neoclassicist poetry. The woman tried to keep her students’ attention, but it was no use, as the teens were already putting their stuff away in their backpacks. Only a pair of grey eyes followed her hand as she wrote on the board, rapidly taking note of everything. Eventually, she sighed and let her hand drop to her side._

_“Alright, everyone. You’re free to go.”_

_There were loud noises of chairs dragging on the floor and the chatter of the students as they hurriedly left the Literature classroom, eager to begin their weekend. The girl, however, took her time putting her pen in her pencil case, and her pencil case in her backpack. She checked her notes one more time, certifying herself that she had written in legible handwriting before she was out of the classroom and couldn’t ask the teacher any more questions. _

_She got up from the chair and put her backpack on her back, walking up to the teacher who had sat down on the table and was watching the students leave. Mrs. Kavindi raised her eyes when she realized the girl had gotten closer, and gave her a simile._

_“Can we expect you this evening, Maven?” _

_The girl nodded. “I still have some topics to study for next month’s finals, but I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”_

_Kavindi’s smile widened as she watched her favorite student leave. The girl was a bit of an outcast, for sure, but by her experience, all the best people were._

_#_#_#_

_Johanna bit back a groan when the boy came closer. His smug grin was infuriating, and it didn’t help matters when he leaned on his shoulder against the locker next to her._

_“I don’t want to talk to you, Torrin.” She said as she put her math notebook back in its place. His blue hair fell over his face when he laughed._

_“Why not?”_

_Johanna closed her locker’s door with more strength than necessary. “Because you’re a jerk.”_

_“Is this about about Dick? Is this why you’re _angry_?” He said the words in a mocking voice, making Johanna wonder what would be the penalty if she got caught burying a corpse. Maybe Maven would be up for it too and they wouldn’t get caught. It sounded like a good plan._

_“What happened between me and your friend is our business. Not yours.” Johanna sighed. She was waiting for Torrin to answer when she sighted a spot of black coming towards her. Her mouth opened into a smile, her eyes moving from his strong face to beatiful, wise eyes, coming closer and closer, with a smile answering her own._

_When Torrin realized he had lost Johanna’s attention, it was too late. Maven was already behind him, pulling his head back by grabbing a handful of his hair. He gasped at the feeling, though she hadn’t grasped quite hard enough to make him feel any pain._

_“I believe you are unwanted here, Aven.” She stated coldly. She let his hair go, but not without taking a few strands with her. The boy turned to her, wide eyed with fright but feigning anger._

_“What the hell is wrong with you?!”_

_“Remember what you called my mother last month, when you and your gang threw eggs at our house?” She ignored him as she tied one of the strands around the others, making a little bundle. “You called her a witch. And you weren’t wrong.”_

_She put the bundle on her jacket pocket and looked at him in the eyes. “So tell me, Aven. What kind of thing do you think a witch can do with a few pieces of your ridiculous blue hair?”_

_Torrin cursed under his breath and left, taking long strides and making sure to bump on Maven’s shoulder hard enough to hurt. But the raven haired girl didn’t care. All she could focus on was her friend trying and failing to contain her fit of giggles. _

_“Your mother wouldn’t actually curse him, right?” Johanna asked once she had gotten a hold of her laughter._

_“Well, she _could_. But she won’t because he’s just a stupid teen. It would be a waste of spell ingredients.” Maven looked at ground. She wasn’t ashamed of her mother’s religion, nor was she that she too had chosen to follow Wicca, but Johanna’s parents were extremely Christian and she didn’t like to see the involuntary judgement in Johanna’s eyes whenever she talked about her faith._

_“Are you ready to go?” Maven asked right after. Johanna had already put everything she would need for the weekend in her backpack and it seemed useless to just stand there looking at each other._

_“Oh. Yes, I am. There’s something I need to talk to you about.”_

_She sounded sad, Maven realized. That was unusual. Her Anna was always so full of happiness that whenever her mood changed it was easy to notice, at least for her. _

_They were silent as they finished crossing the school’s corridor and its front door. When they were finally outside, with the early autumn wind messing with their hair and the leaves on the trees by the sidewalk, she finally spoke._

_“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about this when you asked at lunch. I didn’t feel like badmouthing someone then. But after _that_, I’ve no problem whatsoever with doing it.”_

__Oh, this is going to be good_ ,she thought but instead said “Torrin Aven is never good knews. Truly, only he is able to get _you_ this upset.”_

_“You aren’t going to believe this, Maven! So, I had scheduled to help Richard study, correct?”_

_“I still don’t know why you accepted that, but yes, correct.”_

_“It turns out he didn’t want a hand with geometry! He was trying to trick me into going on a date with him!” She threw her hands up in frustration. “Who does that?!”_

_Maven snorted. “Stupid, obnoxious people, that’s who.”_

_Johanna sighed deeply, and looked both ways before both of them crossed the street to her block. “Honestly, I’ve never met one dateable boy. I wonder it I’m the problem, or if they are.”_

_She stopped in front of her house, turning to look at Maven before they bid goodbye. “You know, maybe I’m meant to be alone”, she said sadly. Maven’s eyes widened, and her mouth was slightly open with confusion._

_“That’s not true!” The girl protested. “I mean, if you don’t want to be with anyone, that’s okay, but if you want a relationship, I doubt that you’ll stay much longer without one, Anna.”_

_“What makes you think so?”_

_“You’re a naturally loving person, for one. You’ve always been able to give your heart completely to the people you love.” She shrugged. “And you’re smart. And beautiful. And extremely kind. Anyone would be happy to have you. Now you just need to find someone who you think deserves you.”_

_Her long brown hair cascaded down her shoulder when she cocked her head. “You’re just saying this to make me feel better about being picky with boys.” She laughed nervously._

_Maven sighed and blushed. Trying to flirt with a girl who grew up in a conservative household was a challenge indeed. But she had been doing it for five years and she wasn’t about to give up on her clueless Anna now. “I’m really not, though.”_

_She was rewarded with a hug and a peck on the cheek. “Thanks, Maven. You’re the best friend I could wish for.” She drew back and began heading for the door. “Same time same place?” Johanna asked as she looked for the keys in her backpack._

_“Yup.” _

_With a smile, Johanna entered her house and closed the door again. A ghost of a smile passed through Maven’s lips. Though she had been wanting to be something more to Johanna ever since they were thirteen, being her best friend was already enough. It was more than an “antisocial creep”, as she was called in school, like her deserved. Johanna could be friends with anyone. With the jocks, the nerds, the popular people, the drama kids and the band kids. But she chose to stick with the graveyard keeper’s daughter, and she couldn’t be more grateful._

_And yet, she was too selfish to stop wanting more._

_#_#_#_

“Oh, it seems someone else needs to go to her bedroom too.” Johanna said sweetly as she picked her baby up again. “Could you take the stroller to our room? I’ll try to calm her down a bit.”

“Oh, sure.” Maven quickly put her cup on the sink counter and went for the stroller, taking it through the narrow corridor beside the staircase that led to her mother’s old bedroom. She pushed on the door with her back, placing the stroller between the bed and the window.

She hoped Hilda didn’t mind having a cemetery for a view.

Johanna came in too not a moment later, singing her baby a lullaby that Maven was almost sure she recognized from somewhere, though she had no idea where. Her mother had never sung her lullabies, always going for stories to calm her down instead. 

“Is she going to sleep in the stroller?”

Johanna sighed. “I don’t think I have another option. I left in a hurry, so I didn’t have time to disassemble her crib and bring it along.”

Maven bit her lip. What could have happened that made them practically run out of there? She swore that if in the end it turned out Aven had threatened them physically, there would be very few places that man would be able to hide in. She was already hated in town for being an outcast, so why not add murder to the list?

“Well, I think I have a smaller comforter stored somewhere. Do you want it?” She asked, wanting to help even if a little with their situation.

“No, I brought her blanket, but thank you.” Johanna gave her a really tired smile. “Do you have any children’s books, though? I didn’t bring hers, and she really likes the colours.”

Maven nodded. “I’ll be back in a second.” 

_#_#_#_

_It had been a fairly calm meeting, Maven mused as she put her sweater back on. The book club was rarely this way. Just in the last few months, she had already gotten into arguments about A Midsummer Night’s Dream and The Iliad, but it seemed like everyone had similar opinions this time, or at least no one had wanted to defend Alice when the majority of the participants had accused her of being a spoiled little girl who didn’t respect Wonderland’s traditions, just judging them all as “madness”. _

_She had been so concentrated on checking that everything she had brought was still in her simple brown leather purse that she barely realized that she was being spoken to. She raised her head and saw that the librarian, Mr. Kavindi, was talking to her._

_“I’m sorry, sir, what was that?” She asked politely and he chuckled. _

_“I asked what are your plans for after school, little one.” Mr. Kavindi was a sweet man, with graying red hair and round glasses. He was wearing a blue sweater that was way too big for him. All his sweaters were like that, and she supposed it was because his wife knitted all of them for him._

_“Oh yes, dear. I wanted to talk to you about this.” Said wife, Mrs. Kavindi, walked up to them and put her hand on his shoulder. Her wild dark brown hair framed her face, and combined with her green coat it made her look like a forest spirit. “Go on, Maven. I think he may be able to help.”_

_Maven looked from her teacher to the librarian. She really didn’t know what he could possibly do for her. The only help she needed was financial, and it was highly unlikely that a librarian had a lot of money to spare._

_“I would like to study English, and then major in Library Science.” She said simply._

_His eyes lit up and his usually kind face showed even more happiness. “Oh, so you want to steal my job, young lady?”_

_Maven put the purse’s strap on her shoulder and got up from the armchair she usually sat on, one with dark wood and magenta cushioning. She looked around the room that they used for their weekly meetings, one of the most secluded areas of the library, breathing in the calming smell of old parchment and ink that emanated from the hundreds of books piled upon shelves on the walls. Yes. Yes, she wanted to._

_“You needn’t worry, sir. My mother doesn’t have enough money to pay for my college, and I really don’t think it would be wise to get in debt.” She’d probably just stay in Trollberg and learn her mother’s job. She was already quite familiar with it, and it wasn’t as if there was a queue of people wanting to be the knew cemetery keeper. In fact, she didn’t think there was a single soul that wanted it._

_Mr. Kavindi frowned and seemed to deflate. His wife, on the other hand, kept pressing on. “And where would you study, if you had the money?”_

_She didn’t know why her teacher was asking this - she already knew. Maven had talked to her about her plans and why they wouldn’t work. But her teacher was a smart and helpful woman. It wouldn’t hurt to say again._

_“In Ericsonberg University. It’s not a very long drive to make every day, or I could go by train and it would be even faster. Also, my best friend has already sent in her application and is probably going to study there.” Trollberg was a small town. It had very few options of higher education, and only a few courses were offered, most of them related to the forest and agriculture. Everyone else had to move away or choose a college in a nearby city._

_“That is wonderful!” Mr. Kavindi chirped, looking like himself again. “I can help, then. I have a very close relationship with the dean!”_

_Maven made herself stand up straighter and looked at him with more attention. “Really?”_

_“Yes! We studied English in Oslo together! Why, Erica always told me you were such a great student, I’m sure I can work something out with him.”_

_Maven wasn’t the sentimental type, she really was not. But in that moment she felt such gratitude that a few tears nearly leaked from her eyes. Nearly._

_“Would you do that?” She asked, just to be certain, just to _check_. It wasn’t offer something this good happened to her. _

_The librarian’s eyes softened, and he and his wife leaned their heads against one another’s. It was weird, to see those two people so similar and so in love. It was like they had been made for one another. It was cute. “Of course, little one. It isn’t often that we get a bright and curious mind like yours in a small town like this one. It would be a shame not to nurture it.”_

_ Maven inhaled deeply with emotion. “Is there anything I can do to thank you?”_

_Mrs. Kavindi let go of her husband put both hands upon Maven’s shoulders. “You are already hard working and focused. I know we needn’t ask you that. But you’re lonely. So in return, I ask you to not get even more so. Keep that friend of yours around. Don’t let the rhythm of college pull you two apart, okay?”_

_She had to blink back a few tears at that. “Thank you. So much.”_

_Husband and wife shared a look, and before she knew, Maven was engulfed in a bone crushing hug. “We’re glad to be of help, young lady.” He said when he pulled back. “I’ll let you know when I hear back from the dean.”_

_“Now run along.” Her teacher said. “You have finals to study for.”_

_Maven smiled to them and headed to the door. She had something else to do, actually._

_#_#_#_

It turned out that her mother had kept all her favorite books from when she was a kid in a single box in their cramped little attic. After scaring a spider into moving away from the box, Maven dug in and grabbed the three first books she saw, walking away quickly and promising to come back soon with cleaning apparel. 

The spiders she could live with, but a bunch of perfectly good books gathering dust crossed a line.

When she came back down, Hilda wasn’t crying anymore, but was clearly agitated in her mother’s arms. She approached Johanna very quietly. She didn’t know much about babies, so she wasn’t really sure if any noise could make matters worse or not. Even though Johanna’s eyes were focused on Hilda’s forehead, her gaze was so glassy that Maven doubted that she was actually _seeing_ anything.

“Hey, I found them.” She placed the book by Johanna’s side on the bed. She desperately wanted to ask if she was okay, but she didn’t think she’d get an honest answer.

Johanna’s gaze cleared and she looked at the items before her. “Oh. Thank you, Maven.”

“Not for that.”

It felt like silence stretched for a long time after that, but realistically Maven knew it had only been a few seconds.

“So. I, uh, I’ll just read one of them for her and then sleep myself. Can I do anything for you?”

“No, it’s okay.” Maven rubbed at her eyes. Just looking at Johanna was making her tired. “Just get some rest. You look like a zombie.”

Johanna lifted her eyebrows. “Well, aren’t you a flatterer?” She asked mockingly.

“I speak only truths.” She said as she headed to the door. _You look beautiful to me anyway_. That truth she didn’t tell.

Johanna shook her head and got up from the edge of the bed. Maven’s heart felt entirely too tight as she watched from the doorway Johanna kiss her child goodnight before gently lowering her down to the stroller and tucking the blanket around her. The woman really had “mother” written all over her. The image of the two of them, so perfect and loving even through pain and exhaustion, was too much to bear, and Maven had to avert her eyes.

When Johanna turned to get one of the books to read to her baby, Maven was already at the bottom of the staircase.

_#_#_#_

_Johanna fidgeted nervously with the sleeves of her jacket as she looked out of one of the Poet’s Retreat windows. Ever since she had arrived home that afternoon, she’d felt as if butterflies had taken flight in her belly. She didn’t think she’d ever been so nervous._

_She had been stalling that realization for as long as she could, pushing the thought away whenever it popped in her mind, but honestly, she’d be a fool to ignore Maven’s feelings towards her after she’d all but declared her love, and even a bigger one if she denied her own feelings any longer when she had felt like she was melting inside when she had kissed her friend’s cheek._

_She’d had a most unproductive afternoon, after that. She’d had been dealing with the thought of liking girls for some time now, so guilt wasn’t really a problem, especially since she wasn’t as religious as her parents, anyway. But the worry of not being able to share that part of herself with the people that had raised her had kept her thoughts away from her studies._

_At least she knew there was a name for what she felt, for liking boys and girls. It kept at bay the feeling of being an alien in a small minded town. It was comforting. But it still didn’t hold back the shock that was admitting that she was in love with her best friend, regardless of gender._

_When the clock in the wall near the counter marked five in the afternoon and Maven still hadn’t arrived, Johanna began thinking something was off, which didn’t help her matters when she was already trembling with nervousness. She was always so punctual, arriving right after her book club ending, precisely at five to five. And she wouldn’t have just forgotten it either. They’d had this appointment ever since they first went to the Poet’s Retreat together: 5 p.m. every Tuesday and Friday. Even if they didn’t have the money or didn’t feel like ordering anything, they’d go in and talk. About their days, their worries, their parents, their studies, or even about dumb things they saw in the internet. They never missed it unless there was something very important they needed to do, or if one of them was sick, in which case they’d visit each other in their houses in the time they were supposed to be there. It was their tradition, their _ thing_. Maven wouldn’t miss their eight year old tradition unless something had happened._

_Johanna was just going to call her when the bell that hung above the cafe’s door jingled and she turned to see who was it, relieved as she watched Maven come in. She looked radiant with happiness, and she couldn’t wait to find out what got her like this. _

_Without breaking eye contact with Johanna, Maven walked closer with a shy smile, while her friend grinned at her. She pulled her usual chair back and sat down, chewing on her bottom lip before she whispered._

_“You won’t believe what happened!”_

_“What did?” Johanna asked as she tried her best not to get distracted by said lip._

_“Mr. Kavindi says he knows Ericsonberg English College’s dean. He will try to get me in!” _

_Johanna’s jaw dropped. For more than an year now, she’d been worrying about what would happen to Maven when High School was over, knowing very well her widow mother couldn’t really afford an expensive college like those of the cities nearby, nor could she pay for a place for Maven to live at in the further away cities that offered cheaper education. So this was practically a blessing that fell down from the skies._

_“Are you serious? How?”_

_“I still don’t know exactly.” Maven said, trying to get the buttons of her coat undone. “Most likely they’ll give me some tough exam or something. But I’ll make it.” She got all of them out of their holes and lifted her head to look at her friend. “I have to.”_

_Johanna reached out and grabbed her hand “Yes, you will. And if you need help, you can count on me.” She said, squeezing it slightly._

_Maven smiled and intertwined their fingers upon the table, making Johanna’s heart skip a few beats. She swore that that coy smile would kill her one day. “Thank you, Anna. I feel like coffee”, she said suddenly. “Will you join me?” _

_She didn’t quite think that coffee was the best option for her already on edge nerves, but it was a special occasion. It called for celebratory coffee._

_“Sure.”_

_Maven got up, then, and told their order to the barista who already knew them by name. She came back a few minutes later, handing her a cup with a lot of cream._

_“I forgot to give you the money!” She exclaimed after taking a sip of the heavily sweetened down drink._

_“That’s okay. I did a cleaning job for my cousin a few days ago, this one’s on me.” _

_Half an hour passed comfortably. Maven told her of how the library’s book club went, and Johanna took the chance to discuss a book she was reading. She felt she could talk to her friend for hours; Maven was so intelligent and well read, it was nearly impossible to get bored when she was near. But their cups were long since empty, and it was time to go. However, there were still things Johanna needed to say._

_“Do you want to take a walk in the park? It’s going to be a beautiful sunset by the looks of it.”_

_Maven bit her lip. She really needed to go home to study, but that really was an offer she couldn’t refuse. So she nodded and they got up, and walked to a little known park near Johanna’s place, one that had many flowers growing wildly and randomly due to lack of attention from the city hall, and even had a small fountain, though cracked in a few places and waterless._

_“How does Mr. Kavindi know Ericsonberg’s dean?”, Johanna asked eventually, when they stopped to admire a few celosia flowers. Maven stretched her memory._

_“They went to college in Oslo together, if I remember correctly.”_

_Johanna frowned. “The librarian went to Oslo? But that’s an amazing college! How come he ended up working in a little town? He sounds like he’s from the north, so he can’t have family here!”_

_That made sense, Maven though. With a good graduation and his natural talent, Mr. Kavindi could probably get a job in a way better place. Sure, Trollberg’s library was gigantic, but that was mainly due to the efforts of one of the first mayors in its history, who had hoped that the town would grow to be one of intellectuals. Maven nearly pitied him._

_“Mrs. Kavindi said once that they had met when they were in college and she took a trip to Oslo”, Maven remembered, lifting her eyes to the orange sky on top of them. “And her family is from here. So he probably came to live here because of her.”_

_“Oh.” Johanna breathed. If that was the case, it was probably one of the most romantic acts she had heard of outside her books. “That must have been quite a sacrifice.”_

_“Not really” Maven shrugged. “It must have payed off. When you love someone, and they love you, you do whatever it takes to be with them, don’t you?” _

_Out of the corner of her eye, Johanna realized that Maven had stopped looking at the sky, and was now looking at her. She felt her heart accelerate, beating madly against her ribcage as she faced her friend back. _

_There were so many things that needed to be discussed. Johanna knew that ideally, she should probably talk about her feelings and the things she had found out first. But Maven was looking at her with so much affection in her beautiful grey eyes, and her short dark hair was just a little bit messy because of the wind, and the golden light of the sunset was throwing golden shadows on her angular face, and honestly, Johanna was just human._

_So she closed her eyes and leaned in. _

_And not after a moment later, Maven leaned in too._

_The raven haired girl exhaled heavily. She had been deathly afraid of having mistaken her friend’s intentions, but found instant relief when Johanna pressed her lips against her own. Many thoughts filled her mind, of love and victory and confusion, but she pushed them all aside: she could deal with them later. When she was alone in her room, and Johanna wasn’t kissing her._

_Maven took Johanna’s bottom lip between hers, and sighed again at their taste of sweet coffee and honey, being answered with a similar sigh from her love. They hadn’t had any honey at the cafe. She wondered if her lips always tasted like that somehow._

_Oh, how she wanted to find out the answer for that question._

_She wished she could stay there forever, in that beautiful place with untamed flowers, in that perfect moment of golden light, that little natural miracle that was when day met night. But too soon, they pulled away. _

_And Maven didn’t “grin”. For most of the town, save her family and Johanna, she didn’t even smile. But in that moment, she was grinning like an idiot. Like the lovesick idiot she had become. _

_“ I, uh-“ Johanna began, blushing strongly but also with a gigantic smile on her face. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to get the hint. A- about you and about myself too.”_

_Gods, she looked so cute it was nearly impossible to gather any rational thinking, Maven thought. “Do… do you?” She asked, only realizing that she hadn’t asked a complete question when Johanna cocked her head in confusion. “L-like me, I mean.”_

_She cursed herself for stuttering, but stopped bothering when Johanna’s face opened up in a smile again. “Yes, I do. Very much.”_

_And after that, when they didn’t know what to say, they kissed again. And again. And even as she walked home alone later, the stars and the moon her only companions, Maven began thinking that maybe, just maybe, that beautiful dusk could last forever._

_#_#_#_ 

The Librarian shut the door behind her and all but threw herself on the grey duvet of her bed, feeling the hard mattress against her back. She was downright exhausted. For two years, she had made herself accept the fact that she would never see Johanna again, she had locked her feelings for her where she thought it was safe to say that they wouldn’t haunt her again, and yet there she was. Back in her town, back in her house, back in her damn heart.

She slowly got up from the bed, walking to her windowsill seat and sitting down. Johanna had always had such light around herself that Maven sometimes felt as if she needed to squeeze her eyes to look at her directly. She just radiated warmth that she had craved so deeply. But now that there was a baby, she all but _glew_ whenever it was near. She had been through so much, had gotten her heart broken, and it was clear on her eyes how much she had suffered, but it was also clear that her ability to love had, if anything, multiplied.

Maven drew her legs up to her chest and looked at the waning moon, leaning her head against the bedroom window and catching her own eyes in the reflection. Johanna was so bright and comforting and nutouring, and she was cold and lonely and eerie. 

So it didn’t matter that she was back. It didn’t matter that she was staying at her house. It didn’t matter that her heart sang whenever she looked at Johanna and her baby. After all, she told herself as she drew her eyes away from the moon and to its glow on her pale hands, Sun and Moon could never be lovers. The day could never be with the night. 

Dusk was just a fleeting moment. Eventually, darkness always came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, would you look at that. A chapter that I’m actually very proud of! I hoped you liked reading it as much as I liked writing it.
> 
> Please forgive me for how cheesy this whole chapter sounds, though. Couldn’t help myself.
> 
> So, uh, just to give you guys one last stab in the heart, remember how in the first chapter Maven was sitting in a place where she could see the cafe’s door? And how in this chapter it is said that her usual seat is with her back to the door? Yeah, in the first chapter Maven was sitting in Johanna’s seat so she wouldn’t have to look at her empty spot


	4. A Fairytale set in stone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea of how libraries work, just roll with it *finger guns*

Maven cracked her eyes open and squinted immediately. Her face was bathing in the early sunlight, and groaning she realized that she had left the curtains open the night before. 

She turned her back to the window, knowing she still had time to rest until her alarm rang. Clutching her blanket tighter around herself, she tried to hang on to the last vestiges of the dream she’d been having. And it had been such a strange dream, so impossible and bittersweet.

Her sleep muddled mind failed to remember much more of it, so she simply accepted to let that be. That is, until she heard sounds of clatter in the kitchen, which made her sit up on her bed immediately. It couldn’t be an animal; she always let her house locked up at night. It wouldn’t be a visitor either: only Maven’s uncle had another key, and he was currently out of town. Her only other option would be faeries, but she had quite a few amulets to keep those away from the house. Besides, the scent coming from the kitchens smelled like coffee, not like flowers or milk like one would expect from the wee folk. So there was only one possibility.

It hadn’t been a dream.

Maven bolted out of her bed, heading straight to the bathroom and throwing water on her face. As her mind began to cooperate, the details of the day before came back to her. Johanna walking into the Poet’s Retreat, asking for help by the lamplight, feeding her child in the living room and putting her to sleep in her stroller: suddenly it all got as clear a the day outside in her head.

But her thoughts clouded over again as her heart took control. The shock of seeing her former best friend back, with a baby and without her husband, had stopped her from thinking about other things the day before. She had acted mostly on impulse. But now that she had rested and spent some time away from Johanna, she began remembering exactly _why_ her impulse had been running away and lashing out.

Her mood didn’t improve as she got dressed, figuring she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep and deciding to get ready for work instead; after all, an early morning wouldn’t hurt. Not to mention it would give her somewhere to hide from her feeling and a certain someone who had awakened them.

She got out of the bedroom wearing her typical clothes: a white button up shirt with a sleeveless grey cardigan on top, a pleated black skirt with leggings underneath and dark flats that were comfortable enough to not make her feet ache when she needed to stand up for hours organizing books. 

The usual routine was comforting, in a way. Dressing up, brushing her short hair, putting the things she’d need in her dark blue messenger bag. It made her forget that something out of the ordinary was happening.

Of course, that sense of normality disappeared when she walked down the narrow wood stairs to the kitchen and found herself looking at the unusual picture that her former girlfriend and her baby made in Maven’s house.

“Good morning” Maven said when she was a few steps behind Johanna, who was in front of the oven scrambling eggs. She startled and turned back, facing her host with the fridge and spatula still in hand.

“Oh, good morning!” She chirped, making her tone politely happy and putting a smile on her face, but it wilted when she noticed how gloomy Maven looked. Her shoulders were tense, her eyes hooded with irritation and with dark circles under them, though she could barely see them as Maven’s hair was getting in the way. Surliness seemed to roll off of her in waves, and Johanna knew her way to well to think everything was okay.

But Johanna didn’t have the patience for this, and she surely didn’t have the strength for this any longer. She knew Maven wasn’t Torrin- there wouldn’t be much of a negative consequence if they had a row- but that didn’t mean she had the psychological and emotional strength to deal with a fight. So she just lowered her head and waited for her friend to speak.

Seeing this, Maven lifted her eyebrows in both surprise and mockery. _Really? No “stop sulking! What real problems do you even have?”? No “quit being a happiness sucking spirit!”?_. Even before everything went to hell, Maven would get an “well, someone woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning.” if her friend noticed she was in a bad mood. Staying quiet wasn’t typical Johanna behavior and it wouldn’t be in a thousand years. But the woman had no marks on her body, and that made a lot of Maven’s preoccupation with her succumb to the nagging voice in her mind telling her that _she had warned Johanna, and she had been ignored._. Seemed fair she’d have to face the consequences now.

“I’m going to work.” She said shortly. “I’ll be back by lunchtime to get my stuff. I take it you’re still not back at college?” 

“I’m not.”

Maven nodded and looked at the cabinets above Johanna’s head. She should probably get something to eat, but she really didn’t want to be in the same room as her at the moment. “Excuse me” she said as she reached out for the cabinet’s wooden handle, making Johanna take a step to the right. She quickly found a package of biscuits and took it out, giving Johanna space to return to her cooking once more.

She had already turned to leave. Her hand was in the bag where she’d placed her keys. But a bit of her conscience made itself known in her mind through the haze of pain. _Monster_, it seemed to tell her. _You’re just going to leave? Are you really this cold? This is why you’re meant to be alone_. 

With her heart clenching, just like her fingers around her keys, she said:

“Do you need anything?”

Johanna turned her head from the oven to look at her, a confused frown on her face. Though Maven had to be talking to her, she was staring at the door. “For the baby.” She completed. “Do you have enough diapers and that sort of thing?”

“I do. Thank you.”

“If- if you have any problems” she reluctantly said as she unlocked the door. “You can call me.”

And after she had stepped outside into the chilly morning, she called. “You know, I haven’t changed my number. I was wondering if maybe that was why I never heard from you again, but it seems it remains the same.” Just before she shut the door again, leaving each of them alone with their own pain.

_#_#_#_

_Yawning, Maven raised her arms above her head and stretched. After spending a good part of her morning and most of her afternoon sitting at one of the tables in Trollberg’s library, she’d finally finished studying and was ready to head home. For the day, at least._

_Picking up her backpack from the chair by her side, she closed each of her notebooks and stored them away, doing the same with her pens. Most students from her class used laptops to do their essays and researches, but Maven’s mother didn’t have enough money to get her one, having to work alone to make ends meet, so she learned to deal with all the paper that she needed to get through college. She found she preferred that, too. Paper was comforting and it didn’t stop working suddenly and made you pay even more to repair it. Paper was reliable, even if it was a bit messy._

_When all her things had been put away, Maven got up and lifted a stack with the four books she had used, and set about looking for Mr. Kavindi, to ask if he would put them away or if she could reshelve them herself. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know where pretty much everything went at this point._

_She found him eyeing the library’s computer at his desk, frowning at the screen. His worried expression reminded her of the troubles he’d told her about days ago, and suddenly she was afraid that something bad had happened. For whatever reason, Aven had showed up at the library, an action so atypical of him that could probably justify sending him to an asylum, and declared that Mr. Kavindi’s work was _insufficient _, and that his father would know about how slowly work got done around there._

_If it was anyone else, they wouldn’t have cared for the threat. Problem was, the bastard was the son of the _mayor_. And that complicated things a bit. _

_Maven didn’t really think that the good hearted librarian would be sent away. She couldn’t think of many people in this town who had the basic knowledge to get the job, and those who did were quite close to Mr. Kavindi and would surely refuse to do such a thing to him, not to mention that they all had their own stable jobs. But that didn’t stop her from being worried for a man who had helped her so much._

_“Sir?” She began tentatively and he looked up at her, a smile slowly spreading over his face when he realized it was her._

_“I just wanted to know if I should leave this with you or put them away.” She lifted her books in askance._

_“Ah, Maven! Leave them at the desk, please.” She did as he said, putting them near a few other ones that also needed to be reshelved. “I wanted to talk to you, but you looked so focused in your studies I didn’t want to bother before.”_

_“It wouldn’t be a bother, sir. But is everything alright? You know, with the mayor?”_

_He nodded happily. “More than okay, my girl. You see, Mr. Torrin’s insatisfaction worked on my favour. It would seem the town hall finally allowed me something I’ve been asking for for years. They’re giving the library extra money so that I can have an assistant!”_

_Maven breathed out in relief and smiled, something she didn’t do quite often but seemed easier when she was with the kind man in front of her. “That’s lovely, sir. Maybe with a little help you could try to do more of those projects you told me you had planned when you first got the job. I bet Aven won’t have anything else to complain about, then.”_

_The librarian was looking at her with a little smile she couldn’t quite decipher. “Yes, maybe I could. Unfortunately, though, I seem to have a small problem. There seems to be a limited number of people interested in literature in this town, and all of those I’ve consulted weren’t interested in taking this part time job.”_

_Maven frowned. “Well, I’m sure you’ll find someone, eventually…” she remembered a girl in her high school class that had liked reading too, but she had moved to another city to go to college. There was also a boy who had been known to love Tolkien, but as far as Maven was concerned, he was studying something related to maths, so he was probably not an option._

_“How’s your schedule, Maven?” _

_The girl looked up from the floor and at him at the unexpected question. “I’ve been handling it well enough. Mostly I have classes in the evening, so I have the mornings and sometimes the nights to myself. I use the half an hour of train ride to study or do homeworks… why?”_

_“Well, you’re smart, you’re young enough to go around stacking books with little effort, and you’re studying for this.” He lifted an eyebrow. “Would you consider working here?”_

_Maven could only gape at him. It was too easy, to have her dream job handed to her on a silver platter. It was never this easy. It _shouldn’t be_ this easy. “Are you serious?”_

_“I wouldn’t ask you if I wasn’t.”_

_“Yes!” She said without thinking twice. Time would get a lot shorter; she’d probably have to stay up many nights. Money wouldn’t be abundant, either; librarians were already underpaid, and a part time, unqualified assistant wouldn’t have it easy either. But it was a _beginning_. If she did well on that job, maybe once she had majored in Library Science (which she really hoped she would) the town hall would consider her when the time came to choose another librarian. Not to mention she’d get a lot of experience with that._

_“I’ll warn you already, it doesn’t pay well.” He joked, but when Maven didn’t waver in her resolution, he asked her to give him her CV as soon as she could. She was a little nervous about that, since she’d barely gotten started on college, but he’d assured her the city hall would trust his decisions. Time tables would be better discussed later, but initially they agreed on having her help him out in the mornings. _

_She left the library doing her best to look like her usual serene and composed self when inside she felt happier then she’d felt in months. Finally, it seemed things were going her way._

_That feeling changed when she began to head home and found there was an unusual flow of people walking towards Main Street. Not quite liking the situation, Maven began turning into Trollberg’s smaller streets, looking for the least used way home. _

_When she was nearly there, she saw a man, tall with dark skin and eyes, smoking and looking at the sun that was slowly moving down the horizon. Dimitri, her cousin, and the owner of the town’s Hoodoo shop. _

_She stepped closer. Dimitri knew about things, maybe he’d know what was happening._

_“Hello, cousin.” He said before she had a chance to wish him a good evening, without even turning his gaze from the sky to her. “Something on your mind?”_

_“Yes, actually. Do you know why everyone seems to be going to Main Street?”_

_He rolled his eyes. “Unfortunately, I do. It’s the Aven boy and your friend. Surely you heard that they got married today?”_

_The girl felt bile rise up in her throat. She knew, of course she knew. But she had tried so hard to forget that she actually missed the date._

_Not that she’d been invited, anyway._

_“Yes.” She answered simply._

_“Yeah, the most dim witted parcel of the city’s population in going to watch them leave town, as if they were celebrities or something. Ridiculous, isn’t it?”_

_Maven fought against the stinging in her eyes. She’d tried to stay away from anything related to Johanna, but still she hadn’t been able to block out the whispering voices in the streets that told her she was moving away to the Aven family’s cabin in the woods. “N- now?” She asked tremulously._

_“Yes, now. Why?”_

_She didn’t answer why. She barely uttered a “thank you, good evening” before sprinting out of the alley in the direction of Main Street as fast as she could._

_“Oh, Maven.” Dimitri whispered and shook his head, taking his cigarette to his mouth once again. “Why must you make yourself suffer this way?_

_#_#_#_

“Are you going to tell me about it?” Mr. Kavindi asked from under the ladder which she had climbed to stack some books that had been left in one of the library’s desks the night before.

“About what, sir?” Maven replied as she sang the ABCs in her head to find out between which books the one she was holding should go.

He lifted an eyebrow. Maven couldn’t see it, but she was sure she could _feel_ it. “You know what I’m talking about. I know you enough to be able to tell when you’re not okay.”

She groaned internally, putting the book in its correct spot, and taking a moment to caress its red leather spine before she took a deep breath and answered. 

“Sir, I would rather not talk about that. I’m sorry.” 

Mr. Kavindi sighed. His assistant was such a good girl. He’d always tried to befriend her, but she had always been a closed off one. No matter, he thought. He knew exactly what the issue was about even if she wouldn’t tell him. Ever since she’d began attending the library with a frequency, when she was but a wee child, there had only been one person who had been able to make that sort of anxious energy roll off of her in waves. 

He wasn’t going to press any further, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t curious as to where his assistant could have possibly seen Johanna these days.

“How’s college?” He opted for a change of subject, and she was glad. She could even hear the concern on his voice; he knew that she wasn’t happy with her performance. Whereas before she had had time to study properly, after accepting the job at the library she’d been much more busy, and it only got worse when her mother passed away and she had to do some odd cleaning jobs here and there to make ends meet. Her family tried to help her, but she usually didn’t accept their money unless she had no other choice.

She paid attention to classes and made as good use of her time as she could, so her grades were not going to be bad enough for her to fail, but he knew it disturbed her to not be able to reach her full potential. And if he were honest, it disturbed him too. Maven was made for more than mediocre grades.

“Going as usual.” She answered simply. At the best of days she was somewhat reclused, but today he felt she just didn’t want to talk at all. So he politely excused himself and went to finish the preparations to open the library for the day, leaving the woman alone with her thoughts.

_#_#_#_

_It had taken nearly an hour, but Johanna was finally ready to leave. Of all the people she’d hugged and said her goodbyes to, the last one was still in front of her, crying as if she’d gotten married herself._

_“Don’t worry, Lucy.” She said to the woman who had been her best friend for the last couple of months. “It’s not like I’m going away forever. You can visit us whenever you like, and we will be back from time to time too!”_

_“I know, it’s just-“ she made a show of drying her tears. “It was all so very beautiful. The wedding, the lunch… everything! And it all happened so fast! I’ve never seen two people get engaged so quickly; the two of you just have such a deep connection.”_

_Johanna chuckled at her friend’s sentimentalism, but inwardly agreed with her. She understood Torrin better than anyone. And after she realized that, it didn’t take long for it to become easy to imagine a happily ever after with him. She was living the dream of half of the girls in the town, she knew._

_“No time for this.” Johanna’s mother, Kate, said as she walked by the pair with her husband, who was carrying some of Johanna’s luggage. Most of her stuff had already been moved to the house she’d share with her new husband, but there were a few things she’d chosen to take with her. “There are many people waiting to see the two of you. Better not to keep them waiting.”_

_Johanna frowned. “What?”_

_“Oh, you know how people are in this town.” A voice came from behind her. She turned and saw him standing at the door of her kitchen, his blue hair falling on his eyes and his shoulder leaning against the wooden frame. There he was. Her Prince Charming._

_“They love gossip, babe. And we’re a big thing, you know?” He smirked, stepping closer. “A great part of the town is on Main Street, just waiting to get one last look at us before we begin our life together. Isn’t that amazing?”_

_No, it really wasn’t. She wasn’t marrying for other people. She was doing it for herself; she’d always been a sociable person, but she wasn’t comfortable with the whole town wanting such involvement in her life. But clearly it made Torrin happy, and if it was good for him…_

_She forced herself to smile. “Yes! That’s… incredible.”_

_“Nothing less than what my princess deserves” he smirked, taking her hand. “Now let’s go. Your mother is right, and I can’t wait to begin our life together.”_

_He took her to the car his father had given him, powerful and imposing in the narrow street of her house. He opened the door for her, and after giving one last goodbye kiss to her mother, father and best friend, she got into the car in the backseat, and Torrin slipped at her side while she straightened the skirts of the dress she had chosen for the trip to their new house in the woods, one that was much more comfortable than the bridal one she had worn in the morning or the other that she had worn in the afternoon for the party._

_Torrin took her hand as the driver that his father had hired started the car and headed for Main Street. He hadn’t even finished the turn when Johanna saw the ocean of people that had gathered to see them. The driver drove slowly, and Torrin lowered his window to wave goodbye at the people. Following his lead, Johanna lowered hers too and put her best smile on her face, waving at friends, family, former classmates and even complete strangers._

_They yelled and cheered in happiness, but all noise seemed to disappear and time seemed to slow down as Johanna caught a pair of grey eyes in the crowd. It was so fast. Not after five seconds, the car had already moved enough that she couldn’t see her anymore, so she shouldn’t have noticed that she had been clutching her faded purple cardigan tighter around herself, apparently trying to look smaller. She shouldn’t have noticed that her mouth was closed into a tight line, a clear effort to hold back emotion. And she most certainly shouldn’t have noticed that the woman’s cold, grey eyes were filled with unshed tears._

_Johanna had been paralyzed after that. Her hand stilled in the air and her gaze was redeemed unable to focus on any other person in the street; she only came back to herself once the car had crossed the town’s gates. Closing her window and her eyes, she took a deep, fortifying breath. Past. Maven was in the past. She was a mistake that Johanna wouldn’t commit again. Their friendship had been relatively harmless, but she’d stepped over a line when she took advantage of their closeness and Johanna’s confusion to turn their relationship into something more. _Yes_, she told herself. _That’s what had happened_._

_But then why did she have to be at the Main Street to see her one last time, and why did she have to look so forlorn?_

_“Hey, Earth to Johanna.” Her husband’s voice took her out of her reverie, and she looked away from her hands in her lap and at his smiling face beside her. “Are you alright?”_

_She made herself smile. “Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”_

_At her affirmation, he leaned towards her, and she closed the distance between them, making their lips touch. Johanna shut her eyes and forced herself to focus solely on him. This was her fairy tale, her happy ending, and there was no place for Maven in it._

_But even though she kept telling this to herself, over and over, she never quite believed it._

_#_#_#_

Maven was feeling slightly better when she went back home in the beginning of the afternoon. Not that her heart had stopped aching - it hadn’t since years ago, and that wasn’t going to change in just a few hours - but her job had actually taken the edge off of her pain. 

Her mother used to say that, if being amongst books, trees, or family didn’t help, then it was a very serious problem. At least the book part seemed to have worked, but now she was coming back home, and would have to once again face the source of her pain. 

Except she didn’t have to, in the end.

When she arrived home that day, Johanna was absent, her purse gone along with Hilda’s stroller, but the rest of her things were left untouched. On the kitchen counter, there was a small piece of paper with Johanna’s clear, D’Nealian handwriting that said “I went to my parents’. Don’t know when I’ll be back.”

_Well,_ Maven thought, _I should expect her return to be town gossip by the time I come back_. She hoped Johanna knew what she was doing. Her parents loved her, Maven was sure of it (or at least she liked to believe they did), but they weren’t the most sensible people in town. Johanna truly needed their support, and Maven was not sure that this is what she’d receive.

_You tried to support her, remember?_ That same, terrible voice from earlier spoke in the back of her mind. _And she turned her back to you. It would serve her well…_

The librarian groaned. It would do no good to begrudge someone she was currently trying to help, but apparently she couldn’t help it. There had always been a darker part of her that told her that Johanna’s friendship, and then her love, was too good to be true. That it would crumble down, leave her broken, leave her hollow.

And now that it was proven right, it just wouldn’t leave her alone.

But she was a college student, she didn’t have time to spare with emotional crap. So she sent those thoughts to the back of her mind, where she could as easily take them from when she had the time to actually reflect upon them, and grabbed a few ingredients from the refrigerator. Spreading them over the counter, she hastily put up a ham and cheese sandwich, and began eating as she climbed up the stairs with her bag on her shoulders.

Once in her room, she found the material she’d need for the rest of her day and put it in the bag, closing the buckle on the leather strap. She had barely finished eating when she ran to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, used the toilet, and grabbed a comb that she could use while she ran to the train station. 

When she arrived, her train was already waiting for her, so she got in and waited for the doors to close. The train was blessedly empty, as it usually was, and she was able to pick a booth with a table between the two sets of chairs. If an actual group of four arrived, there were other empty booths, so she felt no restrictions when she opened her bag and took out one of her textbooks and a pencil. Her next lecture would begin in 45 minutes, and she would like to make good use of the time it would take to get there.

Soon enough, the doors closed, the train started moving, and the raven haired girl tried to allow her mind to be taken over by the safe normality of her routine, though some of her ghosts just wouldn’t leave her alone.

_#_#_#_

_She had run to Main Street in a haze, and now that she was there, her mind was still clouded over. She couldn’t recognize anyone in the small crowd that had gathered, though logically she knew that she had probably seen everyone there at least once. The noises and colours around her were all just a blur of activity, and she couldn’t tell if that was psychological or if she was running out of oxygen from the running._

_As minutes passed and she was still waiting there, doing her best to ignore the judgemental whispers and looks the people around her were giving her, she realized that yes, it was psychological. She drew her cardigan tighter around herself, a futile effort to close herself off from the world around her. Her eyes began stinging and she closed them so as not to allow any tear to break free. A Sunday evening and here she was, pining for one last glimpse of her ex. She was truly pathetic, she thought. She should be stronger than this._

_But she really, truly wasn’t stronger then this, and the proof of this is that she readily opened her eyes when the people around her began cheering and the sound of a car engine could also be heard. Though her surroundings remained a blur, Maven could see her clearly. She focused on the way her brown eyes skimmed the crowd for acquaintances, shining like melting honey when they caught a beam of light, her short curly hair flowing with the wind. She hungrily drank down her image, committing it to memory, because she was certain she wouldn’t see more of that woman for a long time._

_And then their eyes met. For the most terrifying, wonderful second, their eyes met. The happiness that ought to have been in her eyes before wasn’t there anymore, and Maven was certain it was her fault. Of course it was. Who would like to see their ex after their marriage? Her lips stopped smiling, turning into a shocked expression instead. Her hand stilled in the air, too surprised to wave at those people any longer. Maven repeatedly slapped herself mentally. Her simple presence there had ruined their parting celebration. _

__This is why you’re meant to be alone,_ a voice inside her mind told her. And it was right. Johanna was a princess, good and strong and loved by all. She deserved her ending with her brave knight, even if Maven wasn’t at all sure about said knight’s morals. _

_But Johanna was a good character judge, so if she trusted him, shouldn’t Maven too? And now, she had disturbed this gift from the town to them. She had intruded on their happy ending; made the princess feel on edge, she had seen it in her eyes._

_Maven sighed and began walking away as the rest of the crowd dispersed. If she had understood this since the beginning, she would have spared herself so much pain._

_She was the witch. And there was no room for the witch in the princess’s happy ending._

_#_#_#_

Each night the sight of her front door got more and more alluring. But that was probably because each night Maven got more and more tired, and honestly all she wanted was to do the assignments she absolutely had to, have a bath and go to sleep.

But as fate would have it, she couldn’t do that! After all, Johanna was staying with her and she’d probably have to, once again, face the feelings she’d tried for years to quench down to no avail.

The first thing she did upon entering the house was head to the cupboard and take a package of biscuits out of it. She was starving, but she had no energy to prepare anything to eat. The second was wonder where could Johanna be. She didn’t know if she wanted the woman to be back or not. If she was, that meant more emotional labor for her. But if she wasn’t, Maven would probably be too worried about her to sleep that night. 

Dropping her bag on the sofa, she headed to the most obvious room in which to look at first: the room she had allowed Johanna to stay at. As she walked down the corridor, the sound of her crunching the biscuit drowned down the other noise that was reverberating through the corridor, but as she got closer, it got too strong not to hear.

Johanna’s sniffles startled Maven, making her reactionless for a moment before she bolted forward, easily opening the unlocked door and worryingly looking around the room. She found her friend on top of the bed, curled into a ball with her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook with every deep breath she took, and only after a moment did she raise her head to look at the intruder.

Looking at Johanna’s red skin and miserable hair, she thought that her parents would need a damn good excuse if they didn’t want Maven to curse them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *lifts a cup that rattles with a few coins* feedbacks for the poor?


	5. A harbor in a storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look. I only know (roughly) how Brazilian Universities work. At this point, the education system in this fic may be completely made up. Let’s just pretend it makes sense, ok?

_Maven reclined her head against her mother’s shoulder, a dreamy smile on her face as the woman’s long fingered hand caressed her hair. That had gone _well._ Really well. _

_A few days after she’d spoken to him, Mr. Kavindi had approached her while she was returning a book to the library and told her that Ericsonberg’s English College’s dean was willing to see what he could do for her. A meeting between them had been scheduled for a month later, in his office at Ericsonberg. _

_Her mother had insisted on making the short trip with her daughter, just to be able to be with her no matter the outcome. However, she hadn’t been allowed in the dean’s office, leaving Maven alone on what was most likely a life changing moment._

_The dean was a serious man with silver hair, though his face began to soften the longer she was was with him. After the introductions, he made a very thorough inspection of her High School history, nearly making the girl sweat as he pointed out every grade below 8 she ever got. Seemingly satisfied with her overall performance in school, he moved on to analyzing the curriculum he had asked for her to prepare, along with the recommendation letter she had asked Mrs. Kavindi to write her. She wasn’t sure if the word of her English teacher would do much to persuade him, but it was worth a try. _

_After the most nervous fifteen minutes of Maven’s life, the man cleaned his throat and looked at her with his sharp gaze. _

_“Tell me, Miss Amaris” he began “why haven’t you applied for any of the scholarships the University offers?”_

_Maven took a deep breath before answering, a futile attempt to calm her fluttering heart down. “I wanted to, sir. But the rules explicitly said that they were only available for students whose annual income was below a certain amount…” she stretched her memory, but still couldn’t remember the precise information. She wasn’t to blame, really, it had been months since she researched Ericsonberg’s scholarships. “And ours is just a little above that. And I’m not fit for any of the sports scholarships.”_

_He hummed in understanding. “I see.”_

_Maven’s heart only got more wild as the dean fell silent for nothing short of two minutes, staring straight at her eyes the whole time. The tick tocking of the clock on the wall seemed impossibly loud in the silent room._

_“You know, Miss Amaris, I really shouldn’t be telling you this.” He said finally. “But since I owe Harold a favor…”_

_The man picked up a blank sheet of paper from one of his drawers and a pen, jotting a few things down. “A few students have reached me in a situation similar to yours, Miss. Three, to be more precise. They’re all from a nearby city. Roskilde, have you ever heard of it?”_

_Maven nodded. She had a brief recollection of traveling there with her mother for the wedding of some family member when she was younger._

_“Well, I must say, their CVs impressed me. So I talked to the Board, and while they didn’t think it fair to let those students have a chance in the low income scholarship, we agreed to put up an exam of sorts for them.”_

_Maven nodded. She didn’t quite know what that had to do with her, but she had a feeling she was going to find out._

_“You see, after I assess these assignments, I will hand out a 100%, an 80% and a 60% scholarship according to how well they went. Now, since you have a considerable academic history yourself, I am willing to let you take part in the contest.”_

_Maven gasped softly, which made the dean look up at her from the notes he had been scribbling. “Of course, as there are four of you and only three scholarships, someone won’t have their problem solved. But what do you say, Miss Amaris? Would you like to take that chance?”_

_“Yes!” She said barely a second after he had finished speaking. This was the perfect opportunity. Even though Maven prided herself in being analytical and controlled, there was no way she wasn’t jumping into this chance head first._

_The corner of the dean’s mouth twitched upwards. “I thought you would. Here.” He folded and handed her the sheet of paper. “Is some basic information about what you’ll have to do for the contest, along with the deadline for you to send it to me. I will email you with the official guidelines later.”_

_The girl stared at the piece of paper like it contained the answer to every mystery in the universe; her eyes stung and she had to blink back a few tears. This was it. Her best chance was in her hands. “I cannot thank you enough, sir.”_

_“Think nothing of it. Just make sure to tell my dear friend that we are even now.” This time he gave her a proper smile. She wondered what had gone on between the two men that made him owe Mr. Kavindi a favor._

_Oh, but did it even matter when it had gotten her a chance to go to her dream college?_

_No, it didn’t quite matter, Maven thought as she watched the train doors open in one of the villages that surrounded Ericsonberg and a few people leave the wagon. But that didn’t stop her from feeling curious about it. She’d probably ask the librarian when she had the chance._

_Inside her pocket, her old blueberry beeped. A message from Johanna shone brightly on the screen. _

__How did it go?__

_Maven smiled and took it out of her skirt properly so she could type an answer._

__Very good. Why don’t I tell you more face to face?__

__Fine, but it has to be tomorrow so I don’t die of curiosity. What about that temporary amusement park near the Statue Square?”__

_Maven bit back a groan. She wasn’t particularly fond of amusement parks. They were always too noisy for her taste, and they were sure to find classmates there. But if it was what her girlfriend wanted, she supposed she could stand it. They quickly scheduled the date Maven put her phone in her pocket again, leaning her head against her mother’s shoulder for the rest of the ride home, a shy smile playing on her lips the whole time._

_#_#_#_#_

Before she even noticed herself moving, Maven was already crouching down by the edge of the bed, her eyes searching Johanna’s body for any sign of injury. Her face made it clear that she’d been crying, her clothes were rumpled, and her hair was in such disarray that it looked like the woman had been running her fingers through the short curls. 

“What happened?” Maven asked in an urgent whisper.

“I don’t _know_.” She sobbed, her head coming to lie on her face once more. She took a deep breath. Maven was worried. The least she owned her was assuring she was okay. 

“Look” she began, trying to sound calmer. “I’ll be okay. It’s silly, really.”

Maven lifted an eyebrow, not believing a word of it. “Yeah, sure. Have you eaten?”

The question caught Johanna by surprise, making her look up at her friend who had stood up again. “I… haven’t.”

“Come on, then” she said as she headed to the door. “You’ll feel better if you’re not hungry.”

Johanna looked back and forth from her baby, sleeping peacefully on her stroller, and her friend, waiting for her by the doorframe. As if reading her thoughts, Maven added “Bring her, we won’t make enough noise to wake her up.”

The librarian disappeared behind the door, leaving Johanna to gently push the stroller through the corridor. She found her again at the kitchen, looking at her cabinets. “I don’t have much.” She said. “Is a sandwich okay with you?”

“Of course.” She replied politely, her voice still hoarse from crying. Now that she actually stopped to think about it, she was starving. Lunch with her parents hadn’t exactly gone well. “Do you want any help?”

“Just make us some tea, will you?”

She set out to do the task, grateful for the distraction, but soon the water in the kettle had boiled and the beverages were ready. As they sat down on the couch, Johanna put the cups on the coffee table and Maven placed a plate with a sandwich in front of her. 

All through the meal, she readied herself for the onslaught of questions that were sure to come. But they didn’t. They are in silence, and the only thing that distracted Johanna from her troubled thoughts was taking in Maven’s face and realizing how very exhausted she looked.

Still chewing, she looked down with shame. That was her fault. Maven already had her job and college, and now she had to take care of her on top of everything. But Johanna had no choice. Now more than ever, Maven was the only one who would help her.

Finally, when the librarian took her tea cup from the table and sipped, came the question she had been waiting for.

“So, what upset you?”

Johanna took a deep breath. “My parents.”

“I had figured out as much. What did they say?”

Suddenly it was all too much for her to hold inside of herself and she spat out. “A bunch of nonsense!”

Maven flinched at the harsh, loud tone of voice and glanced at Hilda. The baby was still sleeping, but that reminded Johanna not to be loud.

“T-they said I was lying.” She began, feeling yet again a stinging in her eyes. “They said that… that Torrin had already told them what had happened.”

She held her friend’s gaze with fury in her eyes. “Maven, he told them _I_ cheated on _him_. And that I had run away with his beloved child, in an, an…”

Johanna ground her teeth together in anger and groaned. “In an attempt use her as leverage to convince him to stay with me!”

There was a moment of silence after that, when Maven could do nothing but stare at her open mouthed. She had no idea of what had happened between her and Torrin, but she had know Johanna for long enough to know that this wasn’t it.

The next thing she knew, Johanna was crying again.

“And it wasn’t only them!” She sobbed. “It was nearly everyone! Every single person I knew that passed by me on the street turned their gaze away, or worst! They’d look at me as if I was a villain!” A strong sob shook her body. “It’s as if they’ve all forgotten about me and only remember the version of me that Torrin sold them.”

Maven settled her cup down again, her hands fluttering uselessly over Johanna. She had no idea how to comfort her, no idea if her touch would be welcomed.

Oh, how she missed a time when she knew how to be Johanna’s harbor.

_#_#_#_

_As soon as Maven opened the door, she found herself with an armful if Johanna._

_“Congratulations!” She whispered excitedly into her hoodie. “I knew you’d do it!”_

_Maven returned the embrace eagerly. “Well, it’s not all done yet, but thank you.”_

_Johanna drew back with a questioning her eyes. “Well, what’s left to do?”_

_From the inside of the house, a clear voice called for them. “Stardust, why don’t you invite your girlfriend in before you go to the park? I’ll make you two some tea.”_

_“Thank you, mum!” Maven answered before turning to Johanna again. “Come, I’ll tell you.”_

_After Johanna had given her “mother in law” a hug, they sat themselves down on the couch and Maven told what had happened the day before, down to all the details she could remember. Johanna liked her stories well told. _

_In the end, Johanna asked, smiling. “And did you read what he sent you? What are you supposed to do?”_

_Maven sighed and sat back against the couch. “It’s a series of tasks. Mostly research about classics and essays on them. It’s going to be hard, but I have two months to do and send them.”_

_Warm hands took cold ones inside themselves in a gesture of comfort, and the two girls locked their gazes. “I know you can do it. And I’ll help you with whatever I can.”_

_A smile bloomed on Maven’s mouth. “I know you will.”_

_As if pulled by magnetism, the two girls leaned into each other and kissed, tenderly and quickly, but enough to make their hearts beat faster. As if moved by divine timing, Maven’s mother entered the living room with tea just after they drew back. Johanna talked about some news of her own while they drank, but soon enough the cups were empty and the woman was bidding goodbye to the two girls at the door._

_They left through the cemetery. Johanna had never liked the feel of being there, but with Maven’s hand inside her own, the place didn’t look as daunting. It took a fifteen minute walk to do so, but eventually they reached the amusement park._

_As one would expect, it was bustling with activity, and Maven seemed to shrink on herself. Before she could feel too uncomfortable, however, Johanna squeezed her hand and looked at her in the eyes._

_“It’s okay.” She said gently. “I won’t leave your side.”_

_And knowing this made the place infinitely more bearable._

_#_#_#_

_“How do you think I’d look with my hair dyed purple?”_

_The sudden question made Johanna stop staring down from their booth in the Ferris wheel and look at her girlfriend. She squinted, as if trying to picture what it would be like._

_“All of it?” She asked._

_“No, just the tips, I think.”_

_Johanna grinned, making Maven smile too. “I think it would look lovely on you. You know, I myself am thinking about cutting my hair.”_

_“Where?”_

_“Here.” She gestured to just above her shoulder. “What do you think?”_

_“Adorable.” She answered, causing her girlfriend to blush. To avert Maven from how happy she felt at the compliment, she pointed down to something she’d spotted on the ground, way below them._

_“Isn’t that Torrin? There, with a bunch of people around him?”_

_Maven squinted to be able to see through the dirty glass better, but eventually found the spot she was referring to and groaned. “Yeah, it’s him. Why do people keep following him around? He’s an ass!”_

_Johanna shrugged. “Maybe he’s an ass to us but pretends to be something else for them. Also, I bet that not all those people are actually his friends. There must be at least someone who tries to get close to him because his dad is the mayor. It must be upsetting, never knowing which friends are true.”_

_“Oh, I’m sure he manages”, Maven rolled her eyes. She didn’t add that he deserved the upsetting too. Johanna would probably disagree with that statement. She was too good._

_Lost in her musings about the brat as she was, she didn’t notice that Johanna had caught hold of her hand and was smiling at her. “I’m glad _I_ always knew which friendship was true.”_

_She sighed as Johanna’s soft lips found hers once more. It really didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that a bully was such a beloved citizen, or that she herself was such a disliked one. I didn’t matter what everyone thought of her, as long as she had this._

_Johanna probably didn’t even know this, but she was all Maven needed to get through a storm._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My classes come back in a few days... you know what would make me begin my academic year very happy? Feedback!


	6. Pity Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains a homophobic slur, which may be upsetting for some readers

_In her whole life, Johanna had found few things that were more satisfying than finishing a good, long book. Though she loved reading, she wasn’t very quick at it, and so finishing a book always felt like some sort of victory for her. She was very lucky that her favorite company could most often than not be found in the library, so she never lacked incentive to go renew her current reads._

_She got up from her chair and stretched herself, hearing a few of her bones pop from being in the same position for too long. But not even the mild pain in her back that had resulted from the afternoon’s reading session could dim her happiness. After all, tonight she’d do one of her favorite things in the world._

_She would go out with Maven._

_She smiled, picking up the empty tea cup from her desk and turning around to head to the kitchen. These days, Maven spent the better part of her time completing the assignments that the dean of Ericsonberg had given her, and Johanna was always all too happy to stay by her side and draw or read while she did so. Her girlfriend’s focus and determination were truly awe inspiring._

_But of course, Johanna was still a little selfish for her attention, and so whenever there was a chance of spending some time with Maven when she wasn’t focusing on her tasks, she’d always jump at the opportunity. She hopped down her house’s stairs giggly, thinking about her girlfriend’s promises of hot cocoa in this freezing weather and of cuddling under fluffy blankets as they played card games or watched a movie. _

_The girl had just placed her cup in the sink when she heard steps behind her. “Dad!” She exclaimed when she turned around and saw the man watching her with a very pleased smile on his face. Her own smile widened at that. She liked to see him happy._

_“My girl, let me ask you something.” He began, still cheerful. “Do you have plans for tonight?”_

_Immediately Johanna felt fear settle in her stomach, even as she told herself it was okay, for all her father knew Maven was simply her best friend, same as she had always been. “Yeah, I’m going to hang out at Maven’s.”_

_Just like that, her father’s smile melted into a frown. “No.”_

_She blinked, taken aback by his bluntness. “What?”_

_He sighed. “My girl, I get that the two of you have been close for years… but this has to stop. Your mother and I only allowed this friendship because we were convinced that when you grew up you would, well, come to your senses and be smart enough to realize that she is bad news. But you two only seem to be getting closer and closer and this has to _stop_!”_

_Johanna gasped, but he continued, though more softly. “Sweetheart… people are talking, you know? This proximity hasn’t gone unnoticed by the good people of this town. There are things being said about you.” He shivered at the thought. “Things that should never be said about good, Christian girls like you. And we are _worried_ for you. Because there’s no way that the outcome of this relationship, even if it’s just a friendship, will be anything other than pain for you.”_

_Johanna got up, suddenly furious. “I don’t care what they’re saying about me. Maven is the best friend I’ve ever had, I’m quite sure I know her better than this town does!”_

_The man followed his daughter’s lead and got up too, but slower, trying not to anger her further._

_“Look, try to see it from my point of view. My little girl is coming closer and closer to someone I know will break her heart and take advantage of her. I _must_ do what I can to protect you.”_

_“I don’t need you to protect me from her.” She whined, tears stinging in her eyes. “I need you to trust me. Besides, I already arranged this with her. She’ll be waiting for me! I can’t just not show up!”_

_“You can and you will.” He said firmly. “Besides, we have just received an invitation that under no circumstances can we deny!”_

_Her anger was momentarily appeased by her curiosity. “And what would that be?”_

_“The mayor himself has invited us to a dinner at his house! He says it is to celebrate our children going to college at last. Isn’t it wonderful?”_

_“No, it’s not!” Johanna was not one to snap at her parents, but she was far too gone to mind. “I hate his son. And I want to stay with my friend. You can go eat with the Mayor, but I won’t!”_

_“I missed the part where this was a question, sweetheart.” He practically growled at her. “You _are_ going to the dinner and you are _not_ going to that _dyke’s_house again for as long as I’m here to stop you!”_

_Johanna stepped back and bit back a sob. She knew she was trapped. She knew there was no way she could get out of this. Later they figure out a way for Johanna to meet Maven without anyone gaining knowledge of it, but for now she could only pretend to obey._

_She lowered her head, holding back tears. “Okay. I- I’ll just send her a message to tell her I won’t make it.”_

_“No, you won’t. She doesn’t deserve your time or your kindness. Right now you’ll go take a shower, and then you’ll put on nice clothes and do your make up. Do you understand?”_

_A drop ran out of her eye and ran along her nose as she whispered, defeated. “Yes, father.”_

_#_#_#_

_When they arrived at the Mayor’s house - that would probably be better described as a mansion - Johanna realized that she knew most people there. _

_It wasn’t any comfort._

_Many of her old classmates were there, however it was obviously that only the students that were either high on the town’s hierarchy or liked by Torrin. Johanna truly hoped she was in that first cathegory, but considering her parents’ works as a real state agent and a doctor, she didn’t find that likely._

_When she had to greet Mr. Aven right upon arrival and he commented on how lovely a woman she was becoming, she thought that would be the most uncomfortable she’d feel that night._

_She was wrong. The whole night it felt like she was being watched, put to test. Few of the people she tried to talk to actually seemed to enjoy her presence, which made her go from group to group in search for a conversation to pass the time.Finally, she ended up in the middle of an old friend group who had also taken Art with her. _

_In the beginning the conversation was innocent enough. But after a while it became clear that they wanted to move on into topics that they didn’t trust Johanna enough to talk about while she was there, and so with a sigh, she excused herself and walked away to the kitchen, where she found cooks and waiters amidst a flurry of activity._

_There really was nothing for her to do there, but then again, there was nothing for her to do elsewhere either._

_If only she could be with Maven…_

_She had just sat down on the kitchen table when someone walked up to her and greeted her in a voice that Johanna recognized. And it was recognizing it that made her cringe before lifting her gaze and acknowledging it._

_“Hey”, she said back to Torrin Aven’s eyes._

_At first, he let an awkward silence extend itself, which was quite unusual for him. He always went straight to the point. Rudely so._

_“Can I sit here?” He asked, pointing to the chair by Johanna’s side, making the girl lift an eyebrow. They both knew very well she couldn’t say no to the host._

_“Shouldn’t you be mingling with your guests?”_

_“Yeah.” He sighed. “But it just became too much for a second, you know? Don’t take me wrong, I love those people, but sometimes it gets hard to just do meaningless small talk.”_

_Johanna narrowed her eyes. That was new. Nothing like to Torrin she’d known at all. Was it possible that she was finally seeing the good, thoughtful person hidden behind the jerk? She shook her head to send that thought away. She would not be manipulated by a single relatable sentence._

_Seeing he had her interest, he continued. “I insisted on inviting you, Johanna. You always seemed like such an amazing person. It’s truly a shame we never got along in school.”_

_Johanna chuckled, thinking that if he was truly sorry about their unexisting friendship, he would have probably behaved differently while they studied together. “Yeah, I wonder what could possibly be the reason”, she said sarcastically._

_Torrin’s shoulders dropped a bit and either he was a really good actor, or he had been truly struck by her comment. “Look, I know you have no reason to believe me, but I’ve changed. I _am_ changing! I’ve begun going to therapy, to work out my issues and all. Won’t you just… give me a chance to get closer to you?”_

_Johanna bit her lip and furrowed her brow. This boy was not on her list of people she’d like to befriend, but then again, if he was truly making an effort, wouldn’t the right thing be to give him a chance? She had always believed in second chances, and in the goodness of others, so she’d be quite the hypocrite if she shunned him for his past, wouldn’t she?_

_“Fine.” She sighed, and saw him light up considerably._

_“Thank you!” He breathed. “I thought maybe we could talk a bit in private? I know a room in which there shouldn’t be any other guests. It’s pretty hard to find.”_

_Johanna got up. “Okay, then. Lead the way.”_

_As she followed him through the endless, richly decorated corridors of the house, she thought that maybe this evening hadn’t gone to waste. Maybe something good could come out of this._

_Of course, this thought would probably vanish if she could look at his face as he guided her, and see that his smile wasn’t an innocent, happy one, of a boy who had just gotten a second chance. It was a predatory one. It was the smile of a man who knew he’d win._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter guys, I promise next one will be longer!
> 
> My classes return tomorrow... here’s to hoping they don’t stop me from writing


	7. Reflections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got kinda long, guys. And kinda angsty too. Please don’t kill me 😅

The night before had ended in tears, and Maven truly hadn’t known how to deal with it. Knowing her touch and most likely her comfort would not be welcomed by Johanna, like it hadn’t been ever since they broke up, she merely saw that her friend had gotten to her bed before retiring to her room herself, too exhausted to do anything besides falling asleep.

This morning, she woke up hoping they could forget about what had happened, at least until Johanna was emotionally stable enough to face the lies that had been spread about her. However, as she walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, one glance at her friend’s face told her that what she’d heard the day before hadn’t yet been forgotten. Her shoulders were tight with tension and her mouth was a thin line of displeasure.

Unlike the day before, Maven decided to sit down and have breakfast with the two of them. It hurt to be near Johanna, but she quite thought the woman shouldn’t be alone at this state. Maven had enough experience with the town’s scorn to know that much.

They were being very civil, nearly friendly, up until the point when Maven realized that Johanna was barely eating at all. At first the librarian had figured that she was eating slowly because she needed to feed her child first, but now that Hilda was done, Johanna continued to half-heartedly pick at her food, her head resting on her hand. Maven rolled her eyes.

“Are you serious?” She asked, making the woman look at her. “You’re really going to let a bunch of idiots get you down?”

Johanna gripped her fork tighter. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about how you look like a puppy who’s been kicked! And just because of those rumors about you!” She let go of her cutlery and crossed her arms. “Come on, if they simply bought Torrin’s bullshit without even talking to you, I’m quite sure they don’t know you and don’t care about you that much in the first place.”

Johanna’s shoulders tensed up. “You know, somehow you aren’t helping at all.” She said, hurt and anger sharpening her voice into a stronger sound than it normally was. “Have you forgotten that included in this ‘bunch of idiots’ you’ve mentioned are my parents?”

“Well, your parents they may be, but how are them any different from the rest of them? It’s like they’re all still stuck in the dark ages, for fuck’s sake!”

Johanna whispers her name in something similar to a warning, but it’s too late. Maven is far too gone, and now that she finally began saying what she’d wanted to ever since she was a child, there was nothing that could stop her. Her hurt made her reckless, and the words flew from her heart straight to her mouth.

“They probably do love you, Johanna, but can’t you see that they’re always manipulating you? That instead of loving you unconditionally they try to shape you into someone that is perfect to them? Why- why do you even _listen_ to them, knowing this? Damnit, you’re so smart, why won’t you just ignore them?!”

“Shut up!” Johanna all but screamed, getting up from her seat immediately. On her haste to get up, her elbow hit her cup, which went straight to the floor and shattered into a million pieces. “You, of all people, have no right to say this to me!”

That was when Maven realized she had overdone it, lost her point and hurt a friend who had needed comforting, not scolding. Because no matter what happened, Johanna didn’t yell. She extended her hands in front of herself in a gesture of surrender, and knew she failed to school her features into something that didn’t look terrified.

“Ever since we met, _you_ are the one who manipulated me! You kept me for yourself and stopped me from having other friends. You always wanted me to be as hated at you, and _now you’re doing it again!_ You’re trying to keep yourself my only friend so I have nowhere to go but to you!”

Maven flinched at the harsh words. Was that how she saw their friendship? Through all her life, Johanna had been her only close friend, but she couldn’t recall ever having tried to stop Johanna from befriending other people. And never, in a thousand years, would she want her best friend from suffering as she had in the hands of the town. 

Would she?

“And you have absolutely _no idea_ of what this feels like!” She continued, and now Maven could see tears shining in her brown eyes. “You have no idea what it is to try to be good enough for a parent. You could _never_ relate to this, because your mother was just as much a freak as you!”

There was a weird, silent moment when they both locked their gazes and realized what had been said. Johanna put a hand over her mouth, her eyes widening as she realized, even through her haze of anger, that she had let herself go too far.

“I see.” Maven whispered as she got up slowly, pain lashing at her heart. She couldn’t do this here. She could not, _would not_, cry in front of Johanna. 

“Well, I don’t think you should have much trouble earning the town’s good graces again.” She chuckled darkly and she slowly put one foot in front of the other, heading for the stairs. “Why, you think just like them all!”

Before she could take one last look at Johanna and inevitably loose control over her tears, she raced up the stairs and locked herself in her room, not quite managing to throw water on her face before she began crying.

That Johanna saw her like the rest of them did hurt her, but it was no news. She had began acting like it almost as soon as she began dating Torrin, and Maven knew that there was more than a little emotional manipulation involved in that change. Not only from her boyfriend, but also from her parents.

Maven knew this. But apparently, Johanna didn’t. Apparently, on her version of the story, Maven was the manipulator. She was the one who hurt Johanna the most and who trapped her in her clutches. Squinting at her bathroom mirror, she tried to see what Johanna saw.

When she had her mother and her best friend on her side, it had been easy to ignore the town’s whispers. But now? Now it seemed a lot more rational that the bulk of the town’s population, including her former girlfriend, would be right about her rather than the few friends and extended family members that thought she was a good person. As she stared at her disheveled reflection, bloodshot eyes with dark circles under them, pale skin and hollow cheekbones, she began to see what the rest of them saw.

Irritable. Cold. Calculating. Ambitious. Antisocial. Strange. The very picture of what mothers told their children to stay away from. 

Oh gods, what had she done?

_#_#_#_

_She was there. Oh, thank goodness, she was there! After the disaster of not being able to go out with her on Sunday, and having her father confiscate her phone lest she call Maven, Johanna truly feared that her girlfriend wouldn’t show up at the Poet’s Retreat that Tuesday. But apparently she shouldn’t have worried. Their biweekly reunions were as sacred to her as they were to Johanna._

_She had her back to the door, so she didn’t see her girlfriend coming closer. Her shoulders were hunched, and when she wasn’t reading a book, that only happened when she was hurt. The realization hit Johanna hard. Thank goodness she’d have a chance to explain it all now._

_Though her touch on her shoulder was light, Maven still flinched when she felt it. She turned to look at Johanna with wide eyes, almost as if she couldn’t believe the other girl had come._

_“Hey.” Johanna smiled at her, even though her heart was clenching at how vulnerable she looked._

_“Anna!” She whispered as soon as she gathered her thoughts. She stared at her for one more second before jumping from her chair. “Are you okay, what happened?”_

_“Yes, I’m okay. I’ll explain everything.” She said, but not before she wrapped Maven into a tight hug that lasted longer than it had to. _

_When they finally let each other go, they sat down on their usual places. “I didn’t order for you because I didn’t know if you were coming. Do you want me to get you some coffee?”_

_“No, I’m in the mood for hot chocolate. But first I owe you an explanation.”_

_Maven sat up straighter and sat on the edge of her chair, ready to show Johanna she had her full attention. “My father forbid me from going out with you.”_

_Maven looked forlorn, and Johanna couldn’t blame her. “He just… he said many ignorant things about you and told me to stop seeing you. He took my phone so I couldn’t cancel our plans or tell you what had happened later. I’m so sorry.”_

_“So he made you stay home?” She asked after a few moments of silence._

_Johanna cringed - her girlfriend wouldn’t like this. “Actually… he made me go out. Mr. Aven invited us for a party at his house. There were many of our classmates there as well.”_

_Just like Johanna had foreseen, her girlfriend looked like she had eaten something sour. “Ugh. I’m so sorry. I hope you didn’t have to talk to Torrin.”_

_“Actually,” she blushed under the other girl’s stare. “I spent most of the party with him.”_

_“_What_?”_

_“I know you won’t believe me, but… he’s not as bad as we thought.”_

_Maven just continued to stare at her as if she’d grown a second head. _

_“I think that in the end he’s just a boy who pretends to be bigger than life because he feels insecure about himself. You know that most bullies have inferiority complexes.”_

_“Anna, I love you, but you have got to be kidding me.”_

_“I’m not!” She insisted. “He was really kind and open with me that night. You know how I’m a good judge of character.”_

_“No, you’re not! You always see the good in people, but that’s different to knowing how to read them well!”_

_“Well, you always see only the worst in people and stick to it! Haven’t you ever considered that people can change?”_

_Maven gasped silently and turned her gaze to her coffee, both girls silent for long moments._

_“I’m sorry.” Johanna began. “That wasn’t kind of me to say.”_

_Maven offered her a small smile. “It’s okay. I was an ass as well. I’ll respect your opinion about him, veven if I don’t think I’ll ever agree with it.”_

_Johanna smiled, a timid smile of thanks, and leaned in across the table to give a peck to her girlfriend’s lips. Maven met her halfway, and even though it was a very quick, shy kiss due to them being in public, they had both needed it very much. They continued smiling at each other when they drew back, every inch teenagers in love even through the hardships they faced._

_“Do your parents know you’re here?” Maven asked after a second, making Johanna sigh._

_“No. They think I’m in Lucy’s house. I’ll need to get there soon, so I’ll have an alibi.”_

_Maven’s face crumpled. “You need to go now?”_

_“No, I think I have the time to have a hot chocolate with you.” She smiled, but her optimism didn’t seem to reach Maven._

_“What will we do? Just keep meeting whenever you can find it in yourself to lie to your father?”_

_Johanna’s eyes became downcast. Looking at it that way, it sounded like they truly were in a bad spot. “Well, I… I can’t go on lying to my father on a constant basis.”_

_“Why not?”_

_The brown haired girl stared at her companion. “Because he’s my father, Maven. He loves me, and has my best interests in mind, but some why thinks you’re bad company.”_

_“Well, why don’t you just -“ she shrugged. “Ignore him? You know more about me than he does, that’s fact.”_

_“I can’t just ignore him!” She spat. “How would you feel if I told you to ‘just ignore’ something your mother said?”_

_“Well, I definitely wouldn’t like it, but let’s agree that my mother is a hell lot wiser than your dad.” She argued with raised eyebrows, taking a sip of her coffee right after._

_Johanna scoffed. Mrs. Amaris was a lovely woman, but sometimes she truly wondered if she’d taught her daughter any manners at all. “I’ll get my chocolate.” She said simply before rising from their table and walking to the counter._

_She had just greeted the barista and had opened her mouth to place her order when she saw something out of the corner or her eye that made her heart leap and dread settle in the bottom of her stomach._

_Her father’s car was parked on the outside of the café, and looking at her with an unreadable expression from the driver’s seat, was her father himself. She was too taken aback and terrified to do anything but stare at him open mouthed while the barista looked at her with concern, but her father hadn’t been struck by the same paralysis. When he noticed her looking his way, he got out of the car and stormed into the Poet’s Retreat._

_Surprisingly, he marched straight past her, giving her only a furious look before heading to the table where she had been sitting, which made Johanna even more scared. She knew she wouldn’t have the strength to protect Maven if the situation got dire._

_Hearing the bell above the door ring and the angry steps of something coming in, the girl looked back to see what was happening, and saw herself looking at a positively furious man coming her way. _

_“Don’t you _ever-_” he began, shouting at her as he came closer. “_Ever_ come near my daughter again, do you understand, you little _freak?_”_

_With wide eyes and a labored breathing, Maven couldn’t utter a word. Her eyes danced from the angry face in front of her and her girlfriend, practically shaking near the counter. Though she couldn’t say she wasn’t afraid for herself, her biggest fear was for Johanna, and what would happen to her once she was at home with this man._

_It took her a moment to realize, but after he had finished speaking, Johanna’s father had actually spat at her feet. It was such weird behavior, unworthy of a good citizen of Trollberg, but it didn’t matter, because no one would ever trust her word over his. He bared his teeth at her one last time before marching away from her and grabbing Johanna’s arm, dragging her away from the café. _

_Their eyes met just before she was forced to cross the door, when her father took a few bills out of his pocket and put them on the counter, effectively buying the barista’s silence. Her eyes were those of a woman who needed help, but knew she couldn’t get it. They spoke of regrets and apologies and farewells, and Maven could acutely feel her heart breaking into a million pieces in her chest._

_“Anna…” she whispered painfully, knowing there was nothing she could do. And knowing, even though she didn’t want to, that from then on things would never be the same again._

_#_#_#_

_“I called Lucy’s mother.” He said as soon as they entered the car. To someone who wasn’t used to her father, it would seem like his anger had burned out, judging by his voice. But Johanna knew better. It was very much still there. “Asked her if you had arrived their house safely. She told me that as far as she was aware, you were only supposed to be there at six. Which is very funny, since I remember you telling me you had to leave because you had agreed on being there at five.”_

_He was silent for a moment, giving her time to digest that information._

_“So of course, I went looking for you. I was worried. But then, I remember these ‘playdates’ you have with that miniature creep, and prayed that the day and time matching would just be a coincidence. But it wasn’t. You were there.”_

_He brought his hand down on the steering wheel forcefully, making Johanna flinch. “Fucking _hell_, Johanna, you were there! Are you playing stupid? Can’t you see I just want your best?!”_

_The girl took a deep breath, doing her best to hold back tears. “She never gave me any reason not to trust her, dad.” She said in a small voice._

_“That’s because she’s had you in her clutches ever since you were both little, damnit! At the time we thought she couldn’t do any harm, that she was an innocent! But obviously, there was no way the daughter of a witch wouldn’t be a witch as well. And now we have the ultimate proof of how much she has misled you!”_

_Johanna could see him shudder beside her. “Oh, God, I wish I hadn’t seen what I have. But that devil of a girl got you to commit such a sin?!”_

_Her sharp intake of breath made her body quake. “I don’t -“_

_“I saw it.” He cut her before she could even begin her denial. “I saw you _kiss_ her. There’s no use in pretending you didn’t. And that is something I will _not_ accept. It is against our God!”_

_If it were anyone else talking, Johanna would’ve probably spoke up to that. She had a carefully constructed list of arguments on ‘why using Christianity and the Bible to justify your homophobia was not only hateful, it was stupid’, but she would never be able to say a word of that to her father. She would probably not be able to say anything at all in that moment. The lump in her throat just wouldn’t allow it._

_He sighed, the fight in him seeming to be replaced by exhaustion. “And the worst part is that I know how she did it. I saw it happening. I saw how she isolated you with herself, and got you to think that that was friendship. I saw her stuffing your mind with dishonorable thoughts, making you feel like an outsider in your own town. Everything to pull you inside her little bubble and made you think you had no one but her.”_

_And invisible hand squeezed Johanna’s heart. What he was saying made sense, from an outsider’s point of view, but that’s not what had happened, was it? It had never felt like it._

_“See?” He said after looking at her face. “Even after telling you this, you still want to defend her! You’re not a gullible person, my sweet, but it was quite the long, macabre game that that girl was playing.”_

_When his daughter remained in silence, he sighed. “Look, I’m not asking you to understand all this at once. It would be unfair to do so, after you spent so much time being manipulated into believing something else. Just… sleep on it, okay? I won’t tell your mother anything, so relax.”_

_He made a curve and parked the car on their garage. Then, he looked at her with concern on his face. “We’ll talk about this again. As many times as I need to help you come to terms with this. We can even make you an appointment with a friend of mine who is a psychologist, if you want. All that matters to me is that you’re happy.”_

_All that Johanna managed was a weak “okay”. She was too overwhelmed, to confused, to say anything else. They got out of the car and into the house, when her father called for her again._

_“I rescheduled your dinner with Lucy for tomorrow, by the way. I think you’d benefit from seeing her more often as well.”_

_The words were barely registered by Johanna’s brain as she climbed up the stairs and went to her room. A haze of turmoil was clouding her mind, and when it began to clear she found herself sitting at her old dressing table. In front of her, her reflection squinted at her. For a moment, she tried to see what her father saw._

_Inexperienced. Empathetic. Naive. Compassionate. Well-meant and attentive. The perfect victim for manipulation._

_No, she thought as she immediately got up from her stool, making it fall to the ground. She wasn’t actually considering this, was she? This was Maven they were talking about. Smart, caring, bookish Maven. The one who had always been there for her. She had stuck to Maven because that had been her choice, because no one made her feel as alive or cherished as the weird girl who lived in the graveyard had, not because she had stopped her from making other friends. _

__But then again,_ a traitorous voice in her head said. _ That’s exactly what you’d think if she had manipulated you. You wouldn’t know. Your father may not know her so well, but he knows you better than anyone. And he has watched the two of you all through your life… wouldn’t he know? Wouldn’t he want only the best for you?__

_Johanna let out a sob. She was so very _tired_, and she only wanted this day to end. She could think later, but now the only thing she needed was her bed, which she didn’t even bother undressing before she tucked herself into._

_She’d find a way to sort through this mess in her head when she felt like it. But now? Now was not it._

__#_#_#__

_Her bag was extra heavy when she left the house that morning, due to the fact that everything Maven would need for the day was in it. She’d buy lunch somewhere, or maybe eat with Mr. Kavindi if he happened to invite her, but she truly didn’t want to return home before going to college after the row she’d had with Johanna during breakfast._

_She tip toed down the stairs and peaked at the kitchen and living room to check that Johanna wasn’t there; and indeed she was not. She had probably retired to her room, to take care of Hilda or simply to not be in the same place where they had both acted like beasts earlier._

_But she had not gone away, Maven realized, before cleaning away the teacup that she had broken. Well. At least that was something._

_And it was very, very unfair, that such a small act was an improvement for them. There had been a time when their relationship was worthy of envy. They didn’t fight. They always talked about what was bothering them rationally, keeping in mind that the other was doing their best, whether it looked like it or not. They adjusted their behavior whenever it was needed if that meant not hurting the other, and somehow that never meant changing into someone they were not. They used to bring out the best on each other. _

_How had things turned out so wrong?_

__#_#_#__

_ _The early morning sun woke Johanna up the next day with its warm beans on her eyelids. She went through her morning routine, doing her best to keep her mind from bringing the day before up, choosing to focus instead on her empty stomach._ _

_ _Being silent so as not to wake up her parents, she walked down the corridor and the stairs in her pajamas, heading straight to the kitchen. She quickly put together a bowl of cereal and milk, tossing a spoon inside before retracing her path back to her room. _ _

_ _However, when she was about to begin her climb up that dark wood stairs, she noticed something odd. Peaking out from under the front door, there was a small piece of folded paper. She crouched down, mindful of the bowl full of liquid she was holding, and took it in her hand. _ _

_ _She had imagined it would be some sort of bill for her parents, but the reality intrigued her. The note was, in fact, addressed to her in messy blue handwriting._ _

_ _She took it with herself to her room, where she unfolded it quickly, taken by curiousity, and read it by the sunlight that flooded her room._ _

___Hey! I came here to talk to you but either you aren’t home or you’re ignoring me lol.  
Anyways, I really liked our chat at the party. Maybe we could do that again? Maybe go to the movies or smth?  
Let me know when u see this. I’m pretty sure you have my number.  
-Torrin___

_ _“Oh.” She gasped softly. She hadn’t seen that coming. Though she probably should have, given how they had got on at his house. Well, she thought as she picked up her phone to text him, she was about to go through a roller coaster. Her main relationship was being put to test. Best that she find other friends to help her through the way, right?_ _

_ _After all, a true friend would be able to tell her if she was being manipulated. And she truly needed the advice._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, before anyone throws rotten tomatoes at me, let me explain myself. Yes, I am aware that Johanna’s words in the present were ooc. I seriously considered changing that scene, but then I realized that this would be downplaying the hurt of one of my characters, and it would be ignoring all the mess that Johanna put up with. And that would be unloyal with the character. I’d rather have her ooc for some moments than be like one of those writers that screw their characters up and never acknowledge the consequences.
> 
> Also, it will begin getting better, I promise!


	8. All we have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all, we’ve reached the halfway point of this fic!! Thank you for having stuck with me this long!

The evening found Maven sitting at the cemetery’s dry grass with her back reclined against rough tree bark. The grass had been way more beautiful, she remembered, when her mother used to take care of it. Her mother had a way of always making things better. The girl could really use her mother’s presence at the moment, she thought as she lifted a bottle to her lips and took a sip. It had little taste, but it left a strong feeling of burning in its path down her throat.

She had bought the bottle of cheap spirits in the shop just outside the train station, immediately after arriving in Trollberg after her afternoon studying in Ericsonberg. She knew she needed it. But she didn’t want to go home.

So the cemetery it was.

She wasn’t actually behind on anything college-related, so she didn’t feel bad about sitting down a minute or two to indulge herself. Problem was, the more she drank, the more relaxed she felt, and more languid, and _why did she need to return home, anyway?_ It was so comfortable and pretty here, with the moon shine glowing over the graves and through the branches of the tree.

But then, it was pretty at home too. _She_ was pretty, lying around in _her_ house, and why shouldn’t Maven allow herself to be near pretty things? That was stupid, she thought as she got up from the ground and very nearly stumbled back down again, almost not having the presence of mind to pick up her bag before crossing the cemetery all the way to her house. It was stupid that she should stay away from her house. Johanna was pretty, and nice. She liked Johanna, she should be trying to stay near her, not away from her!

It was with that thought in mind that she marched to her front door and knocked with as much strength as she could manage.

_#_#_#_

_”Thank you, Mr. Kavindi.” Johanna said as she placed the book she had been reading directly into the librarian’s hands. “I found some _very_ interesting information on page 52.”_

_At his confused expression with her unusual behavior, she lifted her eyebrows and gave him a meaningful look. She couldn’t do anything else. Any other thing she could say would give her intention away, and that was a luxury she couldn’t afford. _

_“Ready to go?” Her father came up behind her and put a hand to her shoulder, a gesture meant to be an affectionate one, but it only reminded her that she was being constantly watched. If not by her father, than by Lucy, who she’d been getting closer due to her parent’s insistence. Johanna had no doubts that she would tell her parents should she try to talk to Maven._

_And there was the matter of her cellphone and laptop, too. The first had not been returned to her after the day of the party. And her father had managed to get her email’s password. There was no way to talk to someone who they wouldn’t want her to by internet. _

_So this is what they had come to. Secret notes hidden in books._

_She had come up with the idea the night before, and had been anxious to try it out as soon as possible. So in morning, she woke up with a burning need to go to the library to pick up a book. She chose a short one, which she devoured throughout the day and put her note in, so that, by the evening, she could return it and hope for the best._

_Then, all that was left to do was wait._

_And wait she did, until two days later she went to the library again, this time accompanied by Torrin, with whom she had agreed to take a stroll together, but not before she checked for news._

_Her grin had been barely contained when Mr. Kavindi promptly handed her a book when she got closer, his smile lighting up his face. _

_“Good evening, dear! This book seemed like something you’d want to read. A friend has told me page 87 is particularly jaw-dropping!”_

_That night, she had fallen asleep with a small piece of paper under her pillow. Maven had answered to her explanation as to why she’d suddenly disappeared, giving her support and saying that she would wait for things to get better. Saying that she loved her, and would happily use this mean of communication if it was the only way to talk to her._

_Of course, that note had been ripped to shreds and thrown in the trash come morning. She couldn’t keep it around and risk that one of parents would find it._

_For weeks, those notes were all they had. Johanna would go to the library nearly every day, under the excuse that “once she started college, she would have less time to read”. She’d read the books as fast as she could, slip a note inside of it, and entrust it to the librarian, who would then pass it forward to Maven._

_Until one day, she got a note that was different from the others. This one didn’t reek of the sadness of being apart. In fact, the words were so bright that the paper seemed to glow with it._

_Maven had submitted her assignment to Ericsonberg’s dean._

_She’d made it._

_Not only had she managed to get one of the scholarships, but it was the very best one. She had apparently impressed the dean, and her classes would begin around the time when Johanna’s would. _

_Johanna very nearly squealed when she got the note. She was, of course, extremely happy that Maven had gotten what she’d worked so hard for, but she was also looking forward to _finally_ being able to see Maven again. While they were out of town, there would be no one to control their meetings. And if they got into the same wagon in the train when they left, then, well, it could be a simple coincidence._

_That note had made her smiley all day. When she went to Torrin’s house that afternoon, to hang out with him and a few of their former classmates, she’d been in a better mood than she usually was when she had to be amongst his friends._

_For the first time, one of Maven’s notes hadn’t gone into the trash. Johanna had pressed her lips against it, smudging it with her chapstick, and kept it in one of her drawers._

_Just a few more weeks. A few more weeks and she’d have it all again._

_#_#_#_

It was getting late, and Johanna was getting worried.

She hadn’t had a chance to apologize to Maven before she had left for work. Granted, she’d made sure she was in her room when her friend left, so that was partly her fault as well, but that didn’t stop her from feeling bad about their row. They’d both had enough heartbreak for a lifetime, they really shouldn’t add to each other’s. 

However, Maven should have been back by now, as far as she was concerned, and the mix of preoccupation and guilt wasn’t doing her any good. 

She’d kept herself from overthinking the matter during the day by doing the groceries. Maven’s house had been seriously under stocked, and Johanna didn’t like how she seemed to have gotten a lot thinner since the last time they had met, so as a treat and as an apology, she picked up Hilda and went to the marked, doing her best to ignore the stares and the people who wouldn’t even greet her anymore.

When she had a break from caring for Hilda, the baby falling asleep after her bath, Johanna even cooked dinner, hoping that Maven would eat it when she got home, even if they didn’t eat together. Well, she had been _hoping_ they’d eat together, and maybe even talk like rational, sensible people for once, but as the night went on Johanna couldn’t resist eating. 

She was determined to wait up for her friend, at least, but she was beginning to think that Maven might not come home that night, even if Johanna didn’t know where else she could go.

And that was the reason why, when three lazy knocks hit the front door, she rushed to see who it was. Though she was at first relieved to see that it was Maven on the other side, it took but a few seconds for Johanna to realize that something was off.

Her shoulders were slumped, though not in sadness or anything of the sort, but in tranquility, which was the first odd thing she noticed - Maven didn’t usually stand up straight but her posture was never this bad unless she was bored or sad. Her hair was also a mess, as if she had been in the wind. And weirdest of all, Maven was _smiling_ at her.

Of course, this in itself wasn’t so weird. There had been a time, most of their lives, actually, when Maven would smile at her quite often; an open, shining smile that Johanna had liked to think was just for her. But they had changed, and now it was strange to see her wearing that expression. Especially when they had argued just hours before. Especially when her whole face was looking so relaxed and content.

Before Johanna could open her mouth to ask her if she was alright, Maven giggled, _giggled_, and threw herself across the doorframe and into Johanna’s arms.

Instinct made her lock her arms around the woman as well, even as her heart thumped even faster when Maven rested her head against her shoulder and nuzzled her nose against her neck. “You’re soft.”, she murmured into Johanna’s sweater. “I like you.”

Then Maven drew back and just stopped to look at her through her heavy eyelids, and that was the moment in which things made sense to Johanna. As she felt the scent of alcohol coming from her friend’s breath, there was no doubt left that the woman was drunk.

She took a step back, taken by surprise for a moment. She had little experience with drunk people, but the knowledge she had wasn’t pleasant. Both her mother and her husband - _ex_ husband, she reminded herself - were angry drunks.

Maven, though she had her mind clouded over by the alcohol, seemed to be able to notice Johanna’s distress. She cocked her head to the side and squinted, as if trying to understand her mistake.

“You don’t want me to hug you?” She asked, sounding a little disappointed, but keeping her distance nonetheless.

That was unusual. Neither her mother nor Torrin behaved like this when they were drunk, and she’d never seen her father drink more than two glasses of wine. But people said that there were different kinds of drunk. Maybe Maven was different from them.

Well, different or not, she couldn’t stop the woman from getting in her own house.

“Not right now, if that’s okay?” She said, closing the door at Maven’s back. The librarian nodded, and repeated “okay” like an obedient child. 

“Come here, I made dinner.” Johanna guided the woman to the kitchen, where she took a plastic container out of the fridge and put its contents into a plate, then placed it into the microwave.

She was setting the time up in the microwave when she felt something grasp her left hand. She jumped slightly, and looked down to see Maven’s hand around her own. Her gaze traveled up the woman’s body, reaching her face where she was more blushing lightly.

“Is this okay?” Maven asked, and Johanna really couldn’t say it wasn’t. Try as she might to compare this situation to her past experiences with drunk people, there was no malice to this touch, no anger, no demand. Johanna could see it in her eyes that Maven just wanted to be close to her, and that was such a small comfort that Johanna couldn’t deny it to her.

“Yes, it is.” She said as she started the microwave. Then she sent Maven off to the table, bringing her a glass of water and right after her food. She looked so happy to receive the simple meal, just pasta with a white sauce and fried nuggets, that Johanna wanted to stay and watch her eat, but instead she found it better to take Maven’s bag from her shoulder and take it upstairs to her room. She didn’t know how in charge of herself Maven was at the moment, so she didn’t want to risk her tripping on the stairs because of the bag’s extra weight.

When she came back down, though, she pulled back a chair by Maven’s side and sat down. Talking rationally was out of the picture, but maybe things would feel better in the morning if she kept her company. Soon, however, Maven chose to rest her head against Johanna’s shoulder.

“Okay?” She asked again, albeit weakly.

“Yeah.” Johanna murmured back, and had the vague sensation that Maven had started _purring_.

“‘M sorry, Anna.” She slurred after a few seconds of silence.

“What for?” As if controlled by another being, Johanna’s hand rose up and began petting Maven’s hair, running her fingers through the dark, sleek strands. She had always loved Maven’s hair, even back when they were children. It seemed to shine silver when it caught a beam of light.

“For us. I really do like you.” She paused for a moment. “But you don’t like me anymore.”

Johanna tensed up. “That’s not true.”

“It is. But tis okay. I’ll continue liking you anyway.”

She had no way to answer to that. She might have had if Maven was not in this state and they were talking normally, but there was no reasonable argument she could present to a drunk woman. So she contended herself with continuing to run her hand through her friend’s hair. 

For now, it was all they had.

_#_#_#_

_Game night had been a sort of tradition in Johanna’s house. Whenever her mum could make it out of work earlier, they would gather in the living room and choose some old board game to bond over._

_That night, they were playing Clue. The three of them were sitting cross legged in the living room floor, and Johanna and her father were putting the board and the pieces in their right places while her mother studied the lid of the box, reacquainting herself with each character. Once they were almost ready, she put the piece of cardboard down and squinted. _

_“We don’t have pens.”_

_They all looked around and reached the same conclusion. They had forgotten about that part._

_“Can I get some in your room, Jo?” She asked, as her daughter’s room was closer than the study._

_“Of course. They’re on the first drawer of my desk.”_

_She got up and crossed the living room to climb up the stairs. Johanna could hear the sound of her bedroom door opening, but then she didn’t hear anything else. For what felt like an eternity, the woman didn’t leave the room, and it began getting concerning._

_“Mum?” Johanna shouted. “Are you alright?”_

_There was no reply, but they listened to her footsteps as she came back in silence. As she got to the last steps of the stairs and they could see her better, it was clear that something was definitely not alright._

_“Kate? What is it?” Her father asked upon seeing the somber expression on his wife’s face. She turned hard eyes to him, her mouth turning downwards with displeasure. The sad set of her shoulders turned determined._

_“Did you know about this?” She hissed._

_He shifted in his seat, trying to remember what he could have done to inflict such anger upon himself. “What are you talking about?”_

_“This!” She all but yelled, turning her angry gaze to her daughter instead, and lifting in her hand, to her dismay, the note she had received the day before._

_If when her mother walked down the stairs Johanna had felt her heart beating on her mouth, it was now safe to say she didn’t feel it beating at all._

_“I thought the two of you said you had decided to stop talking to that awful girl for good! You lied to me?!”_

_“What is she talking about, Johanna?” Her father said, anger colouring his voice as well, and Johanna noticed she was truly cornered. _

_“Look at this!” She handed the note to her husband. “She’s not only lying to us, this is sin!”_

_The man’s pale face began to redden as he read the note, until he looked like he was about to blow up. “How dare you?” He asked. “You had _agreed_ to end this!”_

_As she watched her parents yell, Johanna felt as if her body had been paralyzed. She was unable to grab the piece of paper, unable to talk back to them, she didn’t even know how she was able to breathe. This was her worst fears coming true._

_“How long has this been going on for?” Kate asked, pacing around the room. “How long have the two of them been… _together_?” _

_She spat the word like it was poison, and it made Johanna flinch. It hurt, and confused her more than she could say, to have something she considered so wonderful be referred to as a problem._

_“I don’t know. All I know is I caught them on a date weeks ago, but there’s no way to know how long it had been before that.”_

_Kate groaned loudly. “Oh, you naïve girl! You were always an innocent, and we took that as a virtue for so long. But now we have to stop this! You cannot see what’s going on in front of your own eyes!”_

_She stopped pacing, as if her anger had burned out, leaving only motherly concern as she kneeled before her daughter, who was still sitting on the couch, immobilized by her own fear. “My dear girl, I’m so sorry we let that happen to you. That was as much our fault as it was yours, for not having helped you see she was convincing you that you wanted things that you… that you really don’t. You have to understand, sweetheart, that people like her have a way of messing with our minds until we don’t know ourselves anymore, until we think their wishes are our own.”_

_Alone, Johanna understood those words, but put together, they made no sense. It was the same feeling of being in the car with her father again, of scarcely being able to believe that anyone could see that where Johanna saw only love and affection. But her mother’s words sounded true, or, at least, they sounded like they were true to her. In that moment, Kate truly was just a parent who knew better than her child, and would do anything to stop them from getting hurt._

_She reached for her daughter’s locks and ran her hand through them, looking into her eyes with tears on her own. “Yes, I can see she messed with your mind a lot. Don’t worry, we’ll see to that, won’t we?”_

_She looked over at her husband, who also seemed to have calmed down and nodded his agreement. “Yes. I still have the number of that friend of ours who is used to doing this kind of therapy. He will help her.”_

_“See? You’ll be fine. We will make sure you never want to see her again.” Her mother told her, and in her eyes Johanna could see she ought to be happy about that, and this confused her more than anything. So much, that she finally found it in herself to speak again._

_“But she’s my best friend.” She whispered with a tight voice. “Regardless of what we became… she’s always been my best friend. I can’t just not talk to her.”_

_Though her protest was weak, it was received with a strong response. “Look at how that girl has isolated our daughter!” She said to her husband before turning her eyes to her daughter once more._

_“You have other friends, my dear. Basically everyone loves you, they just couldn’t talk to you because you were always with that weird girl. You have Lucy, remember?”_

_“And Torrin!” Her father added. “The two of you have been spending a lot of time together, lately. He’s really happy about becoming your friend.”_

_Johanna stiffened. Those were good people, people she could easily form even deeper bonds with with time, but they weren’t Maven. She wanted to be friends with those other people who her mother said loved her without having to give up her identity and her life long partner. Didn’t she?_

_She wasn’t quite so sure anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This “therapy” Johanna’s parents talk about is biased. More like conversation therapy than anything useful, just to make that clear


	9. All the funny little things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to be able to post this Monday... sorry

_Joy was a funny thing._

_The same occasion that could give a person immense joy, could be a bump in the road for someone else, and Maven knew this. But she truly had been imagining that finally seeing Johanna again would mean happiness for the both of them. The reality was quite overwhelming._

_She had asked for a great favor from Mr. Kavindi the week before, but the man had done it with a smile. When he told Maven that Johanna said they would be able to take the same train to Ericsonberg, she’d practically lept with joy, and the feeling remained with her while she awaited for classes to begin at the university, for more than one reason._

_However, when they met at Trollberg’s train station, Johanna reacted nothing like Maven had hoped. She seemed closed off, like she was actually miles away. Seeing Maven had made her tense up, so imperceptibly that someone who hadn’t known her for her whole life wouldn’t have noticed. But Maven did._

_She noticed, also, that Johanna was reluctant to talk about, to put it shortly, anything. She didn’t get any more information on how her parents were treating her, only that they still had her phone, and that they began keeping close watch over her when she was at the library, and this is why she had stopped sending notes._

_She also deflected any questions about what she’d been doing on her free time, and asked very few questions herself. Only ten minutes after the ride had began, Maven already felt lost as to what to say, and what to think of this new treatment she was receiving. In the end, they decided on talking about college. It wasn’t what she had been hoping for, but it was better than not talking to Johanna at all._

_The when they arrived, they left the train and walked to the campus together, but soon had to split up to head to different buildings._

_“Would you like to go out to do something?” Maven asked before Johanna walked away. “Your parents can’t control who you’re with while we’re here. Maybe we could get to know the city center a little more.”_

_Johanna looked down at the floor, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “I shouldn’t. I can’t, actually. I have therapy today.”_

_Maven gasped softly and took a small step forward. “You didn’t tell me you were going to therapy. Is everything alright?”_

_The woman looked at her and blushed, realizing she’d said too much. “I’m fine. He’s just helping me sort out some things.”_

_“Well… that’s good. I think. You know you can tell me anything, right? That I’m here for whatever you need?” She asked after swallowing._

_“Yeah. I do.”_

_And with those words, she turned on her heels and walked away, leaving Maven behind to wonder where that joy from earlier had gone to._

_#_#_#_

It was not the sun that had woken Maven up. Nor was it the singing of birds, or even her alarm clock. Rather, she’d been woken up by a splitting headache.

She groaned and tried to sit up, only aggravating her pain by doing it quickly. She really wasn’t one to drink, not to this point, at least. She’d gotten drunk one time before, and yet it hadn’t left her like _this_. She pushed back the covers, and startled herself when she realized she still had her work clothes on. 

Before anything else, she checked her cellphone to make sure she wasn’t late. And after having done so, she dragged herself out of bed for a badly needed bath. As she cleaned and readied herself, she tried to remember what, exactly, had happened the night before. She remembered drinking, which explained her current state, and having the door opened by Johanna. The rest was a haze.

She took an aspirin which she found in her bathroom drawer and swallowed it without water, hoping that its effects would come along quickly, and that breakfast would make her feel better. She put more pills in her purse, just in case.

The headache was bothering her so much that when she opened her bedroom door and left for the kitchen, she even forgot that this would mean facing Johanna. But upon being met with the sight of her in front of the stove, it was difficult not to remember.

She was concentrating on what she was doing, pancakes, judging by the scent. When Maven entered the room, however, Hilda, who was playing with a toy in her stroller, noticed her and made a sound that Maven would describe as a laugh. Johanna turned her head to the newcomer, and they gazed at each other for moments. It would have been a comical situation, if Maven wasn’t in ithh be.

“Why…” Maven began, not really sure why she had gotten out of bed in the first place. “Why are you always here when I come down? You know you can sleep for however long you want, right?”

Whatever Johanna had been expecting Maven to say, this wasn’t it, and she began laughing like Maven hadn’t seen her do for longer than she’d like to consider. Following her mother’s lead, Hilda too made a series of happy sounds, and Maven realized just how alike they were in that moment.

“Yes, I know!” Johanna said, catching her breath. “I’m usually up at this time because of Hilda’s feeding hours.”

Maven muttered a soft “oh” and looked at the ground in embarrassment. When Johanna realized her friend didn’t know what to say, she offered to make her some pancakes , even though she was already making them for them both anyway, and invited her to sit down. Which was weird, since they were at _her_ house, but weirder things had happened in the past days. 

When Johanna was back at the stove, the librarian spoke up again.

“I don’t really remember what happened yesterday. So if I did something… bad, or said something I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry. And if I did something stupid, for the sake of my pride, never let me know.”

This sent Johanna into another laughing round, though this time Hilda was too busy chewing on her toy to follow along. “It’s okay.” She said. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Or stupid.”

“Thank the universe for small favours.” Maven muttered under her breath.

“However.” Johanna continued, taking the pancake from the pan to a plate with and old spatula she’d found in the kitchen drawers. “I… think we should talk about our argument.”

Maven could notice by her voice that the subject made her nervous, and she couldn’t blame her. Johanna was very brave to even bring this up.

“I suppose you’re right.” She sighed. “But can it be at a moment when I’m not wishing for the guillotine?” 

Johanna rolled her eyes and placed a plate with three pancakes and chocolate syrup in front of her, moving away to make her own breakfast.

Things between them weren’t okay. Not yet, at least. But Maven was sure that they had already been through the worst of it. So maybe now it wasn’t too naive to think that it would get better.

_#_#_#_

_It was very ironic, in Maven’s opinion, that they had been closer as friends that they were now, as a couple._

_During the first weeks of class, everything was quite similar to that first day. Johanna would never accept her invitations to go out, and their conversations remained plain and shallow. No matter how many times she asked Johanna what was wrong, and what could she do for her, her answer would always be the same, that everything was fine and normal._

_At many times, Maven had wanted to blow up and start crying. Or yelling. Whichever way would show her frustration best. But if she did that, than Johanna for sure would not tell her anything. So she controlled herself._

_She controlled herself and kept on telling herself that, if anything, she got to spend half an hour every day with her at the train. It was very little, but it was something; she had to keep believing that it was going to get better, if not for faith in Johanna, than for her own mental well-being._

_But then one morning, Maven had been waiting for her by the platform when she entered the train station. Her eyes were searching the crowd, visibly worried, and Maven waved her hand to let her know where she was. When she noticed her, however, she seemed to go from scared to terrified, and when Maven looked at her friend’s side, she understood why._

_Johanna’s father noticed her too, and shot his daughter a deadly look. He grabbed his daughter’s hand and dragged her away, and their eyes met for just one second before she was gone again._

_Maven raised her arm and reached out on instinct, tears rising up in her throat. It felt like that day at the Poet’s Retreat all over again. _

_And once more, she could do nothing but watch Johanna be dragged away from her._

_#_#_#_

_”I can’t even say I’m surprised at this point.” Her father said as he dragged her out. “No one would prefer the train to a car ride unless they had a reason. I really don’t know what we’re going to do with you, girl.”_

_He sighed and ran his hand through his dark hair. “Call Torrin. Tell him you’ll be accepting that car ride to the university, after all.”_

_#_#_#_

Truth was a funny thing.

The same happening that could be interpreted in a way by a person could be seen in a vastly different way by another, and Johanna knew this. As she sat on Maven’s living room floor playing with her baby, she couldn’t help but wonder why the facts she knew seemed so muddled and contradictory.

She’d spent the day before feeling guilty for having insulted her friend the way she had, but now that it seemed like Maven had forgiven her, her mind wandered through the harsh words she had spat at Johanna.

Part of her mind told her that this was exactly what made Johanna walk away from Maven. This insistence that it didn’t matter what the city, what her _friends_ though about her, this vilifying of her parents, who surely knew her more than anyone else and wanted only her best, this is what made her break up with Maven in the first place. Well, this and thinking that she’d found her true soulmate. That had definitely not worked out. 

There was another part of her mind, however, that told her the same thing it had been telling her ever since things began going wrong. _Who do you think you’re kidding?_, it asked her. _This is Maven we’re talking about. This is the girl who tells you not to worry about their opinions because if she did, she’d break. Who doesn’t think highly of your parents because she’s seen you nearly killing yourself for their approval. She’s your best friend._

Johanna had always been able to see the best in people, and she prided herself on that. The thing was, beside a few issues that her friend had developed due to what she went through in life, she’d never really _noticed_ any dark traits in Maven’s personality. They had all been called to her attention by her parents. 

But the ironic thing was that, just as they claimed Johanna hadn’t been able to be aware of them because Maven, even as a child, had supposedly been grooming her for as long as they knew each other, her parents had also had influence on her ever since she was born.

Though she believed with all that she was that they’d never purposely do something to hurt her, especially now that she knew what loving your child felt like, it wouldn’t be too far fetched to believe that they could have set out to convince Johanna of Maven’s bad intentions because of their beliefs. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t done all in their power to make her believe that her identity was wrong, though that hadn’t quite worked out for them. The tricky thing was, it also would not be hard to keep on believing what they had told her, to believe that maybe Maven only welcomed her into her house to isolate her, that maybe she was secretly happy about the rumors going on. 

_No,_ she thought as she quickly stopped Hilda from taking a toy to her mouth. It would be endlessly unfair of Johanna to actually believe those thoughts about Maven. Though she did not know the truth about the past, she knew that she had been the one to ask Maven for shelter, and that she wouldn’t be as selfish as to want Johanna’s reputation to be damaged in such a way.

She needed time. She needed to sort through the thoughts in her head and separate truth from lies. She’d recently found out that the person she had loved was in no way what she thought he was, so what else was an illusion? She needed time, and she needed to talk to Maven as soon as possible. She needed the truth.

She sighed and looked through the window at the sunshine outside. She would have to face the world at some point. She would have to have an argument with her parents and look for divorce lawyers and fight for the custody of Hilda. 

But first she had to understand who she could trust. That would probably be the hardest task of all.

_#_#_#_

_Johanna sucked in breath as their destination appeared in the horizon, the little red house getting closer and closer as they drove through the dirt road._

_Torrin glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and smiled at her, pleased to see the awe struck way in which she took in the wilderness surrounding the cabin his grandfather had built so long ago. Earlier that week, she had confided in him that she’d been having trouble studying at home, not finding it in herself to relax while her parents were near. He’d immediately suggested that she let him take her to the secluded cabin for a day or two, assuring her that it was the perfect place to find the focus she needed. _

_When she asked her parents for permission to spend the weekend with him, they shared a secret look of satisfaction, and smiled at her. Not only did they allow the excursion, but they also gave her her phone back, and she had to wonder at their change of heart._

_Upon arriving, Torrin showed her a spare room where she would spend the night. It had a lovely view of the forest surrounding the valley, and Johanna knew she was sure to spend long minutes gazing from it when she wasn’t studying._

_Next, he gave her a tour of the cabin, and told her a few of the tales about the forest and the creatures that lived there. Johanna was absolutely enchanted with everything. She felt safer there than she had anywhere in a long time. _

_“Thank you, Torrin.” She said when they had finished eating lunch, a few sandwiches that they had prepared before leaving Trollberg. “Thank you so much for bringing me here. It’s doing me a lot of good.”_

_He tilted his head, his wild blue hair covering a part of his face. “You know I’d do anything for you, Jo.”_

_She blushed. He had told her this already. He had spoken of how his feelings went beyond friendship. At the time, she still held on to hope that she could make things work with Maven, but now? Now she wasn’t even sure if she wanted them to work. Everything that everyone who wished her well lead her to believe that it would be better if she backed away._

_At the time, she had told him she was flattered, but that she didn’t return his feelings. He had looked sad and disappointed, and barely spoken to her for days before coming back to normal. But would it truly be so bad to have this man in her life? She already loved him as a friend, and she felt a great deal of affection for him. She could easily learn to love him in other ways. _

_She gave him a smile, already thinking about what she would do. She’d tell him about her desire to be with him, preferably while they were still at the cabin. Only one thing stopped her from talking to him just now. There was still something she needed to do._

_#_#_#_

When Maven got home later that day, she felt reasonably better. Her head didn’t want to murder her and she didn’t feel like she had been run over by a car, which was progress. But she still felt dread settle at the pit of her stomach as she entered the living room, knowing that Johanna was somewhere in the house and that she would want to _talk_.

The woman seemed to have heard the rattle of the metal key against the door lock as her friend shut the heavy door, because as soon as Maven was inside Johanna shouted at her to say that she was in her room. Understanding that this must mean that she wanted to talk to her, Maven was soon knocking on Johanna’s door and being allowed in.

Johanna was sitting cross legged on the bed, her laptop opened on top of her legs. A small white playpen had been set up by the bed, the little girl inside excitingly playing with stuffed toys that looked like folklore characters. When Maven stepped in, Johanna looked up at her and gave her a timid smile, also slightly at lost as to what to do.

“How was your day?” She asked to break the ice, and Maven shrugged.

“Normal. I’m helping Mr. Kavindi plan a ghost story telling night for the kids.”

Johanna smiled. That sounded right up Maven’s alley. “Near Halloween, I assume?”

“Yeah.” Maven nodded, and after a few seconds added “What are you doing?”

Johanna’s shoulders dropped and she sighed, gesturing for Maven to sit down next to her. She chose to stay at the edge of the bed, not wanting to bother her friend. “I’m looking up divorce. The legal part of it.”

“Oh” Maven sucked in breath.

Johanna stared sadly at the screen for moments. She was feeling so lost. She was barely old enough to have gotten married, let alone to get a divorce. She knew so little, and it would have been more bearable if she had her family on her side, but she didn’t.

Maybe Maven had been right to say their love was conditional.

Which brought them to the matter at hand.

She closed the laptop and set it aside, making Maven swallow at her business-like manners. She took a deep breath before asking. 

“Maven, can we talk?”

The librarian looked down at her feet and nodded, trying to put on a brave face. “I don’t want to be captured by French revolutionaries anymore, so sure.”

Johanna smiled nervously, not sure where to begin. Eventually she decided it should be by the most important part. “I’m sorry. It was very rude of me to say the things I did. Your mother had never been anything but welcoming towards me, and I don’t really think you’ve ever harmed me on purpose.”

Though her words were meant to comfort, Maven felt as if her heart was being lashed at. Had she truly ever hurt Johanna? Two days ago, she didn’t think so, but apparently she had. And that wasn’t even what hurt the most. The worst part was knowing Johanna wasn’t even _sure_ that it hadn’t been on purpose. 

It would be easy to give in to her impulses in that moment, and begin another wave of questions and accusations, but that wouldn’t be fair with her friend. If she wasn’t ready to talk yet, if she was still too unstable to unknot her feelings, Maven would respect that. She could live with the doubt, and she could live with knowing she was still something alien in her eyes, but she wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of putting them against each other when Johanna needed her help the most.

“It’s okay.” She answered weakly. “I may have brought it on myself, really. The moment you began shouting, I knew I had fucked up. And I’m sorry too. Your life is none of my business.”

It hurt to admit it, but it was the truth. Johanna gave her a mirthless chuckle. “I was surprised with you as well, I have to say. You aren’t one to raise your voice either.”

Maven lifted her eyebrows. “You think so?”

“Of course. You’re usually so calm. Calculating, even.”

She snorted, looking at the ground. _That has never worked like that when you were concerned_, she thought.

“Do you think we could put this behind us?” Maven asked as she looked at Hilda, who was somewhat gazing at her with a little smile on her chubby face. Johanna sighed; she knew there was much they still needed to talk about before they could put this behind them, but not now. Not yet.

She just hoped it wouldn’t come to a “not ever”.

_#_#_#_

_If she told anyone that for her, the cemetery was a great place to think, they’d probably call her mad. But it worked for her. The stillness in the air, the feeling of being surrounded by the names of people who had already left this world’s troubles behind them, the sound of gravel under her shoes, it all made her mind a little more organized. It made her feel calm._

_She should be in her house, studying or helping her mother with chores, but instead she was here blasting music on her earphones and wandering around. It was not ideal, but she was truly having trouble focusing lately. It was hard to concentrate on anything when she was so very afraid for her girlfriend._

_She’d come outside to reflect on that, on how she knew so little about what was going on and about how their relationship had sunk so suddenly. As if by magic, her phone buzzed with a message, and Maven startled as she saw who it was from._

_Johanna hadn’t sent her a message in months._

__I need to talk to you__

_It was by no means a comforting text, and it made Maven feel as if she’d received a blow, but at least it looked like her parents had allowed her to have her cellphone back. That was something._

__I’m sorry. This is something that should be done face to face. You deserved a call, at least, but I can’t atm.__

_Maven choked a sob. She knew what was coming. It had been building up to this for months, so she couldn’t say she was surprised, but it still hurt. When the last message arrived, saying that Johanna wished her the best but she was breaking up with her, Maven was already sitting down on the grass, her face in her hands, trying to control her breathing. _

_She couldn’t tell what exactly had been the cause of this, but she knew for sure that the last thing Johanna wanted was to hurt her. So she returned the favor and acted as calm as she could, knowing that her ex had every right to stop having feelings for her, even though it broke her heart into a million pieces._

__I wish you the best as well. Tell me if you ever need anything.__

_She turned the volume all the way up, hoping that the music would distract her, but all it did was make her want to cry. But she refused to cry. It wasn’t a tragedy, she told herself. It was just a phase that hadn’t worked out. Maybe the next time it would work out._

_She had been alone for very long. She could be alone again._

_A tear spilled over her cheek. She knew she was telling herself a lie, but if this lie would keep her from breaking down, so be it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to further enhance your angst experience, I’ll let you know that the song Maven was listening to in the last scene was Perfect by My Darkest Days. Enjoy!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter: the d slur, descriptions of violence (light, but it’s there)
> 
> Also, for those who don’t know, Sabbats are the “holidays” celebrated by Wiccans/witches. Mabon is one of them

_Her mother had been very right, Maven realized._

_Not that it came as a surprise; her mother was right about things more often than not, a combination of wisdom gained by experience and the wisdom she had been born with, but as she had to leave her house barely minutes after arriving from college, she finally saw why her mother always insisted in planning ahead for the Sabbats._

_She had no idea how, but she had completely missed that Mabon, the autumn equinox, was coming. Well, she supposed it wasn’t completely abnormal that it had slipped her mind - between her mother’s deteriorating health and trying to balance college with work, she had a lot on her mind._

_She felt a sharp pain on her chest as she realized that her mother hadn’t remembered it either. Maven had visited her before taking the train to Ericsonberg, like she always did when her mother was bad enough that the doctors decided to keep her in the hospital, and she didn’t say anything about it. Her mother must really be feeling down if she forgot a Sabbat._

_But Maven refused to spend the day without as much as acknowledging the date. Thus the late run for a red candle and apple incense. Ideally, she would have tried to spend some time in nature, meditate, maybe even call her cousin and ask him if he was up for a divination session. But this would have to do. _

_When she was walking to the store, however, she began hearing a commotion in the distance. It didn’t take her long to connect the dots and realize that it came from one of Trollberg’s only bars, a loud, usually dirty place that was known for gathering all the wrong sorts of people. The bar was on the way to the store, so the rumors only got louder and louder until she finally walked by it._

_It was quite crowded for a weekday, so Maven made her steps quicker as she passed it by. As she left the place behind and its sounds began fading, however, she began hearing whispering behind her, and other steps echoed on the street beside her own._

_She didn’t worry much about it. Crime in Trollberg was practically unheard of, but she tried to keep to the shadows nevertheless. It was when she was about to turn around the corner that she had the opportunity to take a look at the person who had been following her, and when she did, she thought she would rather it was a burglar._

_He laughed when he noticed she saw him, leaning against a friend’s shoulder with two other men behind him, and her whole body tensed up. She knew the wise thing to do would be continue walking, refuse to just stay in an empty street with him, but her feet just wouldn’t move, despite her best efforts._

_“Afraid of us, dyke?” Torrin mocked with laughter in his voice, making Maven stand up straighter._

_“Of course not.” She should go. She really should go, but her body did not obey her, even as the man came closer, his step just a bit unsteady because of the alcohol he was reeking of._

_“Do you have any news of Johanna?” As he approached her, she could see that his eyes looked wild, untamed, like an animal that could snap at any moment, and his smile had a cruel twist to it._

_He laughed when she didn’t answer. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Don’t worry, though. She’s much better now.”_

_As he took a step forward, Maven thought that he wouldn’t actually dare to do what it looked like he would, but she was proven wrong when he put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her hard, making her stagger backwards and very nearly fall to the ground._

_She bared her teeth and stepped towards him, her heart beating on her ears, feeling hot despite the chilly night. She was not a fighter, but she’d be damned if she ran away without as much as giving him a piece of her mind. When she was close enough to grasp him, though, she looked at his smug grin, and had to draw back._

_This would lead to nothing. She’d only get hurt, and he’d report the happening to the cops, who would obviously side with him. And even if they didn’t, his father would get him out of any punishment as easy as breathing._

_She had no choice but to yield._

_So she stepped back, still panting. “At least I didn’t have to use my parent’s influence to date her. Pathetic, really.”_

_Maven had barely a second to duck before his open hand came flying towards her face, only barely missing. _

_“She’s so much happier now. She didn’t know what she wanted!”_

_She took two more steps backwards, readying herself to break into a run if needed. “Oh, she didn’t know, but you did?”_

_Torrin’s friends looked like they wanted to laugh, and he seemed to be a second away from launching at her, when the man who ran the bar walked out of the door and looked at where they were in the end of the street._

_“What’s going on in here?” He shouted at them, having been able to hear Torrin’s voice from the inside._

_All the boys looked at him, and Maven took this opportunity to sprint away from them, turning into street after street until she was absolutely sure she’d lost them. She knew that come morning there would probably be a fresh batch of gossip about how she tried to assault the mayor’s son in a deserted street. She didn’t care. It wasn’t the first time something like this happened, and it wouldn’t be the last. She knew very well that the people who truly mattered wouldn’t believe the fake story._

_She walked back to the part of the town she was most familiar with, heading for the little house behind the cemetery. There would be no celebration that night._

_#_#_#_

Johanna hated feeling idle. Not that she had been lying around, doing nothing for days- she had a baby to take care of. That alone occupied most of her time. But she hated that it felt like she was helping with _nothing_.

She knew she’d need some more time at Maven’s house. Her life was the very definition of chaos, and she needed somewhere to stay while she gathered strength and sanity to put it back together. But she hated that it felt like she was relying completely on her friend, especially because it was very unfair to her. She had been struggling to make ends meet on her own, and now she had to provide for two extra people, and Johanna was truly afraid of the toll this could have in her. 

So, even through Maven’s insistence that it wasn’t necessary, Johanna began helping as best as she could with a small child to care for. She cleaned the house and did the laundry, and cooked to the best of her ability. One day, Maven told her she wouldn’t be back at the house for lunch, explaining that one of their neighbors had asked her to do a small cleaning job for her; it wasn’t the first time she did that, Maven told her, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. 

Johanna had looked down at her breakfast, thinking this through before objecting. “Let me go instead.”

Maven looked at her with a confused face, her head tilted sideways.

“You already work so much, and I know you need all the time to study as you can get. And you shouldn’t skip lunch, either. So let me do it for you. I’ll give you the money, or use it to do the groceries, of course.”

Her friend told her it wasn’t necessary, that she didn’t have to work before she had her life sorted out. That Maven could hang on and help them for a while longer. But Johanna brushed off her affirmations along with her concerns about Hilda, and said firmly.

“You’re helping me way more than you needed to. The least I can do is help you back where I can.”

So she had taken that job, and anytime someone called Maven for little helps around their house, Johanna went instead.

Thus the situation she currently found herself in.

Usually, when she left, she made sure Hilda was sleeping and took her with her, leaving the baby in her stroller while she worked. But this time, Hilda was wide awake and playing in her playpen, and Johanna couldn’t very well just _leave_.

She sighed, looking at her daughter happily picking her toys up and dropping them to the floor again, squealing excitedly as they hit it with a tud. She hated to bother Maven, but it was probably her best option.

Her friend was in the living room couch, sitting among her textbooks and notebooks with a posture so bad that it nearly gave Johanna back pain, an signthe she was focusing very hard. She had been there ever since she got home from work, an hour earlier. Maven worked the afternoon shift at Saturdays, Johanna learned. 

She approached her friend slowly, not wanting to startle her out of her line of thought, and touched a hand to her shoulder. She took her eyes away from her books and looked at her, surprised.

“Maven, I’m so sorry to ask you this, but could you do something for me?”

“Sure, what is it?” She asked with a frown.

“I need to be at Mrs. Boyle’s in five minutes. Could you look over Hilda while I’m away? It shouldn’t be long, she didn’t ask for much.”

Maven tilted her head. “I’m really not sure I’m fit for this job.”

Johanna brought her head to the back of her neck, scratching it. “She’s just playing at the moment. You just need to watch over and make sure she doesn’t swallow anything or accidentally hurts herself. You can bring your books and continue studying at my room, if you want.”

She still looked uncertain, but at least it looked like she wasn’t going to downright object. “Well… I took care of a newborn cousin for a few days when I was a teen. I think I can manage not to traumatize her for life.”

Johanna smiled at her. “Thank you. Please call me if anything happens, okay? I’ll come right away.”

“Okay.” She answered, and just like that she was left alone in her own house with a baby to take care of.

_#_#_#_

“Hi, baby. I guess I’ll be taking care of you for a few hours.”

Hilda looked at her when she entered the room, blinking at her with her wide, round eyes, and breaking into a toothless smile after a few seconds. Maven couldn’t help but smile back at her.

She had brought one of her textbooks with her into the room, planning on reading through the chapter and writing down any doubts she had to research later, but now that she was actually near the child she should be watching over, she didn’t feel at all too comfortable with the idea of focusing on anything other than her. Johanna had trusted her with the most important person in her life, she could _not_ let her down with this.

She sat down on the floor, leaving the book on the bed, and realized that Hilda was still looking at her, her brightly coloured toys forgotten in the floor around her. “Um… you have some nice things here. I guess.”

There was a red plastic rattle by the pillow in which Hilda was propped on, and Maven put her hand inside the playpen to pick it up. The baby’s eyes followed her hand, suddenly very interested in the toy even though she had been ignoring it the second before.

The librarian gave the rattle a shake, filling their ears with riotous sound. Hilda smiled once again (and how adorable, Maven though, how much this girl smiled) and brought her hands together with glee. She continued playing with the rattle, bringing it closer and further to Hilda and watching the baby’s expression change, unable not to giggle at her joy over such a simple thing. She had to admit, though this girl looked like her father, she was every inch her mother, and Maven hoped she would continue like this.

Maybe, with time, Maven could begin to associate cyan hair with good things.

_#_#_#_

_It had taken some questions to the graphic design students she found on campus and a lot of luck, but she had found Johanna. She was talking to a girl Maven didn’t recognize as she left the classroom after a lecture, behind the stream of people who had been anxious to leave._

_A nervous feeling settled in Maven’s stomach as she walked closer. Ever since they had broken up, she hadn’t heard from Johanna. Not a text, not a bump in the university’s corridors, not even a ride in the same wagon of the train, so it was abundantly clear to Maven that Johanna did not want to see her, and she thought the least she could do was respect that. But Johanna deserved to know._

_The knowledge that Johanna and Torrin were dating had reached her not long after they broke up. She had overheard two of her old classmates talking at the library and picked that up from the conversation. On hindsight, she shouldn’t have been so shaken. She should have seen it coming, really, with the way that things had been going, but the moment she heard about it she very nearly dropped the heavy stack of books she had been carrying, and had to lock herself in the library’s bathroom for some minutes in order to put herself together. _

_It hadn’t surprised her too much that Johanna had chosen Torrin. Once Johanna decided someone was worth the effort, nothing could stop her. What had put her off at the time was that it had taken so little time for her to begin dating someone else. She probably had already been in love with him even when they were dating, and that _hurt_. But now it didn’t matter what they had been to each other before, now Maven needed to warn Johanna before she found herself in danger._

_When Johanna noticed her, out of the corner of her eye, she said her goodbyes to the girl who had been talking to her, telling her she’d meet her later for tea, and the girl walked away. Maven watched her leave, and when she was out of earshot she turned to Johanna._

_“There’s something I need to tell you.”_

_Johanna frowned, her posture clearly speaking of unease and tension. “What is it?”_

_Maven looked around, making sure no one was listening to them. “Torrin tried to attack me on Friday. I was walking, and I passed by a bar where he was drinking with his friends.”_

_Johanna’s face was serious, but not startled. The librarian continued._

_“He followed me, and when I turned back, he pushed me. Then he tried to slap me. He didn’t really hurt me, I think he was too drunk to properly have control over his limbs, but he _wanted to_, and I think you should know this about him.”_

_Maven had been expecting anger from her friend. This was the same Johanna who would never let anything happen to the people she cared about, she had been expecting her to feel betrayed, or at least concerned by her boyfriend’s actions. She had not been expecting her to look down at her feet and answer quietly._

_“I’m sorry, Maven. I wish I could believe you, but Torrin warned that you’d tell me that”_

_Those words were like a bucket of cold water on Maven’s head. _Of course_ he had said so. “Johanna, _please_ believe me. You’ve already seen him do things like that before. You must remember the sort of pranks he liked to lay on my mother.”_

_Johanna looked up sharply, looking angry at last. “That was _before_. He has changed, Maven. He just needed someone to give him support and show him he was wrong. He is a good person now.”_

_Her fierce defense of him left Mave gaping. “Then how do you explain what just happened?”_

_Johanna but her lip, taking a breath before answering. “You must be lying. I don’t want to believe you’d do this to me, but… it’s the only thing that makes sense.”_

_Maven gasped. “What would I even get by lying to you?”_

_Johanna swallowed. Ever since her parents had found out about Maven and her and began warming her against her friend, she had been looking for _proof_. She wanted to see with her own eyes that what they were telling her was real, because it didn’t really feel like it was. But this was it: the proof she had been waiting for. Maven was trying to tear them apart._

_When Torrin had told her about the confrontation he’d had with Maven on Friday, Johanna hadn’t blamed her. Gods knew Torrin had been a jerk to her in the past, so Johanna couldn’t blame her for yelling at her boyfriend. But when he told her that Maven would want to blow it out of proportion, she hadn’t thought that he was right. Maven was nothing if not discreet. But here it was now. He was right._

_Johanna shrugged. “You want us to break up, don’t you? You never liked him.”_

_“Of course I want you to break up! Forgive me if I’m worried about my friend dating a violent drunk!”_

_“Maven, please. I know you’re lying. I know what you’re trying to do. I don’t want to fight with you.”_

_Maven blinked. She realized, with a lot of sadness, that Johanna would stick by Torrin. There was nothing she could do if she wouldn’t believe her. She swallowed past a lump in her throat._

_“Very well. I see I won’t get anywhere with you.”_

_She turned on her heels and began walking away. Johanna breathed a sigh of relief. She had been right. Maven had all but admitted she had been lying. She was still staring at her back, watching her go away, when her friend turned back to her with sad eyes._

_“Anna? If you ever need help…” she stopped, thinking about all the stories she heard on the news about women who misplaced their trust on their partners. “You can come to me. Goodbye.”_

_After that, she turned around again and walked away with a quick stride, as if she was afraid of being in Johanna’s presence for much longer, as if something bad would happen if she were. And maybe it would._

_#_#_#_

Johanna walked into the room to find herself looking into one of the most peaceful scenes she had seen all month. Sweet, classical music flooded the room while Hilda slept peacefully on her stroller, with Maven hunched over a book by her side on the bed.

The librarian looked up when she heard the door opening, her lips turning upwards in response to Johanna’s own smile. “So, I take it everything was okay?”

Maven nodded. “She’s a very good child. She wanted to play but she barely gave any trouble at all.”

The librarian closed her book and got up from the bed as quietly as she could, walking over to Johanna. “I changed her diaper but I don’t really have a lot of practice with this. Maybe later you should check if I did that right.”

Johanna snorted as Maven rubbed her neck sheepishly, and reached inside her pocket for the money she had been given for her work. “That’s okay. Thank you so much for taking care of her. Here.”

She tried to press the few bills into her friend’s hand, but she hesitated. “Are you sure you don’t want to keep it? You’re the one who earned it.”

Johanna closed Maven’s hand over the money, making her take it. “I still have some of my own. And you’re doing so much for us already, I can’t let you provide for us alone.”

Maven looked at the money, and then at her face. “Help should be freely given.”

Johanna tilted her head and smiled at her, glancing at her sleeping daughter and the children’s book that had been left on the bed, a clear sign that Maven had been reading to her. “It is being freely given. I’m just trying to help as well.”

Before she could think too much and stop herself from doing it, she bent her head forward and pressed a quick kiss to Maven’s cheek. As she drew back and looked at her friend’s wide, surprised eyes, she couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“Just stop being so proud for a moment, okay?” She teased with good nature. “Thanks to you, we’re fine. And I want you to be fine as well.”

Maven’s face began to melt into something less like shock and more like contentment. “Okay. That’s something I can do.”

“You should go to sleep now.” Johanna said, moving past Maven to drop her coat on the bed. “It’s very late.”

Maven rolled her eyes. “Goodnight, Johanna. You get some sleep as well.”

“Goodnight, Maven.” She said as her friend left the room. “Thank you for everything


	11. Bared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the chapter I wrote with the nice anons cheering me on on tumblr! Thank you, nice anons!   
Also, trigger warning for descriptions of violence and early stage emotional abuse.

_Torrin had been silent all day long. He had woken up quite content, but as soon as Johanna talked to him about her plans to visit her parents, his face had become unsmiling and remained this way all through the small trip to Trolberg and their visit, and that’s how he still was when they were driving back to their cabin. It had been making Johanna uneasy, but she had thought maybe the best to do was to wait until his bad mood went away. However, since it was showing no signs of doing so, she finally gathered the courage to ask him about it when they were going home._

_“Is everything okay, love? You’re looking sad.”_

_Torrin sighed. He had driven on their way into town, but since he’d had a few beers at her parents’ house, he had allowed Johanna to drive for the trip back. He wiggled himself in the passenger seat, sitting straighter. “I’m just… sad you prefer them over me, you know?”_

_Johanna stared straight ahead, her brow furrowing. “What do you mean?”_

_“Well,” He began, dragging a hand though his face. “You spend a lot of time at Ericsonberg with your friends during the week, and I don’t begrudge you that. But I had thought we would have the weekends to ourselves. We are a married couple now, we should spend the most time as possible in each other’s company!”_

_Johanna felt a small pull at her heart. Had she truly upset him? “But we were together.” She argued softly. _

_“You know what I mean. Alone time.” He turned to look out of the window, facing away from her._

_“I get it, but… you did go out to see your friends two weeks ago. It’s important to keep contact with the people we love.”_

_He turned his face to her, and with the corner of her eye she could see that he looked somewhat angry. “Yes, but that was when you were busy with college stuff and couldn’t give me attention anyway. Isn’t the point of being married beginning a _new life_ together?”_

_Johanna’s expression softened as she tried to see his point. “Torrin… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”_

_“I know you didn’t.” He sighed, sitting back against his seat. “It’s just that you’re my whole world, you know? It’s painful that I’m not yours.”_

_Johanna’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. He had changed because of her, he had changed _for_ her, and she loved him so much for it. She couldn’t have him feeling unappreciated. “But you are!”, She insisted, moving one hand to grab his, which felt way to warm and tense at the touch._

_“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it, Jo. I don’t need you to pity me.”_

_“I do mean it!” She protested, practically begging for him to believe her. “What do you want me to do to prove it?”_

_he looked at her from beneath his untamed hair. “Just… try to show a bit more of commitment to us, okay?”_

_Johanna squeezed his hand, infinitely glad to have him in a good mood again. She couldn’t stand to see him upset. “Okay.”_

_#_#_#_

_Ridiculous,_ Maven thought._ This is all ridiculous._

She looked around the place. It was a party house that the City Hall had rented for this event, excessively decorated with orange and black colours. Few were the surfaces that didn’t have a fake pumpkin laying upon it, or at least a plastic skeleton of an animal that didn’t even have bones in the first place. How did they even manage to get a spider that wrong? And if that wasn’t enough, she still had to deal with the awful Halloween music blasting from the speakers. She was really not in the mood for ‘monster mash’. 

But at least it wasn’t a costume party, Maven guessed. Given the Mayor’s taste for drama, that had probably been in the realm of possibility.

From her side, Mr. Kavindi cleared his throat (he probably had also been astounded by the eyesore that this whole party was) and put a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him and narrowed her eyes in accusation. _He_ was the reason she was in this hell, he had dragged her into this.

“Come, Maven.” He said, ignoring her murderous glare. “Let’s find ourselves a table. Maybe on the outside.”

_Liar. Traitor. He thinks a table away from these goddamned red lights is going to help? Well, maybe it will. But still, traitor,_ she mused as she allowed herself to be guided through the tables and the other guests. This had all been his idea. It had began quite innocently, with him saying that he had figured the perfect way for them to advertise their Halloween event for children at the library.

The mayor had made a sort of tradition out of Halloween parties. Of course, he usually only invited the people he deemed _important_, but with the elections coming this year, he had decided to invite some public workers as well. When Mr. Kavindi revealed that his plan involved _attending_ such a party, Maven had been ready to take the Nope train straight to Screw-This-Crapville, but then he’d pulled _puppy eyes_ on her, and she was now almost certain she knew why it was her college’s dean had done him a favour. The man was a master in the art of persuasion! 

When they were finally outside again, Maven felt like she had been set free from a jail, and she filled her lungs with the cool night air. The older librarian dropped his hand from her lower back, where he had been gently guiding her, and pulled himself a chair in one of the two tables that had been set on the outside.

“Is your wife coming?” Maven asked, looking around. It was supposed to be a back garden to the building, but truly it was just a lawn. She supposed that it was like that in order for it to be possible to put up tents and stages in there, but she still thought it looked hideous. Lawns were such an aristocratic France thing. It would have looked much more appealing if they had planted native flowers.

“Maven.” He called, snapping her out of her musings. “I know this look. Stop judging the place, we’re guests. It’s impolite.”

Maven huffed and marched to the table beside him, sitting with her right elbow on the table and her chin on her hand. “No, she’s not.” He answered.

Maven scrunched her nose, her eyes being drawn to the sky above her. At least the stars looked as beautiful as always. The moon had been full just a few days before, now it was heading to waning. Mrs. Kavindi was one lucky woman. 

“Now we wait? Because I’m certainly not going to even try to mingle.”

The man raised an eyebrow. “You know, the reason we arrived earlier was precisely to try to mingle. Convince them that we are planning nice things at the library, you know?”

Not even taking her eyes from the sky, Maven chuckled. “Trust me, no one is going to come if I’m the one who tries to convince them.”

Looking at his young colleague, he sighed. Such a good woman, he would never be able to understand why everyone seemed so scared of her. In the end, he couldn’t deny that she was probably right.

“Don’t worry, then. I’ll handle a little talking. You can wait here until the time comes.”

_#_#_#_

And wait she did. Mr. Kavindi left and returned to the table a few times, going inside to check if there were any approachable people that had arrived to whom he could talk to about their project. The other table next to theirs remained unoccupied, and the only people who Maven talked to besides the librarian were the waiters who walked by with trays of expensive looking finger food.

Finally, eight thirty arrived. Both of them were called inside by a man who was also wearing the same uniform as the waiters, but was holding no tray. Probably an organizer. They were led among the crowd into the center room of the mansion, where they were told to climb the first few steps of a big, ivory staircase that split into two some steps above.

Maven wasn’t one to feel nervous about public speaking, but the crow gathered there was making her feel sweaty and dizzy. Before her, she could barely spot one friendly face. There were a few people who looked at them with interest and smiled, sure; it would be impossible for the _whole town_ to be brainless. But the great majority of the guests were people she knew saw her as less than human, either because didn’t agree with what she was or because they just gave that treatment to anyone who wasn’t as _important_ as them.

She shouldn’t have looked directly into the crowd in front of her. She should have just let them be individual blurs of disinterested faces, waiting for her to go away, but she did look. Just as the music was lowered and the organizer raised his voice to call for silence and attention, she looked into the crowd.

The first people she unfortunately recognized was a couple, although you wouldn’t be able to tell they were together if you didn’t know them. They had their eyes narrowed to her in anger, and she quickly looked away. _Johanna’s parents_. Why were they here? Sure, Kate was a doctor, so maybe she had come as a public worker?

Or maybe they had come because they were the in-laws of the mayor’s son.

That… made sense.

She continued scanning the crowd, and didn’t notice that Mr. Kavindi had began speaking. He introduced them as the library staff and listed a few of their programs, briefly explaining them. She knew that he was saying his speech, and that she should be paying attention, but his words barely registered in the back of her mind. She ought to be paying attention, but she really couldn’t. Not when she spotted an angry frown in the crowd, staring directly at her, his blue hair for once combed into something respectable.

Her blood froze at seeing him, even though she knew he would be there. It took a humiliating few seconds for Maven to realize Mr. Kavindi had stopped speaking and was looking at her.

She sucked in breath when she noticed every eye on the room was locked on her. Her tongue felt heavy in her mouth, and she had to clean her throat before she began speaking. She had practiced her speech many times, with Johanna and Hilda as her encouraging audience, and the words had been flowing smoothly by the time she considered herself ready. It was a little different now. She wouldn’t go as far as to say it was a _disaster_, but her speech didn’t come out as easily, she sometimes needed to stop and think about what came next, and her body felt full of tense energy. She hoped she wasn’t fidgeting too much.

When she finished what she had to say, inviting them for the Halloween event and asking them to bring their children, Mr. Kavindi wrapped it up for her, and when he had finished there were a few weak, odd claps of hands. The crowd quickly dispersed, and Maven stepped down with the librarian, making their way back outside. However, barely after they had taken two steps away, a tall man, with dark skin and kind eyes clasped Mr. Kavindi’s shoulders, making him turn towards him. He smiled when he recognized the man, and the two of them began talking. 

Maven was sure that, if she stayed by his side, Mr. Kavindi would introduce her and include her in the conversation, and that’s the reason why she didn’t stay. She wasn’t in the mood for talking.

So she continued walking straight on, ready to grab her purse and go away, and she was nearly at the door to the back garden when she heard masculine voices talking.

“Are you kidding me? She really did that?” One of them asked, sounding moved.

There was a beat of silence before an answer. “Yes. It was weird behavior from her part, I never expected it from her. She always wanted to keep the baby a secret, at least until one of us had a stable job, you know? And now she’s using her against me. I really don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

Maven stopped straight on her tracks, her heart at her throat. Her fists closed as she recognized that voice, and she slowly turned to the circle of people nearby. Amidst them, she recognized some of her old high school classmates, Johanna’s mother (and how come, Maven wondered, she was just standing around and listening someone say these things about her daughter?), and of course, at the heart of the conversation, Torrin.

At this point in her life, Maven supposed she had already learned to stay out of trouble, to ignore the voices of people who only wanted to get others down and to continue on her own path with her chin up. But it wasn’t her they were insulting, it was _Johanna_. And, at this point in her life, she had already understood that her mind didn’t really use logic when it came to her.

The music wasn’t as loud as it had been before; they probably hadn’t turned it all the way up after their speech, so the group that hadn’t even noticed her before could clearly hear her when she spoke.

“Weird behavior? Really?” She said, firmly and with a sharp edge to her words. Those in the circle who had their backs to her turned to look at who had spoken, and those who hadn’t fixed their eyes on her. Johanna’s mother’s face soured even further. “That’s how you’re getting them to believe in something so wild that anyone can see that it _did not_ happen?!”

Torrin’s face began to melt into a scowl, but he schooled it into a look of annoyed disinterest before anyone could notice it. “What was that, Miss… Amarylis, isn’t it?”

“You’re telling a lie, and you know it!” She snapped, ignoring her mistaken name. “How could you betray Johanna like that? She trusted you!”

All he did was raise an eyebrow, along with a corner of his mouth. “If I’m lying, then what _is_ the truth?”

The question was like a bucket of cold water, putting out some of her impulsive anger. She was hit by the realization that she did not, in fact, know the truth. But hell, she knew _enough_. “I don’t know.” She admitted. “But I know who Johanna is, and I know who you are, and I _know_ you’re lying!”

Distracted by the situation as she was, she nearly jumped out of her skin when a gentle had touched her shoulder.

“Maven.” Mr. Kavindi whispered near her. “It’s not worth it. Whatever you do, they will twist it against you.”

And it was true. But instead of listening to him, she shouted. “I don’t give two fucks about what this idiot says about me, but I’ll be damned if I don’t stop him from doing this to Anna!”

Every person in the group was now frowning at her, no doubt thinking her mad. Torrin looked around them, a smile on his face showing that he liked what he saw; no one was going to stand up for her.

“Maven.” He called, taking a step towards her, and she shuddered at his use of her first name. “I know we never got on very well, but let me talk to you. You’re clearly being precocious, so let me tell you _my_ side of the story.”

“I don’t want to listen to anything you have to say.” Maven said, even though she knew she would have to. There was no escaping, not in front of these people.

“Mr. Librarian, I believe my father wanted to talk to you.” He said once he had gotten closer. Mr. Kavindi raised an eyebrow, but took a step back and began looking for the mayor anyway. Once her colleague had released his gentle hold on her, Torrin put a hand on her back and tried to lead her outside. She walked a step in front of him, so as not to be touched. 

She opened the doors and slipped outside, realizing with a start that she was alone with him once the doors closed behind him. But there was nothing she could do now.

“Now.” He said diplomatically. “I don’t know what Johanna told you, but you have to believe me when I say that _she was lying_.”

Maven squared her shoulders. “I don’t have to do anything!”

Torrin exhaled, the friendly façade falling down with his breath. He looked around, his mouths set on a thin line. “Then take this as a warning.”

She barely saw his fist coming, she only felt it colliding painfully with the side of her face, making her teeth clatter and her skull throb. She fell heavily upon the table behind her, glasses smashing under her weight and cutting her back. Then her body was pulled to the ground by gravity, where she lay hurt and confused.

Torrin was walking towards her again, probably to get her to leave by one of the exits that didn’t require coming back into the mansion, when the door opened again, and two people came in. As Mr. Kavindi saw her and ran to help, Torrin didn’t look worried at all. The other librarian was only just more creditable in the eyes of the town than she was. He could easily claim they were both lying, or had drunk too much and confused him with some other person at the party. But when he turned back to the door and saw the second person, which stood by it open mouthed and looked at Maven in horror, then she could see true fear in his eyes.

Standing at the edge of the garden with a slack jaw and unbelieving eyes, the last thing Maven saw before she felt a deep sleep claim her, was Johanna’s mother.

_#_#_#_

She truly didn’t know what she’d do without Mr. Kavindi, and what she would have done if he hadn’t been smart enough to stay close and watch Torrin go outside with her, following them when he heard the sound of her body hitting the table. She didn’t know what happened immediately after Kate had appeared; she had fainted for what apparently had been a few minutes, from what he had told her, but she imagined he had run. There was no way for him to lie himself out of this one, not when Kate had _seen_ it with her own eyes.

When she came back to herself, she was being carried through the poorly lit streets of her neighborhood, one arm across the librarian’s shoulders, his arm holding her waist, and another arm being supported by Johanna’s mother. When they noticed her blinking awake, they stopped to check on her again. She had some cuts in her back, and bruises on her head from the punch. The scratches she got from the fall completed the image.

There had been nothing they could do to help her in the middle of the pavement, of course, so they just kept on walking her home. It was a very silent walk, not only because Maven lacked the energy to talk, but because they all knew there was an outsider in their trio. Ironically, it was said outsider who broke the silence.

“Are you going to tell this to the police?” Kate asked, and even though Maven pretended not to notice it, she sounded worried for _him_.

She chuckled darkly, but stopped it as it made her head and back hurt more intensity. “No, I think I’ve had enough of being called a liar for today.”

After that, they were in silence until they arrived at Maven’s house (and thank the universe she’d once asked Mr. Kavindi over for tea and he still remembered the way, because Maven wasn’t in the right mind for giving directions at the moment.)

Mr. Kavindi knocked when they arrived, not wanting to make Maven look for the key in her current state. Kate looked surprised at that, not knowing that the young woman lived with anyone, so she was startled out of her mind when her own daughter answered. 

When Johanna opened the door, she stared slack jawed at her mother, but then the librarian cleared his throat, calling for her attention. Then she noticed Maven, and gasped loudly.

“What happened?!” She opened the door wider and stepped out of the way. Maven let her left arm fall from Kate’s shoulder, and let her colleague half carry her inside, to one of the sofas in the small living room. Johanna’s eyes followed them, horrified, but the shock kept her rooted in place. 

“She’s telling the truth.” Her mother told her, clearly confused by the words coming out of her mouth. Johanna looked at her, at how her face contorted as if she’d tasted something sour, fighting a battle inside herself.

She didn’t stay. She only uttered her daughter a ‘good night’ before she disappeared again, leaving Johanna finally able to move. She rushed to her friend’s side; the librarian was kneeling beside her on the floor, examining her back where she’d lifted her shirt. Johanna gasped once again as she saw the thin stream of blood running down the cuts there.

“Maven!” She got closer, her hands fluttering uselessly around as she tried to make sense of the situation. 

“I’m fine, Anna, don’t worry.” Maven said, at the same time Mr Kavindi asked her if she knew how to clean and bandage these wounds. She nodded, determination coming to her eyes as she ran away toward her room, coming back as quick as lightning with what looked like a first aid kit. 

Maven heard her spray something, and soon she put a wet piece of cotton on one of her cuts. Maven gasped and shifted away from it. It _stung_.

“Let her do this, Maven.” Mr. Kavindi said. “Or you might develop an infection.”

She clenched her jaw and took a deep breath, willing her body to be still as Johanna continued to apply the wet cotton and make soothing sounds. She felt a bit like a dog for it, but the sweet nonsense she was whispered did make her feel calmer.

“I’ll get her some water.” Kavindi said, getting up. It took him some time to find his way around the kitchen, but eventually he returned with a glass of water, which she emptied in big swallows, feeling it return some of her strength.

“What happened?” Johanna asked again, using a dry cotton to finish cleaning her wounds. She hadn’t found any pieces of glass in them: the librarian had taken the shards away when Maven was still unconscious, and held the blood flow with napkins from their table. 

“She was hit.” He answered calmly, sitting on the arm of the couch.

“By who?!”

Maven gave a small chuckle at her surprise. “Take a wild guess.”

Johanna lowered her hand, her brow furrowing. She wasn’t sure she wanted to understand.

Mr. Kavindi cleared his throat, raising his eyebrows at Maven when she looked at him. He knew she got snappish when she was tired. He didn’t want her to say anything she would regret, and she seemed to get the message.

“It was Torrin.” She said with a sigh.

A deep silence followed Johanna’s “oh” of surprise, until the librarian got up and said he didn’t think there was anything else he could do for her for now, but asked her to call him if she needed anything, and then left the two of them alone. 

“Maybe I should take a bath?” Maven said. “That should make me feel a little better.”

Johanna swallowed and nodded. “Yes, do that. Did you eat well at the party?”

Maven gestured negatively with her head.

“I’ll fix you some dinner, then. And then I’ll take a look at those scratches.”

_#_#_#_

_Willa was the last of the group to go away. Other four students had just left, two of them climbing into a car who belonged to a third, and the other had his car for himself. They had come for a study session, in order to try and help each other with the approaching finals. They were already starting their engines when Willa finished putting her stuff away in her backpack and hugged Johanna._

_“If you need help.” She whispered into her ear. “Call me. Or any of us. We can keep him away.”_

_Johanna hugged back, but frowned into her classmate’s ginger hair. Willa had made it clear, ever since she met Torrin for the first time, two meetings before, that she didn’t trust him. She’d voiced her concerns to Johanna before, but she’d always waved her off. Her worry seemed to build up, though, and not dissipate like she had thought it would the more she talked to him. And the thought of calling someone to keep her own husband away from her was laughable. They loved each other! He wouldn’t ever hurt her, of that she was sure._

_She drew back and gave Willa a smile. “I know you could, but I don’t need you to. I don’t _want_ you to. Trust me, it’s fine.”_

_Willa nodded and said her goodbyes, walking out of the cabin and climbing into her motorcycle, which she had parked near Johanna’s car (it had been a wedding gift from her parents!). She gave one last look to the bucolic house before driving away, lifting a cloud of dirt as she went._

_Johanna closed the door, not bothering to lock it; there was no danger to be found around their home. She turned around, heading for the coffee table at the center of the living room, where her text and notebooks were still scattered, but stopped when she realized Torrin was watching her from the door frame that led into the kitchen. He looked displeased, and she had no idea why. It unsettled her to no end._

_“Hey!” She chirped, wondering that maybe if she sounded cheerful enough his bad mood would go away. “I hadn’t seen you there.”_

_“I don’t like them.” He stated firmly, walking towards her at the same time she went in his direction._

_“Why not?” As soon as they were close enough, Johanna raised her hands to his arms, rubbing soothing circles through his shirt._

_“They don’t trust me. They don’t think I’m good enough for you.”_

_Johanna tried to break through the tense atmosphere with a chuckle. “They just don’t know you. If they spend a little more time with you, they’ll begin to see what a wonderful person you are. It took me some time as well, remember?”_

_He didn’t become any less tense with her words. Instead, he stared at her with an impenetrable gaze. “Johanna, they will try to get between us. We can’t _have_ that.”_

_Johanna looked down, gazing not at his eyes but at his chest. She thought she knew what to do to please him, but… she didn’t really want to do it. She was getting along smoothly with these people, she’d go as far as considering them friends. However, the last time she’d ignored her loved ones when they disapproved of a friend, she’d ended up hurt. Used._

_When she looked up into his face again, she could see that he was trying to tell her as much. That she didn’t really know when someone could be trusted or not, but _he_ did, and he was telling her that those friends didn’t mean well._

_Gods, how she hated this feeling of not being able to trust her judgment, to trust herself. But he had a point._

_“I… guess I can ask some other classmates to study with me.” She said reluctantly, and he finally, _finally_ smiled._

_“Thank you, baby. It makes me feel happy, you know? That you’re putting as much effort into our marriage as I am.”_

_Johanna mustered a smile for him as well, even though she didn’t really like the idea of walking away from relationships that were going well. But he had proven himself to be a better judge of character than she was. They would probably turn out to be jerks in the end, anyway._

_“Of course, Torrin.” She said as he closed her into an embrace. “Anything for us.”_

_#_#_#_

When Maven walked down the stairs, she looked and felt more put together. Her dirty clothes had been replaced by a cozy pajama, and the scent of soup lured her into the kitchen. She had expected to have to tell the whole story of how she got hurt, word by word, and she had been right. 

Although Maven felt a little flustered about having to say that it had happened because she’d been defending her (it sounded like the exact type of thing people said to gain other’s sympathy), she told the whole story like had been requested of her. Johanna was perfectly silent during her account, only her facial expressions giving away her feelings. In the end, the asked.

“My mother…?”

“I don’t know why she showed up, but she looked extremely startled. I think she followed us in order to defend Torrin.”

They stared at each other, and then Maven realized what she’d said: that Kate would defend Torrin rather than her own daughter.

“I’m sorry!” She said. “I didn’t mean to imply-“

“It’s okay.” Johanna cut her off gently. “I… I think you’re probably right.”

There was more silence. Their bowls were already empty, so they simply sat at the table, doing nothing and saying nothing. Johanna was staring at her hands with a thoughtful expression.

“I’m sorry.” She said, finally. “I’m just trying to make sense of things. I think I’m… finally beginning to understand.”

Maven blinked. “Understand what?”

Johanna didn’t look at her for a few more breaths, and then stared directly into her eyes. And oh, how they had changed in a matter of seconds. There was a new light to them, a clear recognition, like something had snapped inside her. Like she was the carefree and bold Anna again.

“You weren’t lying, were you? That day in Ericsonberg, when you told me he had tried to hurt you.”

Maven sucked in breath, secretly hurt by the question but trying not to show it. “Why the fuck would I lie?”

Johanna just looked into her eyes for heartbeats, and Maven realized there was fire burning behind them. She nodded.

“You like stories, right?”

Maven’s lips fell open. Of course she liked stories, she was a librarian for crying out loud. But she couldn’t see how this had anything to do with their current situation.

“I do.”

Johanna took a deep, fortifying breath, raising her head to the ceiling and rolling her shoulders back before looking at her again.

“Good. Because it’s past time I told you a few.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know that maybe Torrin is sounding like a cartoon villain, but consider this:  
This is a fanfic for a cartoon  
Good day


	12. It all comes crumbling down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for depictions of an emotionally abusive relationship.

_Her hands shook as she held the test in her hands. She hadn’t known what answer she even _wanted_ it to show, either would come with a measure of disappointment. But this surely was the most shocking result._

_The two blue lines stared back at her, her breathing labored. She had always wanted to be a mother, but she had always assumed it would come later, when she wasn’t in college and had a job of her own. This was too _fast_._

_She sat at the university’s bathroom stall for long minutes, her mind a turmoil of worries. But she told herself it would be _fine_. She had a good house and a loving husband, and even if she did take longer to complete her studies, he would still finish his in few years. In the meantime, their parents would continue to help them._

_It would be okay. This baby was a blessing, a little fruit of their love, which they would adore so much._

_“Hey, baby.” Johanna put a hand on her stomach, whispering gently not only not to be heard, but also to calm herself down. “I’m- I’m your mother. And I can’t wait to meet you.”_

_She still took longer to leave the bathroom, but eventually she figured that staying in there would achieve nothing. She left the college’s main building, walking to a less crowded area, where she wouldn’t have to worry about being overheard, and picked her phone from her backpack._

_It rang three times before he answered. Torrin didn’t have any lectures to attend on that afternoon, which had allowed him to leave town and spend some hours in Trolberg; his father apparently wanted his input on some decisions._

_“Babe?”_

_“Torrin, I need to tell you something.” She said, her voice wavering. There was a nervous feeling coiling in the pit of her stomach, making it hard to get the words out._

_“Is everything okay?” _

_“Yes, everything is wonderful.” She took a deep breath, looking at all the other people around her going about their days. How odd, that this was such a normal day for everyone else when for her it was the most life changing moment she would ever experienced. “I’m pregnant. We’re having a baby.”_

_It was the first time she said the words out loud. It began feeling more real, and even though it was daunting, she couldn’t help the smile spreading over her face. However, it began to wilt as the silence on the other end of the line extended itself._

_“Torrin?”_

_“That’s…” He found his voice, sounding like he had been startled, which he probably had. “That’s amazing, Jo. Truly.”_

_There was more silence, and she could hear him breathing heavily in the other end of the line. “I’ll be home by six. We can talk more about it, okay? I love you.”_

_Johanna sighed, a small part of her that was afraid he wouldn’t take the news well being silenced. “I love you too.”_

_#_#_#_

_Everything was _not_ wonderful. How had he been so stupid? He knew better than this. And the time couldn’t be worse. With his father on the town hall and the plans for his re-election going, they could not afford any wearing down to the family’s reputation, certainly not the type that would come with the baby. Best case scenario, he would be expected to turn his full attention to the child, and maybe even move back to town where everyone could control his life. Worst case scenario, the city would frown on a pregnancy when neither of them had stable jobs and question the mayor’s support of two irresponsible young adults._

_No, no. That couldn’t happen._

_As soon as he turned off his phone, he looked at his father, who was staring at him from across the table with a raised eyebrow. He explained the situation, earning a wearing sigh from his father._

_“Oh, Torrin, of all the irresponsible…”_

_They both agreed that this child should remain a secret, at least until his second mandate was over and his party chose someone else to compete for the town hall. By then, he would be older and have a job, and a child would only help his image. They could make something up about “raising the child in a bigger city to expand its horizons”. This could work if they were careful._

_There was only one little thing he needed to be careful about before anything else._

_#_#_#_

_He made sure to look both weary and happy when Johanna opened the door. She practically leapt at him with one of her too tight hugs, and dragged him inside to the living room, where she’d already made them tea. _

_They talked and eventually decided that she’d put college on hold when the due date approached. He asked that she made her doctor appointments at Ericsonberg, seeing as the doctors there were usually more qualified (“no offense to your mother, of course”) and she readily agreed. _

_The point in the conversation that he had been waiting for came when she put her cup down, tea all gone. She said she’d like to tell her parents about this face to face._

_He froze in his seat, made his eyes widen. She noticed, of course, and furrowed her brow._

_“What’s wrong?” She asked, innocent as always._

_“I’m sorry, Jo. I… hadn’t realized you’d want to tell them yourself. You know, since I was already at Trolberg...”_

_“Oh!” There was disappointment on her face, but no sadness. “Well, they didn’t call me. That’s weird.”_

_He looked down, his leg bouncing up and down as it did when he was anxious. He cleared his throat. “They weren’t happy, babe. At all.”_

_He flickered his gaze to her when he heard her draw in breath, and then brought it back down. “They didn’t like that it happened so soon. They said you’re too young and that we were irresponsible. I’m so sorry, Johanna, I don’t think they want to see you anymore.”_

_“W-what?” There were tears in her eyes as she stuttered. He hadn’t meant to make her miserable, of course. He was not a cruel man, to make his wife be estranged from her family because he liked the idea. But it was what was _necessary_, and by the time she learned the truth, she’d surely forgive him._

_He kept on looking at her, all sad eyes and furrowed brow, as she got up from the sofa and her gaze bounced around, looking like a caged animal even though there was no sort of threat nearby. She reached for her cellphone, which had been lying on the coffee table._

_“I need to call them.” She muttered, still trying to keep her tears at bay._

_“No.” He said firmly, extending his arm to grab her wrist. “Don’t, Jo. It will achieve nothing more than making you sad. The stress isn’t good for neither you or the baby. _please_.”_

_She drew her hand back slowly, and he let go of her. She swallowed, looking directly at his eyes, and sat back, looking resigned before the tears finally came in full strength a moment later._

_Torrin took the seat closest to her, and held her while she wept, making cooing noises. But despite his wife’s state, a scandal had been avoided that night. He couldn’t bring himself to regret anything._

_#_#_#_

_Torrin had been acting strange. _

_It had began a few days before. He’d been receiving many calls to the landline, and he always insisted on picking up. More often than not, after these calls he’d leave in a hurry, saying his father needed him for something. Johanna knew he was trying to get experience in order to join the world of politics when he was old enough, but still, something must be happening for him to be leaving so often. It didn’t help matters that he seemed to be constantly tense, either._

_It was making her anxious. She had a hard time focusing on the motherhood books she’d bought in Ericsonberg, and she couldn’t even gather the concentration to draw. Most of the time, she’d simply stare out of the window, her mind working hard to try and make sense of what could be going on._

_So one day, when he received the call, the temptation was too hard to ignore. While he picked it up in the living room, she tip toed to their bedroom, which had a second landline. She knew she shouldn’t be doing this, and she stared the phone for long seconds before picking it up, biting her lip while her hand opened and closed around the phone._

_But regardless of what was right, she had to know where she stood. His actions led her to believe something terrible, that she didn’t want to think him capable of. They made her believe that she was not the only woman in his life, and with their child so close to arriving, that was a doubt she couldn’t afford._

_When she did bring it to her ear, the voice on the other side wasn’t of anyone she knew, and the terms used were confusing to her. But at least it wasn’t feminine. They were too technical, too veiled. They gave her the impression that anyone who shouldn’t be listening to that conversation wouldn’t understand it. But she had read a thing or two about politics, as she had figured she should before joining a family of them, and came to the startling realization that this is what they were talking about. As her hearing adjusted itself to the call, her brain began to catch up, leaving her horrified._

_How selfish had it been if her to think an affair was the worst that could happen._

_The strange voice, the one that didn’t belong to her husband, seethed with a veiled kind of anger, and Torrin’s words spit venom right back. All this behind polite phrasing and friendly façade, like two snakes circling each other, hissing at one another over a helpless mouse._

_She sat on the bed, hand over her nose and mouth to muffle the sound of her heavy breathing. She truly hoped, in that moment, that she didn’t understand any of what they said, but she did: they spoke of corruptions and schemes and things that no honorable person should talk about._

_Torrin had mentioned the new road that was being built to connect Trolberg to Sandefjord more easily, and she realized that this is what they were discussing. The voice she didn’t recognize was that of the head of the construction company that was in charge of the job, she figured after a minute or two of listening to them._

_There was dirt involved in the job. Even from the little she knew, she understood that there was money laundering, that the contractors were using more of the people’s money to build the road than was needed. And she understood that her husband was fighting for his part of it._

_Most of the call, they tried to discuss the percentages that would remain with the contractor and those that would go to the Avens. She could practically hear Torrin grind his teeth in anger. She heard the call for a few more minutes, and the man she didn’t know seemed to be winning. He had a very useful card to play, after all._

__“Remember who helped you on important times, Mr. Aven. And that your father may need help again very soon.”__

_That seemed to make Torrin remember his place, and Johanna put the phone down, not bearing to listen to it any longer. As if it wasn’t bad enough already, there were also kickbacks involved._

_The ran her hands through her hair, lifting her legs to put her feet on the edge of the bed, hugging her knees as best as she could with her round belly. This wasn’t _right._ This was not her husband, it couldn’t be. He had changed for her, had said so himself many times, so he couldn’t possibly be involved in things so terrible that not even the person he had been _before_ would do._

_She had to confront him about it. She had to say she could not stand by this, living knowing that maybe the money they used to buy their daughter toys had come from the taxes of a family that could need it more. But what could she do? Jobless, without parents to stand by her, and with his child on the way, she had no leverage._

_And _hell,_ she shouldn’t need leverage! He was her husband, her best friend, her prince, should he not do what she asked out of love? That’s what she’d been doing, what he’d asked her to do, saying that he would always do the same. But she wasn’t so sure of that anymore._

_#_#_#_

_She hadn’t had any choice about whether or not a confrontation would happen, in the end. Torrin had noticed her constant shifting in her chair when they had dinner, and how she wouldn’t meet his gaze, and asked her about it. She could have lied, of course, but it felt terrible to lie to him._

_When she told him, he got up from the table abruptly, making the glasses and cutlery rattle on the table. He looked at her with such intense anger that she drew in on herself, trying to make herself as small as possible. He shouted at her, saying that she should never, _ever_ try to put her nose on his business, saying that she had completely broken his trust, that she wasn’t who he thought she was. _

_Tears stinging at her eyes, she tried to make an objection, begging him to understand that what he was doing was _wrong_. His chest still heaving, he interrupted her with an angry voice. _

_“All I’m doing, I’m doing for you! For our daughter! How can you be so selfish as not to see that?!”_

_This shut her up. She wished she could argue, could raise her chin and speak her mind, but that never went well with him. It always made him angrier, and she hated it when he was angry at her. She just wanted him to stop shouting and forget she had said anything._

_Before he calmed down, though, he went on about how it felt like he didn’t know her anymore. The tense atmosphere continued all through dinner and extended itself through their evening, still lingering while they readied themselves for bed._

_“I’ll sleep in the spare room.” He said coldly while he gathered a blanket in his arms. The spare room had been turned into a nursery, but there was still a bed in it for when someone needed to sleep in the same room as the baby. _

_“No! I mean, you really don’t have to.” She creased her brows, looking at him while her heart felt heavy inside her chest. She would truly loathe to see him go away from his own room because of something she did._

_“No, no. I’ll spare you from having to sleep near me.” His tone was sarcastic as he walked to the door without looking back. “Since I’m such a _horrible_ person.”_

_Johanna stifled back a sob, watching the door close behind him. She was left feeling guiltier than she ever had in her life._

_#_#_#_

_She was standing in front of the sink as she texted Lucy._

_The bathroom was the only place where she felt like she wasn’t being watched these days. Ever since she had discovered those things about her husband, he began to look at her the wrong way every time she picked up her phone, no doubt worried that she’d tell someone about it, even after he’d made her assure she wouldn’t. He wasn’t in the house at that moment, but she wasn’t alone either._

_His father had hired a nurse to stay with her in those last few weeks of the pregnancy, to help in case Torrin wasn’t home to drive her to the hospital when her water broke. But Johanna knew there was another reason why she was here. She knew that she was here to tell her father in law of anything she did that could be considered a threat to the Aven family. And it was driving her _mad_. What did they think she’d do? Pull a Lady Diana on them? _

_She had nowhere to go, no one to help her beside them, so why even bother to have her watched over? It made her feel nauseous, and most of all it made her remember when she was eighteen and her parents wouldn’t stop following her around or prohibiting her from going places, but that phase was _over_. She’d rid herself of who they claimed was the problem, she became friends with people they approved, she dated the guy they wanted her to date. But now it was happening _again_ and she hated it._

_So now she was texting her friend locked inside the bathroom. Lucy was one of the only friends she had left. After she’d walked away from her friends at Ericsonberg, she’d had a hard time finding people she got along with as well as them. _

_Not to say she really got along with Lucy. They had practically nothing in common, but she was someone Johanna knew for a very long time. She was simple, easy to understand. Easy to talk to._

_And she desperately needed to talk to someone. The things she now knew were bubbling up inside her, and she was afraid she burst without someone to counsel her. She hadn’t told Lucy exactly what happened, of course, just that she had found out something terrible about Torrin. After being assured that he hadn’t hit her or cheated, Lucy texted:_

__”Well, than he didn’t really do anything against you.”

“I suppose you’re right.”_ She admitted reluctantly._

__”Come on, Jo! Stop fussing over it, then. It must be exiting, knowing that he’s capable of something bad but treats you well. Give him another chance.”__

_She stared at the phone screen for a long time. She didn’t know what she had wanted Lucy to answer, but she had expected her friend to side with her, to not brush her concern off like it was nothing._

_She put her phone in her pocket and and left the bathroom, but not before flushing the toilet to make it more believable in case the nurse was listening. She tried to convince herself that Lucy was right. That’s what she had first seen in him, wasn’t it? The thrill of being adored by someone who had done questionable things in the past, of reforming a monster._

_She tried to convince herself, over and over and over, that the monster hadn’t turned on her.___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tfw the knowledge you got from living in a country with a corrupt government finally can be put to good use
> 
> Also, I made a playlist for this fic! Here’s the link https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7HyfxVMKAbTDcEMrh8jn0h?si=cIE9U8WHT7qjVtNuMuEXQg
> 
> The song in there that best fits this chapter is Jekyll & Hyde, if you want to give it a try


	13. Out in the open

_There was absolutely no way, Johanna told herself in order to calm her frazzled nerves and thumping heart, that her parents wouldn’t fall in love with Hilda. True, they had all but disowned her, but they didn’t even get the chance to talk about it! It had been more than a year before, and now her baby was already smiling and mumbling adorable sounds, and goodness, Johanna missed them! They hadn’t been the best parents in the world, not by far, but that didn’t mean she was okay with being estranged from them._

_She knew Torrin wouldn’t approve of her trying to call her parents, so she’d waited for when he’d gone away to college, having Hilda as her only company, to make the contact. The phone rang one, two, three times, until it fell on voicemail._

_She took her cell phone away from her ear, looking at her dad’s number on the screen. She could try to call her mother, but she didn’t think she had the energy for that. It was something that should be done face to face, anyway. Still, she felt a pang of disappointed that she hadn’t been able to talk to them, but also a relief of some sort. Every day she felt her disposition to argue and defend herself wane more and more._

_Her phone left in the bedside table, Johanna got up from the bed and picked Hilda up from the playpen they had put in their room. Maybe she should take her outside for a while. She had a feeling they could both use the fresh air._

_#_#_#_

_Torrin was in a good mood that day. He had kissed her when he arrived from Ericsonberg, and now, after eating his dinner, he was even playing with Hilda. Not to say he was a cruel father, or anything of the sort. He just seemed to feel more comfortable letting Johanna take the lead in their child’s life._

_It was a perfect opportunity. And yet, she still felt her legs tremble and her voice failed as she walked closer to him. He was sitting on the sofa with Hilda in his arms, waving a stuffed animal around in front of her face. As soon as she saw Johanna coming, however, she began to make distressful sounds and wiggle in Torrin’s hold._

_He looked at her, giving her a lopsided smile. “I think she wants you, Jo.”_

_Johanna was all too happy to hold her baby. It gave her something to focus on something other than the anxiety of having to ask her husband for something she knew he wouldn’t want. But when she looked into Hilda’s eyes, she could almost pretend everything was okay._

_“Torrin, I need your help with something.”_

_“Sure, what is it?”_

_She took a deep breath, focusing on how calm Hilda looked now. “I want to talk to my parents. To try to… fix things between us. It’s been long enough that they might have changed their minds, and I wanted to visit them. If you could just watch over Hilda while-“_

_“No.” He cut her, and she looked up to find him looking at her with anger, and, dare she say it, fear as well. “I don’t want you running off to talk to them.”_

_Long seconds went by, during which she could do nothing but stare into his eyes. “Why?”_

_Her soft question had him in a nervous state. He got up, running his hands through his hair, and began pacing in front of the fire. “Because they’ll hurt you! They’ve made it perfectly clear that they don’t want anything to do with you anymore, and I don’t want you to have to hear this from them!”_

_Her experience with him told her it was better to allow herself to be subdued before he got more agitated. It was what she would have done, but she felt something inside her burn, like an ash that had been cooled down smothering back to life. A ghost voice in her brain, a memory of a laughter that carried on the wind and eyes that looked like stars._

__”You may think I overreact, Anna, but I’m not letting him talk like this to me. You wouldn’t either, if you were in this situation.__

_Johanna couldn’t remember what exactly had happened that day, but she remembered she had agreed with Maven in the end. She’d never let _anyone_ talk like that to her. So why was she allowing this now?_

_“Don’t…” she began wondering if it was really worth it to pick this fight. “Don’t tell me to do with my relationships. You’re my husband, and I know you love me, but you can’t try to protect me from heartbreak like this. I am free to care for whoever I want, even if it may hurt in the end.”_

_“What?!” He turned to her, his pacing stopped abruptly. Johanna got up on instinct, hugging Hilda closer. _

_“We’re married but you do not own me! I’m tired of people telling me who I have to be and who I have to love! I want to give my parents another chance, Torrin! Why can’t you support me on this?”_

_“Because they can’t _know_!” _

_Johanna twisted her body so as to not have Hilda in front of herself as Torrin picked up the fireplace poker and, in a fit of anger, brought it down on the couch. She had already seen him breaking things when he was drunk, but she must have made him truly furious for him to do something like this while sober._

_This had not been what had surprised her, though. The sound of fabric being ripped apart merged with his grunts, Hilda’s cries as she was disturbed by their raised voices, and Johanna’s own heart beating on her head, making her wonder if she’d heard him right._

_Her parents couldn’t _know?__

_When he stopped hitting the couch, most of his anger gone, he dropped the poker to the ground with a muttered “sorry”, and then looked at his wife’s horrified gaze._

_“I reckon I shouldn’t have exploded like-“_

_“What do you mean?!” She was the one to cut him off this time. “What do you mean they can’t know? You- you said you had told them!”_

_His eyes widened, his body perfectly still as he realized what he’d let slip during his anger. And, most of all, he realized that he wouldn’t be able to convince his wife that it had been a mere confusion of his anger addled mind._

_“Babe… it was the best at that time. Please, I beg you to understand, everything I do, I do-“_

_“For yourself!” She all but screamed, slowly walking backwards. She couldn’t believe this. This was not supposed to happen. She had already come to the painful realization that he was not the good man she had believed he was, but she had believed, _he had convinced her_ that she was the light in his life, the one person he would never, ever hurt. _

_And yet, it seemed he _had_ turned on her._

_Realizing he had to change tactics, he forced his eyes to tear up, his face merging into a pitiful expression. “_Please_, Jo. I- I love you!”_

_Johanna’s breathing was coming quicker now, and everything that had happened during their marriage began to fall into place._

_She had been manipulated again._

_She broke into a run, extremely mindful of Hilda, and climbed up the stairs as fast as her legs would carry her. Torrin’s steps could be heard behind her, but she hurriedly opened the door to their room and locked him out, the sound of the lock closing the wooden door feeling like a sweet melody to her._

_Her chest was heaving as Torrin banged on the door from the outside. He was shouting about how he loved them, and how there was a reason for everything he did, although very curiously he never said what this reason was. He groveled and begged for forgiveness, but it was not going to come as easily this time._

_Doing her best to ignore everything that was coming from his mouth, Johanna calmed Hilda down, entering the bathroom and closing the door, so that it would be completely silent. As soon as the baby had stopped crying and whimpering, she walked back into the room. Though Torrin hadn’t gone away, Hilda didn’t seem to mind his voice anymore._

_Johanna pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, the only person in this world she had never doubted, and set her on the playpen by the window. With that done, she got moving. Her old suitcases were taken out of the closet, and quickly filled with all her most important belongings._

_Maybe she would forgive him. Maybe she would find a good explanation for his actions after all, and maybe she’d come back and continue to live here. But she needed to be ready for the worst outcome._

_As she filled her suitcases with clothes, her hope began to flare. If he had lied, than that meant her parents still loved her! She’d be welcomed in their home, and they’d help her overcome this._

_But then, if they hadn’t disowned her, why hadn’t they called her? Had something happened to them? Maybe, she thought as Torrin finally stopped his spewing of nonsense, he had lied to them too._

_Given what she now knew about him, it sounded awfully likely. Thank goodness now she’d be able to explain everything to them, and surely they’d stick with her. But would they listen to her for long enough that she’d be able to clear the waters? They hadn’t really trusted her in a long time. No, she’d have to talk to them, but she wouldn’t be able to rely on them, at least not at first._

_That made things significantly more difficult._

_From the other side of the door, Torrin apologized once again, but she heard him getting up from where he had been sitting on the floor. He said he had to go back to Trolberg in order to help his father with something, but they would talk more about this when he came back tomorrow._

__Not likely,_ Johanna though as she closed her first suitcase. When she heard his car start running, she went to the window to watch it going away, waiting until it disappeared on the road to unlock the door and make a run for Hilda’s nursery. She filled her smaller suitcases with her daughter’s things, as well as a bag that they had bought with Hilda’s name on it. The crib would have to stay: she had no idea how to disassemble the thing, but at least the stroller was foldable. _

_In few hours, she had put a good chunk of their belongings on suitcases. When she tried to leave with the first one, however, she found that the front door was _locked_. She gasped at it, astounded by Torrin’s disrespect for her. _

_A few deep breaths later, she told herself that maybe he had locked it on impulse, he hadn’t meant to trap her. But then she looked at the little table they kept beside the door and felt like screaming in frustration. He had taken away her key._

_Johanna tested the two other doors on the house, finding them both locked as well. No matter. She still remembered a few tricks the Girl Scouts had taught her._

_It had been years since she’d picked a lock, so it did take her a while to get it right, every second she took making her feel more anxious. He could come at any time now, and his outburst earlier made her realize that, if he did get violent with her, there was nothing she could do. No other houses nearby, no one would hear her if she shouted. _

_She had once thought it was ridiculous to even imagine him being anything than a complete gentleman to her, but with the truth out in the open, she wasn’t so sure anymore. She eventually got the job done, and began filling her car with their things. Fortunately, he hadn’t remembered to take her car keys._

_She buckled Hilda to the baby seat when she was through, and then went back into the cabin for one last thing: the playpen that remained on their room, where Hilda had happily waited while her mother got everything ready for them to go away, blissfully unaware of anything that was going on around her. It was far easier to disassemble than the more sturdy one that they had put on her nursery, so it would have to do._

_Johanna started the engine, and the little blue car came awake. She took breath after breath making herself ready for what came next, even though she she didn’t really know what that was. There was only one thing that felt wrong, and she had to get rid of it._

_The golden ring on her finger seemed to mock her with its shine and extravagance. She had once thought the big ruby at the center of it gorgeous, but now it’s colour looked dark and suffocating to her. She slid the ring off of her finger and put it in the glove compartment._

_Going to Trolberg right away would be a mistake. He would be there, and that wouldn’t help her at all. She’d spend the night, and maybe some of the next day in a hotel in a city nearby, take the chance to rest and regroup her thoughts. Then she’d focus on getting her life together._

_She didn’t know exactly what came next, but it had to be better than what she was leaving behind._

_#_#_#_

“And then… well, then the next day I found you. And now we’re here.”

Johanna finished her story on that note, and now that it was all out, it felt like the weight of a whole galaxy had been lifted off of her shoulders. She had been willing to tell this story ever since her second day in Trolberg, when she had gone to her parents, hoping to be reunited with them at last only to have that blow up on her face as they sided with her husband. But what she hadn’t realized was that, up until tonight, she hadn’t been ready to tell it.

She had been thinking that this story had began with their marriage, and that it had mimicked Johanna’s relationship with Maven. She had thought that those were two separate episodes of her life, both ending up with her bruised and manipulated, but tonight her mother had shown her the missing piece of the puzzle.

_”She’s telling the truth”_, her mother had said, clearly hating every syllable. _”She’s telling the truth”_, she had said, but her eyes told even more. 

_”She’s telling the truth”_. The sentence had rung over her head repeatedly as she helped Maven clear her cuts. Her mother had looked way too stricken for someone who was only admitting that another person was honest.

No. Not only had her mother told her that Maven had been telling the truth, but that _she’d been lying_. Maven was right, her mother had stepped outside the party that night to defend Torrin, because that’s what she’d been doing _all along_. 

The story of her high school heartbreak and her current one were not separate. They were one and the same, beginning when she was eighteen and escalating until the present moment. It was one long, tragic tale, and now she could finally, _finally_ see that Maven was not the villain in it. Not on purpose, not on accident: she was one of the victims as well.

Johanna didn’t even have to look up to know that Maven looked horrified, but she did anyway. Her mouth was hanging open, and her brow was creased. Tears had left wet trails on her face. 

“Oh, Anna.” Maven whispered, and Johanna took her hand, which was lying on top of the table, lacing their fingers together. “That’s horrible.”

“I know.” She sighed, running her thumb over the back of Maven’s hand. Gods, she’d missed Maven so much! She hadn’t allowed herself to truly be in her presence ever since that fateful night when her father dragged her to the mayor’s party. Now that she was sure she could do it again, simply let herself go and enjoy the happiness of being with this woman, she remembered just how addictive it was.

“Are you going to tell the police? About the things you found out?”

Johanna shrugged. “I probably should, shouldn’t I? But I don’t think I will, at least not yet. I need to sort out my own life first, and well… I have no proof.”

Instinctively tightening her grip on Johanna’s hand, Maven nodded, understanding the situation. A wave of silence fell over them. Maven had no idea of what she could say to that confession. She could say ‘I’m sorry’, but that felt hollow and meaningless. Sorry wouldn’t fix what had been done to her. Besides, she was not the one who had to apologize to Johanna.

“Hey!” She said suddenly, and Maven looked up at her face. She hadn’t even realized that her gaze had fallen to their joined hands. “We still have to take a look at your scratches, don’t we?”

Maven nodded, taken aback by the sudden change of subject. She let Johanna lead her to the couch, where she sat beside her. She had washed the scratches in the shower, but she supposed Johanna would want to check on them. Maybe use more of that medicine to help them heal faster. 

The first aid kit was still on the coffee table, and Johanna sprayed a substance on a piece of cotton again. She gasped softly when she lifted the sleeve of Maven’s pajama top: more worrying than the scratches, she had began to bruise, and they were already looking ghastly.

As there was little she could do about it, Johanna resigned herself to simply pressing the cotton against the scratches as softly as she could. The cold sensation made Maven’s skin tingle, but it didn’t bother her this time. Itself amazing to have Johanna fuss over her, and even though it was quite a selfish sentiment, she couldn’t seem to help it.

When she had done all she could with her arm, Johanna lowered her sleeve down, and gently asked if she could lift the hem of the shirt in order to see Maven’s side. Permission granted, Johanna continued to gingerly tap the cotton to the scratches.

“Why did you do it?” Maven asked, the words flying out of her mouth before she could think about them, or even allow them to be spoken. Johanna’s closeness was intoxicating, and she blamed her carelessness on it. “Why did you tell me all these things?”

Johanna took her hand away and sat back, searching Maven’s face for something. Maven immediately missed the contact, little as it had been, but continued speaking anyway. There was no coming back now that the words were out.

“That day we fought.” She said, a wave of drowsiness overtaking her despite the tense situation. It had been a long day, and despite everything, being near Johanna was a powerful tranquilizer. “You said some things… it didn’t sound like you trusted me very much.”

“I know what I said that night.” She sighed and raised her hand to Maven’s face, running her fingers through the strands of silky hair that had fallen over her face with the way she leaned her head against the couch. “I even believed what I said that night. But not anymore.”

Unable to resist, Maven leaned her head against Johanna’s hand, looking much like a cat after affection. “What changed?”

When Johanna didn’t answer, Maven opened her eyes, which she hadn’t realized she had closed, and met her troubled gaze.

“My mother.” She said. “For weeks I had been coming to this conclusion, but it all clicked into place tonight. All this time, my parents have been doing their best to assure my happiness. But they wouldn’t let me choose what that meant. They decided that it was Torrin and stuck to that. They’ve been doing all they could to get me to be with him and to protect him, and… this night she realized what a mistake it has been. And that made me realize that none of what they told me about you is honest or reliable. They had been doing it to help their agenda all along”

Maven blinked. If not for the stinging sensation of her wounds, she’d suspect she was dreaming. Or that she’d died and gone to heaven, a very peculiar heaven where she was told exactly what she wanted to hear. 

“Then whose opinion about me is reliable, would you say?” She said it half jokingly and half seriously, smiling as she felt Johanna’s hand on her scalp.

The woman returned her smile, though Maven would say Johanna’s was ten times brighter. Her happiness had always left her with the feeling that it could light up a whole world, and she was thrilled to be the cause of it. “I will be trusting my own judgement from now on, thank you very much.”

It could be just Maven’s tired mind, but it did seem like Johanna was leaning closer. “And what does your judgment say?”

Her whispered words were taken right out of her mouth as their lips met. They both exhaled deeply, almost a sigh of relief. Johanna’s hand tangled itself more tightly into Maven’s hair, and Maven put her left hand on Johanna’s shoulder, fingers caressing her collarbone. After so long apart, not only physically but emotionally, the kiss felt like coming home after a long, painful journey.

Unfortunately, they soon needed to draw back to breathe, and when they did, they looked into each other’s eyes with equal measures of wonderment and surprise. Though Johanna had been the one to begin the kiss, she couldn’t say she’d done it out of anything other than pure instinct and need. It was not at all the best time for her to get involved with someone again. Still, she definitely couldn’t say she regretted it. Especially not when Maven was looking at her like she was the most wonderful thing in the world.

“We should go to sleep.” She said, even when she couldn’t tear her eyes away from Maven and her voice was husky with emotion. Maven nodded.

“We still have a lot to talk about, don’t we?”

“We do.” Johanna leaned in again, pressing a kiss to Maven’s forehead this time. “But it’s going to be okay.”

It was all going to be okay. The truth was out now, and there would be no secrets between them. There was no way to go but up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, please read this. THIS IS NOT HOW THINGS GO IN REAL LIFE. If someone is stuck in an abusive relationship, where the other person has emotional and economic power over them, they most likely won’t just get upset, remember an old friend and snap. People usually need support from loved ones and even therapy to get out of these situations. Johanna’s escape only happened like this because this is fic.
> 
> I just really don’t want anyone thinking that I agree with the whole “well if they’re suffering why don’t they just leave 🤪” narrative, okay?


	14. The mistakes we made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The flashbacks in this chapter happen pretty much immediately after the ones in chapter 11, so you might want to read it again. Or not, it’s not really crucial to the understanding of this chapter.  
Anyway... this is it guys... The Talk. I hope it lives up to what you were expecting.

_The wind made Maven’s hair sway as she picked a key from her skirt’s pocket. It was a chilly Saturday night, and Mr. Kavindi had asked if she could work for three more hours today, in order for him to go home early and be with his wife on their anniversary. She had accepted, of course, not only because she was very fond of him, but also because she could use the money._

_As soon as she had finished locking up the library’s doors, she turned around and saw a woman running up the long white stairs, and she sighed._

_“Sorry, we’re closed for today.” The woman coming towards her had flowing red hair and a strong jaw. As she climbed the last step, Maven noticed she was taller than average. She wasn’t from Trolberg, which made her wonder what had happened for her to end up there. At the same time, Maven had the impression of having seen her before._

_“Do you work here?” The quick climb ought to have made her breathless, but it seemed like her determination was bigger than her exhaustion._

_Maven lifted an eyebrow and crossed her arms, wondering what other explanation the woman had for her having the keys to the library. “I do.”_

_“And you know Johanna, right?”_

_The question hit her like a blow to the chest, making her blink in surprise and step back. Ever since she’d seen her being driven away from the town, cheered on by all her friends, Maven had tried her damnest not to think about Johanna. And now this._

_“Why do you want to know?”_

_Taking this as a yes, the woman took a step closer. She’d only seen the librarian once before, and only briefly, but it was enough to remember that this is who she wanted to talk to. “She’s my friend. We began talking at college, but now she’s suddenly stopped talking to me.”_

_The librarian stared at her for a beat before snorting. “Well, it does seem like she’s making a habit out of it.”_

_Not wanting to talk about Johanna to anyone, much less a complete stranger, Maven began walking down the stairs, hoping that the redhead would have the sense to understand that she wasn’t in the mood for chatting. No such luck._

_“Please, I really want your opinion on this!”_

_“I truly don’t know what makes you think I even can help.”_

_Even though this woman was taller, she had difficulty keeping up with Maven’s large strides. “Johanna introduced me to one of her friends. Maybe you know her, she’s called Lucy.”_

_Maven scrunched her nose. Lucy had always been somewhat close to Johanna, so of course she knew her. She just wasn’t particularly fond of her._

_“Well, she mentioned you when Johanna was distracted with something else. Said you were a former friend that worked in the library or something along those lines.”_

_When they were at the base of the stairs, Maven stopped and turned to the woman. “If Lucy was your source of information about me, you must be here because you hate me. I am, unfortunately, a very busy woman, so please schedule an appointment with my secretary so I can make some time to hear your complaints about my disgusting personality. Have a good night.”_

_“Oh, come on!” The woman moaned in the face of her sarcasm. “Just hear me out for one second! Lucy is how I knew where to look for you, but I know about your friendship with Johanna because she told me so.”_

_“My statement about scheduling some time to yell at me remains.”_

_“You are a smart one, aren’t you?!” She snapped. “Just answer me one question, then I know if you’ll be able to help me.”_

_Intrigued, the librarian nodded. It wouldn’t hurt to arrive home five minutes later, and she supposed she could give this woman the benefit of the doubt._

_After taking a deep breath, the woman asked. “What do you think of Torrin?” _

_The sound Maven made could only be described as one of pure disgust. “He’s awful. He’s fake and entitled and cares about no one. Why?”_

_A smile slowly bloomed in the woman’s face, and she suddenly threw her hands up. “Oh, man!” She exclaimed. “I could kiss you right now!”_

_Not used to having someone agree with her about Torrin, Maven’s mind took a few moments to register the situation. “Don’t take me wrong, you’re a very pretty woman.” She said when she came back to herself. “But I’d rather you didn’t.”_

_The woman rolled her eyes. “You’re like, the first person who agrees with me. Ever since I’ve met the guy, I didn’t get a good feeling about this. Last time I was in their house, he kept staring at me like he wanted to murder me, it was so _creepy_. But the Lucy girl said I was imagining things, and I was just at Johanna’s parents’ house and they told me to stay out of this!”_

_“You tracked down her parents too? With all due respect, that’s very scary.”_

_“You were the only remaining option. Of people who knew her before, you know? If you said there was nothing wrong with him as well, I’d just give up and admit that I’m paranoid, but seems like I’m not!”_

_This woman’s enthusiasm and determination were somewhat entertaining to Maven, even though the topic was upsetting. She thought she’d have a good time if she ever sat down to talk to her about something else._

_“I can guarantee that you’re right about him, Miss…?” She let the question hang in the air, hoping she’d grant the information._

_“Willa. Willa Sandalwood.”_

_Willa extended her hand and Maven shook it. Her hand was large and calloused, making Maven assume she had a hobby that went beyond graphic design. Maybe something athletic or crafty._

_“Willa, Johanna has made her choice. You can rest assured that she knew about all the problems with her current husband. She has simply decided to ignore it, even if I’ll have to agree with you and say she shouldn’t have. She’s chosen her path, and there’s nothing we can do.”_

_Willa looked down at her feet, her brow furrowed in thought. When she looked up again, she gave the librarian a smile. “Would you mind if we talked about this some more? I’ll even pay you tea if you want to.”_

_If the chance for getting information, even if just a little, about Johanna’s current situation hadn’t already made her make up her mind, the promise of tea would have. “Alright. I know a nice place”_

_“Cool!” Walking to the sidewalk, she gently tapped the seat of a red and black motorcycle that had been parked right in front of the library. “Can I give you a ride?”_

_Maven lifted her eyebrows. “I’m not climbing into a stranger’s motorcycle.”_

_“Oh.” She looked at the motorcycle with her brows creased, as if she hadn’t thought of that. “That’s understandable. Is it safe to leave it here for me to come back for it later?”_

_“Sure.” _

_They walked together as Maven led them to the Poet’s Retreat. Just as they turned a corner, she spoke up again, getting genuinely caught up in the conversation._

_“So, you don’t trust Torrin, and Johanna suddenly stopped talking to you, is that right?”_

_“Yep. And I think she did that because he doesn’t like me.”_

_There were some people in the streets, mostly going out to meet their friends and family. They shot the two of them weird looks as they passed by, probably thinking Willa must be either insane or evil to be talking so comfortably to Maven._

_“I just don’t see where I come in this. Why did you look for me?”_

_She shuddered. “When Johanna talked about you, she told me you were worried for her, but that you shouldn’t be. So I thought you might agree with me.”_

_“She told you about me?” Maven asked with a tremulous voice, a spark of hope being lit in her heart against her better judgement._

_Willa gazed down and rubbed the back of her neck. She didn’t miss the hope in Maven’s voice, so she tried to let her down gently. “She did when I asked her about you, that day you wanted to talk to her after class.”_

_Suddenly, the librarian remembered where she’d seen the woman before. “You’re the person who was talking to her when she left the classroom, aren’t you?”_

_“Yeah, that’s me!”_

_Maven’s pace slowed down as she thought about that. When asked about her, Johanna had said she was well meaning; could this mean she still had a chance at a friendship with Johanna? Should she even _want_ a friendship with Johanna at this point?_

_“You seem to be the only person left who can talk some sense into Johanna. It’s not asking for much is it? You just need to send a message. Tell her her friends are worried because Torrin has been showing… questionable behaviors. I think you can do that.”_

_“Yeah.” She breathed, somewhat( terrified at the prospect of texting her oldest friend. “I think I can.”_

_#_#_#_

Maven overslept. Hardly a sin, since it was Sunday and the night before had been extremely tiring, physically but mainly emotionally, but once she had woken up and still remained in bed for half an hour more, she knew she was only trying to stall the inevitable. 

They would have to _talk_. For the second time in little more than a month, Maven would have to sit down with Johanna and discuss the things that had happened between them. She was burnt out just by thinking about it.

For two years, she’d done everything she could to forget all that had happened. She had locked up the hurt in a box deep in her mind and pretended it wasn’t there at all. And now, she would be expected to open up this box and _calmly_ go through its contents. She just wanted to stay in bed, read a book and ignore the matter at hand.

But that would be acting like a coward. She’d been choosing the path that hurt less for all this time. Now, she had the chance to allow her heart to ache in exchange of the possibility of moving forward, and she’d be damned if she didn’t take it. 

Telling herself that facing this would be the only way to move forward, she pushed the blankets aside and got up, heading straight for the window. She opened the curtains in one swift movement. She’d had enough of living in the dark.

She lit a scented candle she had lying around, wanting to be distracted by its sweet perfume while she dressed herself. She picked dark grey pants and a plum shirt, along with knitted coat with flower patterns that a great aunt had knitted for her. When was the last time she hadn’t had black in her outfit?

Not surprisingly, Johanna was already in the living room when Maven climbed down the stairs. She had Hilda in her arms, and though Maven couldn’t distinguish the words, it sounded like she was talking to her daughter. Whatever it was, it was making the child smile.

“Good morning.” Maven greeted, her voice still groggy from sleep. Johanna turned her head to look at her, and gave her a bright smile.

“Good morning! How are you feeling?”

She walked up to the sofa, smiling at the child as she turned her gaze to her. “Surprisingly well. The cuts are itching, but that’s to be expected, I suppose. How did you sleep?”

“As well as a person taking care of a baby can.” Johanna snorted. “Anyway, I made scrambled eggs. They’re in the counter, so help yourself.”

“Oh, thank you.” The eggs were still warm, so Johanna couldn’t have been waiting for her for too long. While Maven ate, Johanna gracefully questioned her about how things were going in the library and at college, in return talking about what she and Hilda had been up to while she was away at work. Those were interesting little nothings, and both of them knew that it was not going to take them anywhere. Nevertheless, it helped to calm them down for the conversation they would need to have sooner rather than later. 

When she finished her meal, swallowing down a cup of tea, Maven took the plate to the sink and washed it. As she turned to the living room again, Hilda had been put in her stroller, where she was joyfully slapping at some toys that hang from the top of it.

“Johanna.” Maven said, calling forth every inch of determination she had to aid her in this moment. “Can we talk?”

Johanna sighed but smiled timidly at her. “Yes, I suppose we should, shouldn’t we?”

Maven sat down on the armchair, so as to give them both some space. She was silent for a beat, before getting herself to ask the question that had haunted so many of her days.

“Why did we break up?”

Johanna fixed her stare on her, her eyes restless. Her face twitched, her eyebrows coming closer for a moment, and funnily enough, it looked like she didn’t know the answer for that either.

“I don’t remember a fight, or a reason. So what happened? Ever since you began talking to Torrin, everything went downhill, but you never told me _why_.”

Maven stifled back a hiccup. It had been _years_. This shouldn’t still hurt so much, but goodness, all she wanted was to understand where had she gone _wrong_.

“It was not your fault.” She answered after trying to read her friend’s expression for long moments. “Not really. I’m afraid the blame of it isn’t even Torrin’s. It’s my parent’s.”

Maven felt surprise hit her, like a bolt of electricity shocking her awake. Not that her parents had been involved in their separation, of course. She’d long since known that, as soon as they learned about the two of them, they had done something. But it was nearly frightening to see Johanna finally admit it to herself.

Seeing the shock in Maven’s face, Johanna’s shoulders slumped. “It seems you were right about that. Looking back, not only did they do everything they could to make me stay away from you, but also to make me believe that I _wanted_ to stay away from you. They drilled into me that you’d been trying to isolate me so that I had nowhere to go for affection but you.”

“Why did you _believe_?” She hissed, though her anger wasn’t directed at Johanna. Maven clenched her fists and took a deep breath. The last thing she needed was to to snap at Johanna when she’d just began to believe that Maven wasn’t as bad as she thought.

“They made it hard not too. Every time I tried to talk to you, there was a punishment. And every step I took away from you they seemed to reward me and trust me more.”

Maven nodded. She wanted to understand, she really did. So she did her best to stay quiet even as she had to admit to herself that she felt betrayed. Johanna was not a dog to be won over with rewards, so there _must_ have been something else.

“You see, when I got closer to Torrin they gave me my phone again. When we began dating, they let me stop going to therapy, and so on.”

Maven tilted her head at that. She remembered Johanna mentioning therapy one day, but she never explained what that was about.

“They made me see this psychologist after they found out about our notes.” She explained after she, too, remembered that Maven didn’t know what that was about. “But I don’t think the guy even deserves to be called a psychologist. I’m quite sure my parents were paying him to convince me of your bad intentions as well. That, and to try and talk me out of liking girls.”

Maven gasped at that, eyes wide as she stared at Johanna. She had had no idea of the lengths her parents would go to. It was so much _worse_ than she had imagined.

“Maven?” Johanna asked, concerned at the way she seemed to have stopped breathing.

“They tortured you?” It was a wonder Maven even managed to whisper it, startled as she was. She’d heard of the things done to people who were submitted to conversion therapy, and the image of Johanna going through that was making her want to vomit.

“No, no!” Johanna quickly assured, her hands spread in front of herself in a gesture meant to calm Maven down. “Nothing of the sort. Nothing physical, at least.”

“Okay” she breathed, her heartbeat slowing down to normalcy. “That’s… something, I guess.”

Uneasy silence fell over them, too lost in their own minds as the events of years ago replayed themselves on their minds, the blanks being filled. It was only broken when Johanna spoke.

“Maven, why didn’t you try harder?” She asked, her arms now crossed around herself and her gaze towards the ground, sounding miserable. “I understand that I didn’t treat you well, but you already knew what my parents were doing, didn’t you? At least to some extent.”

Maven blinked. Of all the things she expected to be called out for, keeping her distance hadn’t been one of them. “Yes. They never really liked that we were friends.”

“Then why didn’t you make more of an effort to talk to me? One of the things that helped me convince myself that you didn’t really care is that you just… let me go. And it hurt.”

“But I did that because I was respecting you! Everything you did led me to thinking you didn’t want me around!”

“But you _knew_ those weren’t my wishes.” Now looking at her Maven again, only Johanna’s eyes revealed how miserable that had made her feel.

“But that wouldn’t have mattered! I know it wasn’t your fault, but you had begun seeing me like everyone else. There was nothing I could-“

“_Stop it_” Johanna hissed, sounding more frustrated than angry. “Don’t do that.”

Eyebrows lifted, Maven crossed her arms. “Don’t do what?”

“This! You’ve always done this. You’ve gotten it into your head that if someone acknowledges your reputation, any chances at a relationship with them are over. I understand that you don’t want to insist on people who treat you like an outcast, but don’t you see how so many people have the wrong impression about you because you never tried to prove them wrong?”

“I can’t change who I am, Johanna!” Her heart ached. She thought they were beyond this. She had thought that Johanna didn’t see her like that anymore.

“Thank goodness!” Johanna exclaimed. “Thank goodness you can’t change, because you’re an amazing person!”

Where once she had been sitting straight as an arrow, Maven let herself relax against the back of the couch, her brows drawn together. This was getting too confusing for her to follow.

“You’re a selfless, caring and interesting person. You’re intelligent and dedicated to the people you love, and _no one knows this_. Ever since you were a child, you just got it into your head that everyone would see you as some sort of monster and there was nothing you could do about it. And so you never _did_ anything. You never tried to make friends, or call people out when they lied about you. You seemed to revel in your reputation.”

“I don’t owe anyone explanations.” Maven muttered under her breath, only loud enough for Johanna to hear her.

“That’s true.” She acknowledged. “But you can’t just give up on people like that. Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson about insisting on them even when they stop caring about hurting you, but the same way it has always been upsetting to see you not fighting for the respect you deserve, it harmed me even more to realize you weren’t trying as hard to keep us together as I was. It made me believe that I didn’t mean that much to you after all.”

Maven’s first instinct was to defend herself, to justify her actions even though she could see that Johanna’s words were not meant to be an attack, and nor was she meant to take it as such. Instead, she took a few deep breaths. It was hard to swallow that she’d had some part of the blame in their separation.

“I hadn’t realized that this was an issue during our friendship.” She said, organizing her thoughts in as clear and concise a manner as she could. “I am sorry that it has upset you before, and I’ll reflect more about it, I promise. But Anna, I did make an effort when it came to us.”

“You did in the beginning.” Happy as she was about how well Maven was handling this, she needed her to understand her pain, to acknowledge it. Maven hadn’t been the only one to feel like the other had disappeared.

“I did until you told me not to. I was respecting your wishes.”

Tilting her head to the side, Johanna made an effort not to frown. Although she knew she hadn’t at all valued their relationship enough after things went wrong, she’d never actually told Maven to stop talking to her. She knew that sometimes people remembered past events differently, but that sounded like a bit of a stretch.

“But I never did tell you to stay away. You said it yourself, at the time you knew most of my behavior was because of my parents.”

As she sighed, Maven hugged her coat tighter around herself, as if it could shield her from the memories. “Please don’t pretend that didn’t happen, Johanna. It hurt me. Quite a bit.”

To say that it hurt her was an understatement. She’d spent nights without sleep because of those words, even going as far as crying into her pillow. She’d _believed_ those words, taken them right into her core, to the point where she distanced herself from everyone she loved for months, believing that she was doing it for them. The only person to have a meaningful conversation with her during that time was her mother, her health quickly deteriorating in the hospital.  
Meanwhile, Johanna tried to understand what she meant. This could be about the time when Maven tried to warn her about Torrin, but she didn’t think she’d told her to stop talking to her then. “Are you talking about that day in Ericsonberg?”

“No! I’m talking about those messages!”

“When I broke up with you?” From what she remembered, that had been the last occasion in which they texted each other, but Johanna was sure she had been perfectly polite. Of course, she understood why Maven would have been sad about it, but it still didn’t make sense. 

“Johanna.” Maven sighed, burying her face in her hands. “Did you really _forget_?”

She couldn’t believe that something that had cut her so deeply, left her so bitter, had simply been forgotten by Johanna, but she supposed she’d had other things to worry about. When she lifted her face, she found Johanna staring at her phone.

“I can’t find it.” She said. “Our messages were deleted. But I really don’t know when I did that.”

“So you really did forget.”

“Maven, I didn’t just forget!” She ran one of her hands through her curls, clearly unsettled. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

_#_#_#_

_Maven’s grip on the phone was hard enough to hurt her palm. Shock alone kept her from crying as she read over the words on the screen time and time again._

__“It looks like you still haven’t understood this, so I’ll spell it out for you. I don’t care for you or any of your advices. I know you’re just trying to harm me, like you do with everyone, and I don’t ever want to hear about you again. Quit being a happiness sucking spirit and leave me the heck alone.”__

_Nothing could have prepared her to hear (or rather, _read_) those words from her best friend. For half an hour, she was rendered incapable of doing even the most basic of tasks, her textbooks lying forgotten on her desk as she stared out of the window into the overwhelming brightness of the day outside._

_Her heart broke a little more with each beat. She’d been a fool to text Johanna. She’d been a fool to even _care_. She wouldn’t commit that mistake again. Johanna had picked her side, and it definitely wasn’t hers._

_She’d saved Willa’s number on her phone, and called her as soon as her mind cleared over. The phone didn’t ring for long, and soon she heard Willa’s confident voice on the other side._

_“Hey, good morning, Maven! How are you doing?”_

_“Forget about her.”_

_There was a beat of silence between them before the woman recomposed herself. “What?”_

_“You want an advice? Forget about her. She’s made it very clear how certain she is of her choices. So forget about her, and let her suffer the consequences herself.”_

_Willa had began protesting, trying to to get Maven to explain what had happened, but the librarian ended the call. Tears stinging at her eyes, her knees gave out under her and she was dragged down. She was left a sobbing mess on the floor, knowing that if the person who knew her the most thought these things, there was no way they weren’t true._

_#_#_#_

Maven had never been good with being vulnerable, so it showed a great deal of commitment of her part that she opened the messages on her phone, and scrolled down until she found her conversation with Johanna. Never had she felt as exposed as when she handed Johanna her phone, letting her see the words that had haunted many of her nights.

At first, she squinted at the phone, adjusting her eyes to the weak light at which Maven kept her screen. As her eyes began moving, her face gained a horrified look to it. Just as the librarian had a hard time swallowing the message the day she’d received it, she looked like she could not believe what was in front of her.

“Maven?” She said with a tremulous voice. “I- I didn’t write this.”

Maven sighed, admittedly annoyed by the denial. The harm had already been done, it was no use pretending that it never happened. She supposed Johanna felt guilty about it, now that she realized that Maven had only wished to help, but she wished she would just apologize. Maven now knew everything she’d been facing at that time, she could finally put that behind her if only she could hear Johanna say she hadn’t meant it.

“It’s okay, Anna. I’m not blaming you.”

“No, listen to me!” Clearly distressed, Johanna locked her gaze with Maven’s, her eyes asking her friend to believe her. “I _swear_, I didn’t write this. No matter how confused and hurt I was, I’d _never_ tell you these things. On top of that, I don’t remember ever receiving your message! I never got to read it.”

Damn her for making Maven hope so fiercely. “So, you didn’t mean those things?” She asked, still having a hard time wrapping her mind around it.

“Those words aren’t mine!” Johanna raised her voice, anger burning in her eyes for someone who was definitely not Maven. “Only one other person had my password. _He did this_.”

A part of her mind wanted to doubt; it told her that if something sounded too good to be true, then it probably wasn’t, that she should ask for _proof_ that Johanna wasn’t trying to make a fool of her. But what would she even get for lying to her? She knew she’d be forgiven either way.

What really did convince Maven was her anger. Johanna was a naturally calm person. She always had the patience to help, to understand. But the way angry energy rolled off of her in that moment left Maven with no doubts that she was telling the truth.

The librarian sat up taller, straighter. She couldn’t believe she, too, had been played by the man. “He didn’t even tell you about the message?”

Relieved that her friend seemed to accept her explanation, Johanna let her shoulders drop, relaxing them. “No, he didn’t. Oh goodness, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” She said sympathetically. Her soul seemed to grow lighter, some of the cracks in her heart being mended. She’d spent so long bitter over all that had happened, distressed by the things Johanna told her, and it had all been so _pointless_. She couldn’t say it felt like all the hurt melted away, like she had hoped it magically would. But it did feel so far away that the pain could barely touch her anymore.

“It’s not.” Johanna protested weakly. “This is awful. No wonder you were so mad at me when I came back.”

It was then that Maven realized just how awful she’d been when she met Johanna that evening at the cafe. How she’d screamed at her for things that weren’t even her fault and lashed out because of _her_ pain, not even stopping to consider that Johanna had been the one who took the most hurtful fall.

“Oh _shit_, Anna! I’m so sorry.” Her hand went to her face, squeezing the bridge of her nose. “I was such a huge jerk that day. I’m so sorry.”

Johanna got up, and then sat down again, but in the end of the sofa closest to Maven, touching her wrist. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up. You had already apologized.”

That was true, but at the time, she hadn’t known just how hurtful her remarks could have been. After listening to the whole of Johanna’s story, that conversation gained many more layers.

“We-“ Johanna stopped for a moment, caught by a wave of emotion. She moving her hand to touch Maven’s cheek. “We can’t erase the mistakes we made, but we can try to heal together.”

The look her friend gave her was filled with a mixture of hope and doubt, and Johanna wouldn’t have been able to look away even if she wanted.

“Do you really believe that, Anna?” She asked softly but with her voice filled with pain. She wished for nothing more than for that to be true, but she had to be realistic. Intentionally or not, they’d harmed each other too much. 

“What do you mean?” 

Maven could see in Johanna’s face that she was bracing herself for pain, and this is exactly what she meant. Could they really heal together if they were always waiting for the other to hurt them? It was extremely difficult for her, to be this close to happiness and to push it away, but it was something she had to say.

“Do you really believe we can heal together after everything that happened? What if I hurt you again?”

Brushing a strand of hair away from Maven’s face, Johanna inhaled deeply. “Yes, I do. And I’m not saying we can go back to where we left off. We’re different now from we were then. But what good did complete distance do to us?”

Maven leaned into her hand, trying to let her gentle touch soothe her. 

“None.” She whispered.

“And if we hurt each other, we can apologize and work towards getting better. At least we can be friends, right?”

Tears stinging at her eyes, Maven had to control herself not to let her bottom lip tremble, and she could see Johanna’s situation was not much different from her own. She nodded weakly, afraid that any harsh movements would make this moment break. But then Johanna threw her arms around her, hugging her tightly, even if somewhat awkwardly with the arms of the couch and the armchair between them.

Maven was helpless as she began sobbing, shaking in her friend’s embrace, but it had been a long time since she’d felt so _whole_. After so long, she finally had real hope that they would put the past behind them and start over again. And maybe this time, she’d even feel like she deserved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My goodness... I can't believe I'm posting this. This is probably the central chapter of this fic, so I truly hope its good.


	15. Happy beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m... not very proud of how this chapter turned out writing wise, but you’ve been around for this long, I don’t think you’ll leave me now  
Also, I finished writing everything of this fic last week and since then I’ve been like... rethinking my life purpose. How do I live without worrying about writing tmwm...

_There was a loud gasp in the playground._

_“You’re the kid who lives in the cemetery, aren’t you?!”_

_There was no answer. Another voice spoke._

_“Is it true that your mum’s a witch? My mother said she’d steal my videogame if I didn’t go to bed on time.”_

_This time there was an answer, after a small pause. “That is stupid.”_

_The voice wasn’t of anyone Johanna knew. She looked behind her, away from the group of girls she had befriended in her two years at school, and looked at the swing. There was a small, pale girl swinging gently on it, her dark hair waving back and forth with the wind on her face. Around her, a group of other kids seemed to have gathered around._

_Excusing herself from the conversation, Johanna walked to them. Those kids were obviously being mean, and Johanna didn’t want this kid to be upset on the first day of school._

_Just as she got closer, another one of them spoke up. “I heard she put a curse on Mr. Wright and that’s why he is sick. Do you put curses on people as well.”_

_The new girl just kept swinging, completely ignoring the question. But Johanna walked up to them and put her hands on her hips, trying to look serious. “Hey! You are all being really rude. Leave her alone!”_

_The group of kids turned to look at her, confused that she’d give them an order even though she had no power over them. But then, the new girl planted her feet on the ground and stopped swinging, turning to them._

_“You better do what she asked.” She said, calm to the point it was unnerving. Afraid of all they’d heard about the girl, the other children nodded, wide eyed, and walked away._

_The dark haired kid watched them go away, hoping that they felt her eyes on their backs. Then, she turned to the girl who had stood up for her._

_“Thank you for that. But it’s okay, I wasn’t being bothered.”_

_“Well, but I was.” Johanna sat down on the swing by the girl’s side. “That was no way to talk to anyone.”_

_“You’re very kind.”_

_Smiling at the compliment, she tried to continue the conversation. “Thank you. You are new, aren’t you? How old are you?”_

_The girl nodded. “I am five. My mum had been homeschooling me.”_

_“Five?” Johanna put her hands together in joy. “Me too! We’ll probably be in the same class! What’s your name?”_

_“Maven.” The girl answered, Johanna thought it was a very nice name. It sounded mysterious, kind of like her._

_“Nice to meet you, Maven. I’m Johanna.”_

_#_#_#_

The two of them only stopped hugging when Hilda made a gurgling sound, calling for attention after being on her stroller for so long. Both of them had drawn back at the sound, and smiled at each other one more time before Johanna got up to see what she could do for her child.

While she was distracted, Maven picked her cellphone to check the time, but something else called for her attention. There was an unread message from Mr. Kavindi.

_“Good morning Maven, how are you? Not too sore, I hope. Please tell me if you need anything and do come over for tea if you’re feeling up to it!”_

She could see out of the corner of her eye that Hilda insisted on wiggling in her mother’s grip, and she looked up to smile sympathetically at Johanna, who chuckled. 

“I think she wants to go outside.” Johanna said, trying to find a position that made Hilda calmer. Her daughter didn’t like to stay inside for too long. Over the weeks she’d been there, she’d taken many strolls on the cemetery with the child, and even though Johanna admitted to having been creeped out, Hilda had enjoyed herself. Maybe she’d grow up to be one of those people who liked scary things. Like Maven. The thought made her happy.

The librarian got up and straightened her coat. “Well, we did just receive an invitation for tea. I say we all deserve it, really.”

_#_#_#_

They walked side by side on the streets, the sound of their steps and the wheels of the stroller merging together, the cool morning air adding a slight blush to their cheeks. Since she’d come back, Johanna hadn’t left Maven’s house much, and ever since she’d tried to talk to her parents, she’d been as discreet about Hilda as possible, afraid that someone would try to take the child from her as a result of Torrin’s lies. But now, she pushed the stroller in front of her almost proudly. She didn’t care, nor did she worry, about what they thought. The two people who _truly_ loved her were by her side, and lucky for her, no one but her former husband had ever seemed willing to pick a fight with Maven.

“Anna?” Maven hugged her coat tighter around herself to keep in her warmth, and Johanna hummed in acknowledgment. “About what you told me earlier. That I don’t… _fight_ for people. What do you think I should work on to solve that?”

Smiling at the ground, Johanna tried to hide her pleasure at realizing that Maven had, indeed, taken her worries seriously. This was something she’d wanted to talk to Maven about ever since they were very young, but she hadn’t thought she’d want to hear it. 

“Well, I’m afraid that this whole town pariah thing made you have some trouble with communication. And connecting with other people’s feelings, so maybe you should focus on that.”

Maven chuckled self deprecatingly. “Yeah, I had already noticed the communication thing.”

Making her stop walking with a gentle hand to her arm, Johanna locked their gazes. “But I have to say that you seem to be improving _so much_ in this aspect. I was very proud of you today.”

Maven pulled the hem of her coat over her hands, a nervous habit that Johanna easily recognized, her eyes looking down at the ground and then up again.

“Says a lot that you have to praise me for acting like a human, doesn’t it?” She muttered, making Johanna sigh.

“Which brings me to another thing you might want to pay attention to.” Johanna started walking again, letting Maven to follow after her even though only the librarian knew the way to where they were going. Her eyes were just a little wider than normal and her back was straight as an arrow, showing Johanna that she was paying listening closely.

“Self esteem.”

Maven blinked and frowned at her. “Wait, what?”

Smiling, Johanna continued looking forward, following Maven when she crossed a small street. The block they were walking by was filled with colourful little houses, each with a garden in front of them.

“Have you ever heard the quote ‘we accept the love we think we deserve?’”

Maven scrunched her nose. “Isn’t that a song?”

Rolling her eyes, Johanna shot her a very level look. Even if she wasn’t perfectly aware that with the amount of books she read, it would be almost a miracle if she didn’t know, at this point in her life Johanna could recognize Maven’s tone when she made an awful joke.

“Yeah, I’ve heard it. By Stephen Chbosky, I think.”

“Exactly. Well, I’ve always wondered if maybe you never thought people could like you because you never liked yourself.”

It was a strange realization to come. Sure, she knew perfectly well about all the things she hated about herself. She knew she’d always considered this friendship, the truest one she’d ever had, to be more than she deserved, but she’d somewhy never connected these things to low self esteem. _Gods, I need a therapist._

“Thank you, Anna.” She smiled, her face hiding nothing even though it was so used to covering every emotion. “I’ll think about that.”

Johanna only had time to smile back at her before they heard a cheerful voice from one of the houses.

“Girls, you’ve come!” 

They turned their heads to the cubby man waving at them from his front door. Mr. Kavindi seemed to have come back to his usual joyous self, in contrast with how tense and worried he’d been the night before. Maven was happy for the change; she wouldn’t want to be the reason his mood was dampened.

He stepped down his house and crossed the garden in order to open the metal gate for them. Johanna got in first , and thought he tried not to stare, Kavindi couldn’t help himself but grin at the adorable child who was taking everything in from the stroller. He’d heard Torrin’s version of the story of how Johanna came to be at Trolberg again, of course. Everyone had at this point. But since Maven hadn’t wanted to talk about it, he knew practically nothing about what was actually going on. He wasn’t about to press them for information, though. He’d know in time.

He shot a worried look at Maven when she closed the gate behind her. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay, sir. Thanks to you.”

He blushed with the acknowledgment, but made sure to brush it off. Anyone would have done the same, he said. He then let the trio inside his house, where Maven had already been three or four times, and his wife greeted them as well, beckoning them over to a table with tea and cookies. It would ruin their lunch, for sure, but it would be worth it.

The atmosphere was cozy and welcome. The Kavindi household was colourful, peculiar trinkets covering every surface. The table had been set in front of a window which had a view to a tiny backyard, where Johanna noticed they had planted strawberry bushes. She imagined that’s where the homemade jelly on their table came from.

She’d been reluctant, at first, to agree to this visit, wondering if the couple would try to pry too much into her life. But contrary to what she’d been expecting, the two of them acted perfectly polite, at the same time that they were extremely welcoming. They didn’t ignore the fact that she’d been away for so long, making her questions about when she’d be back at college and how taking care of Hilda was, but not once did they touch more delicate topics, and for that she was grateful. They even managed to talk about what happened in the party the night before without focusing too much on Torrin.

As Johanna had brought all the essentials for caring for Hilda in a bag in the stroller, they were able to remain with the couple for a long time. At one point, Erica even asked for permission to pick Hilda up, and took her outside to point out all the different species that she and her husband had planted together.

While the two of them were outside and the women were sitting with Mr. Kavindi on the sofa, to where they’d moved after some time, Maven’s eyes fell to a portrait sitting on a shelf, side by side with a variety of books. There were two men in it; one was the librarian, and she realized she knew the other as well.

“Hold up.” She got up from the couch and picked the picture from the shelf. “That’s my college’s dean, isn’t it?”

Although she’d had little trouble recognizing Mr. Kavindi, seeing as she saw him very often, it was harder to do so with the dean. They were much younger, close to Johanna and Maven’s current age. Mr. Kavindi hummed in agreement and smiled. 

“That one is from college!”

Johanna walked closer as well, wanting to see the image. “That’s him, then?”

“Yeah.” Maven nodded. “I never did ask you why he was indebted to you.”

He snorted. “It’s not like he was ‘indebted’ to me.” He gestured as he spoke, making quotation marks with his fingers. “One day he joked that he was, and I’ve never stopped saying that he was. Trust me, he helped you because he saw your potential, not because of some moral obligation.”

Delighted with the compliment but not letting it show, Maven lifted an eyebrow. “That doesn’t really answer the question.”

Shifting in his seat, he blushed, though there was a smile on his face. “He owned me one for kissing him first.”

The two women stared at him. The corners of Maven’s lips began to lift up, and she was pretty sure that Johanna was slack jawed.

“What, you didn’t think you were the only ones in this town, did you?” He joked in good nature.

“Sometimes it feels like it.” Maven muttered somewhat awkwardly, as she was trying to contain a smile. “What happened, if I may ask?”

She put the frame back on the shelf, sitting down next to him again, though Johanna remained standing. 

“Well, I met the woman of my life.” He smiled and gestured to the back garden, where his wife was playing with Hilda. “But we remained very good friends.”

“I had no idea that you...” Johanna didn’t finish the sentence, turning her attention to the picture again.

“Most people don’t.”

“In this case, we’re very honored.” Maven sat straight on the sofa, finding a deep and unfamiliar sense of comfort in knowing that she could relate to someone she admired so much in this way. “You didn’t have to tell us, but I’m thankful you did.”

“My girl, I just want you to understand something.” He wanted to put his hand on her shoulder, or even hug her, offering her physical comfort aside from just emotional. But he knew that Maven didn’t appreciate physical contact from many people, so he kept his hands by his sides on the sofa. “You are never as alone as you think you are.”

Maven was in the process of understanding what he meant when Johanna spoke up.

“Hold up.” She turned to them, arms crossed. “How did you know about us?”

Maven’s eyes widened as she realized Johanna had a point; she had never told Mr. Kavindi about her relationship with Johanna and much less about her sexuality. He snorted playfully and tilted his head.

“Adorable how you two think you were being any subtle.”

_#_#_#_

_It was a bright Friday afternoon, and Maven was giddy with excitement. Most people wouldn’t be able to tell so because she mostly kept it to herself, a bright contrast with the girl at her side, who was making the most of her walk, trying to keep her balance as she walked on the lines where two pieces of cement met or jumping over cracks in the sidewalk. She had been looking forward to this since the moment she and her friend had scheduled the meeting, the day before. She’d picked Johanna up at her house, and now was leading her to the lovely place her mother would sometimes take her._

_“Won’t you tell me where we’re going?”_

_Maven smiled mischievously. “Not yet.”_

_Putting her hands on her hips, Johanna scoffed. “Well then, Miss Mysterious. Could you at least say why this _had_ to be this weekend? You were pretty insistent.”_

_“The classes come back on Monday.”_

_“I know. What of it?”_

_“Anna, it’ll mark five years of our friendship!” She said happily. She had to admit, she was quite proud of herself for remembering this. And of course, she wanted to do something to celebrate. To show Anna how happy she was that they were still friends after all this time._

_“Oh gosh, it does!” She clapped her hands in front of her and then leapt to hug her friend. “That’s amazing!”_

_“It is.” Maven hugged her back. “If you really want to know, I’ll tell you the place I’m taking you to. Not much longer until we get there, though.”_

_Drawing back, Johanna nodded enthusiastically. “Please!”_

_“It’s called the Poet’s Retreat. It has the best coffee ever. Mum doesn’t let me have too much, though. She says it’s bad for our growing.”_

_Smiling, Johanna squeezed Maven’s arms. “I already know I’ll love it.”_

_#_#_#_

The day was getting darker by the minute as the sun sank lower. Johanna had suggested they got takeout, and considering t he that her friend was usually the one who cooked, Maven hadn’t objected. She deserved the rest.

This was the reason why now they were taking a different route from before. Leaving the Kavindi’s house to go to their chosen restaurant, they had to head closer to the city center, though still trying to avoid a few streets in particular. For the time being, Johanna didn’t want to risk meeting her parents. 

After a while, the blocks became familiar to Johanna as they entered the area she had been more used to when she lived in Trolberg, and so the two of them somewhat switched into automatic mode, not thinking about where they were going, just letting their feed guide them to where they wanted to go and allowing their minds to drift away. After all that had happened in the last twenty four hours, after all they had said to and been told by each other, their thoughts were truly crowded.

It was this distraction which made them not realize where they were until the Johanna had trouble fitting the stroller in the narrow passage between a cracked, waterless fountain and an unkept flowerbed. In the middle of wondering how she’d maneuver that, her eyes widened. She looked around, truly seeing the place at last. They were in the middle of a small park, crossing it as a shortcut to the restaurant. Wild flowers grew widely there, taking over the all but abandoned place.

Maven, who’d been just about to offer help, saw the moment Johanna’s face changed with recognition. And that was when she, too realized where they were. Just like years ago, the sky was beautifully painted with purples and oranges, the sun’s last beams being filtered by the treetops. She immediately turned her head to a spot nearby, on the shadow of a tree, where she knew celosias grew during the warmer months.

The place where they’d first kissed. 

A chill ran down Maven’s spine, a mixture of anticipation and anxiety as she felt Johanna’s eyes stare a hole in the back of her head. It brought her a strange feeling to look at this place so long after it had happened. They were so different now, and they couldn’t deny it. They had suffered, they had grown; their core was the same, but so much had changed that they could almost be completely different people. And yet, one thing remained the same. They were still terrible at staying away.

“We won’t be able to just be friends again, will we?” Maven whispered with her heart beating furiously against her chest. It was making her somewhat nervous, to feel Johanna’s unwavering gaze on her, but flattered at the same time. They were surrounded by wild beauty, and still she chose to look at her.

“We will, if we really try. But that’s not really what we want, is it?”

Johanna took a step backwards; she’d worry about getting the stroller through the passage in a minute, or maybe they’d pick another path. She walked to Maven’s side, and parked it just beside her.

“No.” Maven said softly, her eyes still glued to that spot. Only when she felt the touch of Johanna’s hand on her shoulder did she come out of her transe, turning to her friend with a slightly labored breathing. Her curls were shining in the little light that remained, and the shadows accentuated the gentle curves of her face. Twilight still looked beautiful on her.

“I don’t think-“ Johanna stopped herself from finishing. Words had power, even over oneself. Maybe if she reacquainted herself with speaking with conviction, she’d learn to have confidence again sooner. 

“I’m not ready for a relationship yet.” She began again. “But I can’t stand the idea of a future without you.”

Maven stared into her eyes for tense seconds, her brow furrowed and her lips parted with what looked to be disbelief, before she quickly rose on her heels and pressed an urgent kiss to Johanna’s mouth. Her bony hands flew to Johanna’s hair, as if trying to hang on to her, and Johanna hugged her hips close. It felt almost nostalgic, like they’d been offered a second chance. And they would make sure to make it right this time.

It was a while before they fully parted, the sky almost completely dark now. They leaned their foreheads against each other’s, breathing together.

“Good.” Maven said. “Because neither can I.”

They were smiling so much that their cheeks hurt as they drew back. Maven felt like laughing, even. _No,_ she was not over Johanna, and there was nothing wrong with that. They would learn to grow together, to heal together, to live together, because the alternative of being apart was simply too terrible to picture.

This was not their happy ending. They’d still need to work hard to get there. This was their happy beginning, this was an opportunity to make an effort to get there. And Maven knew that, as long as she had Johanna by her side, she’d love every step of the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bisexuals are taking over this fic I’m not sorry  
I can’t believe there’s only one more chapter to post... omg


	16. To the end of the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This is really happening. The final chapter.   
If you’ll excuse me, I’ll take a moment to be That person and give a big, sincere thank you to everyone who has kept up with this fic, especially to the people who commented often (and who always had me so delightfully anxious to read your thoughts) and also those who reblogged the chapters on tumblr. You helped me write what has become my favorite work. And the longest too! So thank you so much, and I hope you enjoy this one last chapter.

The months after that were relatively calm.

Johanna had said she wasn’t ready to be with someone again so soon, and honestly, Maven probably would have been confused if she was: she had been through too much. She surely needed some time to find herself again. So Maven had respected her wishes and gave her the distance she needed.

Well, it couldn’t quite be called _distance_. It was the furthest away she’d been from Johanna ever since they met each other, apart from those years when Torrin had gotten between them, but it was still quite close. Johanna had moved to a flat in Ericsonberg, that she had somehow managed to guilt trip her parents into renting for her, and Maven had helped in the moving, and during the whole process of coming back to college. Many teachers had been thrilled to have one of their most promising students back, and so were Johanna’s friends. From what Maven had been told, she had taken the chance to make peace with all the friends whom she’d distanced herself from because of Torrin.

During a part of the day, she’d leave Hilda at a daycare, or even let her parents take care of her for a few days, even though Maven thought they didn’t deserve to look after their granddaughter after what they’d done to Johanna. She hadn’t said that, though. What was going on in that family was Johanna’s business, and whatever decision she took about her daughter, Maven would respect. 

Every other weekend, Johanna came to Trollberg and stayed in Maven’s house; they studied, and visited Trollberg’s many parks with the kid. Every other weekend, Maven stayed in Ericsonberg and stayed at Johanna’s flat; they studied and enjoyed the freedom of walking in a bigger town, where who they were and their past mattered to no one. Sometimes when Mr. Kavindi said he had no problem with her switching shifts with him, Maven even stayed over with Johanna in the middle of the week. She told herself that it was so that she could take care of Hilda a little for Johanna to study or rest for a while - gods knew how much effort she was making to keep up with Graphic Design and motherhood- but she knew it was also because now that Johanna was back in her life, she didn’t want to miss a moment. And if she was being honest to herself, she was growing very fond of little Hilda too.

The one thing that had been troubling them were the divorce papers; when he’d accepted that Johanna wasn’t coming back and began spreading lies, Torrin hadn’t thought about legal matters. But just after things between Johanna and Maven had settled down in Trollberg, she’d set the papers in motion. She wasn’t asking for much: just what had already belonged to her before the wedding possession wise. After all, Torrin was loved in their town, and had every means to pay for an amazing lawyer, while she was just the traitor. She didn’t want to ask for more than he’d find reasonable, in case he decided to take what she needed the most.

And in that aspect she had bid high; she had made it clear that she wanted full custody of Hilda. 

Luckily, he hadn’t seemed to be putting a lot of effort into taking the girl from her. Practically no effort at all, truly, which was weird for a person trying to paint Johanna as a bitch who took his child away from him. It was bad acting on his part, but the two women were more than glad for it.

But even knowing this, they were still a pile of nerves when the day came that the judge would give his final verdict. 

It was a warm summer day, and Johanna had chosen to spend the holidays in Trollberg. The two of them were in Maven’s living room, books scattered all over the dinning table, and Hilda was happily playing in her fence by their side.

They had agreed that they should both try to study as much as they could during this month they’d have without classes. After all, the routine was very frenzied, especially for Johanna, and if they could get ahead with some subjects and bonus points projects, that would probably make their life a lot easier once the classes started again.

However, it was clear the both of them were having a hard time focusing on their books when Hilda’s life was about to be decided.

“This isn’t working.” Maven stated, closing the book she was trying to make notes of and startling Johanna out of her reverie. “You keep getting distracted, Anna, and I’m not doing much better”

The woman inhaled deeply and nodded. “I know. But I’m only going to get worse if I’m not focusing on something else.”

“Do you want me to make you some tea? Or maybe we could play a board game?”

Johanna smiled at Maven’s attempts at helping, but it was filled with worry and exhaustion.

“I just want my baby, Maven.” She whispered, her throat tight and eyes watery. “What will I do if they take her away from me?”

Putting her hands on each of Johanna’s arms, Maven forced a look of determination into her eyes. “I don’t know, and we don’t have to know. We don’t even have to think about it, because it won’t happen. Hilda will stay with you and everything will be okay.”

“How can you be so sure?” She asked tremulously.

“Because if the court is stupid, and I _firmly_ believe they won’t be, we’ll run away to Iceland.” Maven deadpanned, squeezing her arms in an attempt to look more serious.

Johanna snorted despite her current state of anxiety. “Sounds like a solid plan. You’d run away to Iceland with me?”

“Of course. We’ll buy cattle and live on a farm house.”

“Can we have bees too?”

“I don’t see why not.”

They stared into each other’s eyes for a second, maintaining their serious expressions before bursting out laughing. They cackled despite the tense situation they found themselves in, or maybe because of it. Sometimes, laughing was the only thing you could do to keep yourself together.

“Thanks for that, Maven.” Johanna thanked breathlessly as soon as she was able to. “I needed a good laugh.”

Maven dropped her hands to her lap, tilting her head to the side. “You think I joke? Please, Anna, you know I’d follow you to the end of the world.”

_#_#_#_

Thankfully, it hadn’t been necessary to run to the end of the world. The verdict came out not much later, causing Johanna so much euforia that she had run around the house screaming. Maven had curled herself into fetal position on the couch and laughed, part in joyful relief and part at Johanna’s excitement.

They had won, at least as much as they could have hoped for. Torrin had asked for a weekend every two months, and the court had obliged, but that’s as far as it went. For the most part, Hilda was all hers.

Johanna had still been crying and holding a very confused Hilda when Maven got up and headed for the attic. She only realized that Maven had left when she walked down the stairs holding a package bigger than her torso.

“This calls for a celebration.” She said when she noticed the curious look Johanna shot her. “I say we camp.”

So now they were at the park furthest away from the city center they knew of, in order to see the night sky better, lying inside a small tent that Maven said had been her father’s. Hilda was now sleeping inside her stroller (which they had also brought inside the tent) after having tried and failed to walk around for a whole hour. Maven dreaded to think of what would happen once this girl could run.

Despite the relatively warm night, Johanna and Maven cuddled closely as Maven pointed out constellations and narrated the myths and stories associated with them. They had brought a thermos bottle filled with coffee for them to share, and a piece of the cake Johanna had cooked the day before as well, the homely snack filling them with a cozy feeling.

By the time Maven was talking about how the Virgo constellation was said to have been born out of Demeter’s wish to honor and remember her daughter, Persephone, she realized that her tales were no longer holding Johanna’s attention. She turned her face and realized that the other woman had already been looking at her, a fond, lazy smile on her face.

“I love you.” Johanna said suddenly, making Maven’s heart begin thumping furiously in her chest and her eyes widen. She hadn’t said that ever since they had broken up. 

“I love you too.” She answered, at first on instinct, but as the words left her mouth, she realized how unquestionably true they were. She didn’t think she’d ever stopped loving Johanna. She didn’t think she’d ever not loved Johanna.

“How do you feel about what we have now?” Johanna asked, searching into Maven’s eyes for an answer.

“I like it. I miss you, of course, but I understand that it’s probably temporary. I could try to find a job in Ericsonberg, or you could try to find a job here once we’re done with college. But regardless of that, we still make time for each other, so I can’t say I’m not happy with it.”

“Doesn’t it bother you? To always be running one place to another, to have to share attention with Hilda…”

Mave licked her lips. If this slow death was Johanna’s idea of telling her to stay away, than she’d been much kinder the first time around. And this is why she kept her calm. Johanna was nothing if not kind.

“Please, Hilda is much cooler than you.” Maven said, making Johanna roll her eyes playfully. “And hey, I said I would follow you to the end of the world, didn’t I? A thirty minute ride is not what’s going to keep me away.”

Johanna’s eyes shone more than the stars before them as she raised a hand to Maven’s neck, using her thumb to caress her jaw. 

“In this case.” She said as she got even closer. “I think I’m ready for a relationship again. Maven, will you be my girlfriend?”

Nothing in the world would have been able to stop her from saying yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen (and all of those in between), it’s on this note that we end The Mistakes We Made. It sure was a ride, but I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did <3

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my friend Igor, without whom I probably wouldn’t have found the courage to post this.
> 
> Please leave comments on what you think! Second chapter is already ready, but I’ll only post it when I have chapter 3 ready, so the more you let me know what you liked and didn’t like, the faster I get inspiration to continue writing and the faster you get a new chapter! Everyone wins!
> 
> Oh, I don’t have a beta and English isn’t my first language, so if you find any horrendous mistake feel free to tell me!


End file.
